Thank you

Well my beh-behs, I want to thank you for the compliments on the new blog site. I worked hard (between sips) to get it done, and I thank you for the compliments. When I have the time between commutes, I will post on my facebook page as well.

With the new site up and running, this one wont really be in use, but I will leave it up for memories, or just to haunt ghosts of idiots past.

All is great in the land of Helena. Yes, it is fabulous to be me, thanks for asking. My trips to the grocery store are more adventurous. My dinner parties are more liquorous. My work is more productive. Yes, all is great in the land of Helena.

A charmed life.
And I'm thankful for every minute of it. Mostly, I'm thankful for all of you, my beh-behs. Well, to be honest, I'm mostly thankful for Glenlivet, but my beh-behs come in a close second.

Cheers!

Shandaken...The center of Human Culture? That's right, walk like an Egyptian bitches!

Welllllllll, here is was, the second episode of my (once again) very favorite television show. This meeting started off like any other, with guest stars and supporting players. The cast of characters were the same, but they played different parts. The Pine Hill Bunch, now headed by super-driven Matt Persons, played the antagonists, where they were the protagonists last year. Ms. Knownothing must have paid her SAG dues, as she had a large speaking part, even when asked (kindly) to shut the hell up. Gotta love a bitch that can only hear the sound of her own voice, and not the ones that are telling her to S-H-U-T U-P.

So, with so many important things that the town of Shandaken has going on, the Pine Hill Gang wanted to focus on the one that is of paramount importance to all Shandaken residents. So, naturally, they took up four and a half hours of the first part of the meeting discussing the Shandaken Museum. Or, as Mr. Persons would have you think, the Library of Alexandria, as he made numerous comparisons to it. He explained why, though they are an entity of the Town, they are not an entity of the town and can do pretty much whatever the hell they want. He also made mention to the four page letter explaining all that is required of the director. I think it was actually four pages with the words "keep looking out the window and checking to see if the building is there" written on it one hundred and fifty times. Well, the gang might think that this is important enough to spend hours discussing, but I don't. So, that is all I'll say about that. Actually, I'd discuss Egypt a bit more, but without my hookah and hand woven rug to sit on, it

seems silly.

The meeting continued on smoothly and the board moved along with the appointment to the planning board, which brought the hisses and cries of not only the dozens (okay, only seven) of Pine Hill people, but Maureen Mill-ahr. At one point she even stood up and proclaimed her intent to run for president. Wait, that can't be right. I think she stood up and proclaimed her love for Jack Daniels. No, wait, that was me. I think she stood up and proclaimed that the way the Planning Board and the Town Board was handling the appointment for a new planning board member was unholy and wrong because her friend Bethezda Watercracker was the most knowledgeable person in the world to be on that board (read: hates the resort, Dean Gitter, and the Gailes) and no one else is qualified. Ms. Knownothing chimed in with her two cents and said that Hope Luhman was not actually qualified because she isn't a licensed planner, only a certified one, and that she checked the paper work on it and checked into her background and everything.

Ya know, as she does.

Ms. Knownothing was missing the hypocrisy in her statement, as none of the current planning board members hold a license in planning. Checkmate, bitch.

Well, the decision was made, Hope was put in place, and you know what? The earth did not open up as Maureen said would happen, and swallow the attendees whole. From what I could see on my little black and white, 12 inch screen, all those attending were just fine. Comfortable even.

The Board moved along swiftly with town business after that with nary a glitch. More planning board appointments were made, including Charlie "no, I'm not Jack Cassidy" Frasier as the Chair, and Barbara Redbarnstormer as the County Alternate or some such thing. Dick Windowlickerdella could be heard saying "that's right" when Tiny Tim voted "No" on Charlie's appointment. He was just happy Tim remembered to vote the way he and Bike told him to vote. Only one resolution was tabled after an executive session was requested to take place after the general meeting, so all in all, a great meeting. Helena does have one sad note. No sight of Mr. Lala in his sexfessional uniform, and no outbursts from the crowd (save for Ms. Mill-ahr's proclamation, which wasn't an outburst, per se).

Helena has to comment on how things move much more uniformly now. One might even get the impression of a professional meeting taking place, unlike the circus performances of the former administration. Speaking of the former administration, Pete, nor his mustache could be seen on the screen, so I am left to believe he did not attend the meeting at all. Hmmm, do you think he actually figured out he is not on the board anymore? Perhaps the memo finally made it.

Supervisor Stanley used his gavel appropriately. From my screen it looked like the size of Rob's gavel was along the lines of 2" by 3". Mr. Supervisor, might I suggest one the size of 2' by 3', and with a weight of around a deuce, deuce and a half, maybe? You need some girth behind that gavel, and may I also suggest you actually pose as though you're going to throw it at the person who you are trying to shut up. I promise you it will be most effective.

P.S. Happy note: The website is up and running (funny what a letter from the town attorney can do, huh?) and while it is still in the development stages, it looks like it will be a great site. YAY!

Until Next time, my bitches!

Wow, stuff happens while I travel the thruway

Busy busy goings on in the Town of Shandaken (Here's a Shan-fact: Shandaken is Iroquois for "sore on the bottom of the foot")....Okay, I made that up...there's no such thing as a Shan-fact! Gotcha.
But Shandaken is a sore.

I won't say where though. You get it when you make nice-nice with Paris Hilton. That's all I'm gonna say.

First, the planning board seems to be having some difficulty with being able to pick their new member and the chairman of the board. No sillies, not that they can't make up their mind, but because some rogue (not the x-men kind) town board member seems to be unhappy with their choice of new member and is not letting them do what they are supposed to do.

Enter Hope Lumin. The majority of the Planning Board's choice for new board bitch. It would appear to all those in the know, that Ms. Lumin would be the perfect candidate, with a background in planning and all. However, she was missing that one key element that makes all candidates perfect in the eyes of the "NYMBOSLYAN"...a lobotomy. Also, she has never publicly declared her hatred for Dean Gitter, the Gailes, the Resort, or fuzzy little bunnies that wear vests and a monocle.

Should be interesting to see how this is handled Monday night.

Ohhh,. that's right, don't forget to watch my (used to be) favorite program, the Town board monthly meeting show. Well it might still be my favorite as I expect once again that Pete-ard will slink in to show off his mustache and smirk appropriately.

Speaking of Pete-ard, Helena was having drinks yesterday with a walrus who wore a bow tie and had a goatee (okay, I was drunk already, so it was probably my attorney who does happen to wear a bow tie and goatee) and he told me a secret.

...Oh, were you waiting for me to share the secret? Oh alright, let me put my drink down and type faster, Desperate Housewives will be on soon.

Well, my walrus source asked me to be careful with what I tell, but here goes a little info...

Nah..I'm gonna save that for my facebook page. Or you can e-mail me to find out. But I can promise it is juicy. Hey in fact, I think I found my new hot bitch riddle for this weekend!

Lastly:

Now, for your moment of "Uhhhhggg, not her again"

Main Entry: ha·rass

Pronunciation: \hə-ˈras; ˈher-əs, ˈha-rəs\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology: French harasser, from Middle French, from harer to set a dog on, from Old French hare, interjection used to incite dogs, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German hier here — more at here

Date: 1617

1 a : exhaust, fatigue b (1) : to annoy persistently (2) : to create an unpleasant or hostile situation for especially by uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical conduct
2 : to worry and impede by repeated raids ed the enemy>

synonyms see worry

— ha·rass·er noun

— ha·rass·ment \-mənt\ noun

Seems like some of Helena's Facebook bitches have been getting harassed at their place of employment (sound familiar?) by someone who has no friends of her own and doesn't want the beautiful and popular Helena to have any either. Well, really, it is all my facebook bitches fault, right? I mean, did they think they had the freedom to choose who their friends could be? Did they think they live in a democracy? Puh-leez!

Some have decided to drop me, which is fine as I understand the cross they bear ( the cross is five foot" whatever", stocky, as most bullies are, gnarled yellowed teeth, etc.) Others have told her to go "F@%* herself", in the most polite way of course, as my bitches do, and it makes me proud.

Honestly, though I did expect it, I have to laugh at the pathetic attempts this broad goes to to bring company to her misery. I wish I had time to call the jobs of the people I don't like, but then again, the people I don't like usually don't have a job. They spend their whole day watching" Springer" in their bathrobe, and eating cheese from a spray can. Hmmm, spray can cheese

Tune in next week when I show you how to run a Museum from your living room sofa.

You can't always get what you want....but sometimes

Things just have a way of working out. I'm not sure if it's the time of the year, the moon cycle, planetary alignment, a monkey who predicts earth quakes, or what have you, but sometimes things really just work out the way they are supposed to.

Last year when Shandaken Unplugged began its run following in the steps of the late great Original Fanci Colon/Barry Derrmann's The Shandaken Truth, no one could have predicted the impact both sites would have on the community and the events that eventually unfolded. Not that Helena is claiming these sites were responsible for the election results, not in the least. I think the candidates did that all themselves. However, one cannot deny the effect that was felt, both positive and negative, as was the intention, on the community. What was probably the biggest surprise to Helena herself, was that others were also paying attention to the posts on the blogs. By "others", Helena means people who live past the Hudson Valley Corridor. Yeah, I know, in school they taught you that the world ended at the thruway round-a-bout and that was where the earth dropped off flat!

But a whole world does exist outside the little bubble you call home (Shandaken) with people, and boats, people on boats, cars and dogs, dogs driving cars, etc. And in the mix, publishers of glossy magazines exist outside the bubble. Glossy magazines with political commentaries, fancy photos, wordy editorials, and expense accounts. Ironically, publishers outside of the bubble like to read blogs from inside the bubble. They like to read lots of blogs inside the bubble. And when they see a blog they really like (read: laugh their ass off while reading) they contact the blogger and...you see where I'm going with this, don't you?

Yes, chirruns, Helena was recently offered a position writing a column for a publication that is outside the bubble with glossy pages, fancy photos, wordy editorials, and an expense account ! Do you think stoli cocktails at Tavern on the Green can be considered an expense write-off?

Of course, I know what you're thinking, I can always tell what the voices in my head are thinking, even before they say it.

"But Helena, are you sure this is the real deal, and not some dirty trick set up by the evil doers of the town?"

Yes, at first I was suspicious too. Anylunchwhore, you know how I love a good game and an offer for free drinks, so I said, "I'll bite."

But after several phone conversations, and finally a fantastic lunch at trendy (read: expensive) Nobu, it became apparent that I was in the company of an honest to goodness publisher. I highly recommend the kumomoto oysters and toro tartar- I likes my lunch still alive and kicking, Helena thought, "If this is a dirty trick being played on me, with a $375.00 lunch under my belt, I can't wait to see how they drop the bomb." Then came the almond cake with cherries...that was only eh, so bomb dropped!

Anyfoodpoisoning, long, wonderful, exciting story short...Helena will soon have a larger contingency of bitches to blog to! But fear not, my loyal beh-behs, you will not be abandoned. Not fully.

Soon enough I will no longer have the time to devote to this blog that I have in the past, but rest assured, I will continue with staggered (pun not lost on me, how 'bout you?) posts, I'll need to keep up with local shenanigans and try out new bitching methods, won't I?

The moral to this story? Wicked, with a large dose of funny is attractive and marketable. Mean without humor...not so much. That's a lesson some have to learn the hard way.

So, yes, things turn out the way they are meant too, and maybe it was the monkey who predicts earthquakes who made it all possible. Or maybe this time is was equal parts hard work and Helena's unique talent... with a dash of Smirnoff.

Okay...perhaps it was also a quarter cup of monkey prediction...but only for coloring.

Till next time, my beh-behs

In honor of Martin Luther King...

I thought with the racial intolerance that has been spewed recently, it would be fitting on this day, of all days, as we celebrate the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., we focus on bettering ourselves with openly accepting our neighbors no matter what their views are. They have the right idea in the South, and I think it's about time we Shandakeninnies followed suit.

This also goes for those who are already tolerant of others, but are hounded by a friend, family member, or neighbor who voices hatred for those who don't share their skin color, or their opinions. Tolerance means learning to accept them as well, even though you don't share their flawed way of thinking. They may not know any better. Remember, not everyone was raised the same way, and while you may have grown up with the advantages of a good upbringing, others may not have been so lucky.

Use today to perform an act of kindness to someone who has been unkind to you.

This was Helena's preachy do good moment. I hope you enjoyed it, they pass so very quickly!

P.S. my do good act today: I will forgive whoever it was that drank the last of my Merlot. You greatly wronged me, and you know it, but I forgive you...when you put the replacement bottle back on the shelf.

Still no website

Day sixteen, and still no website. I did enjoy the former web master's letter in the paper yesterday though, explaining her take on it all.

Again, she starts out with admitting voluntary service, and that the then supervisor (and restaurant/life partner) thanked her for her services.

She goes on to say how she poured all of her blood, sweat, and tears, and a little bit of cocoa, into that site, damn it! Started to sound pretty good, but then...

So, to paraphrase, "I simply asked for either monetary compensation OR a thank you from ROB STANLEY, but got neither."

First: YOU VOLUNTEERED your services, you said as much twice already. There are laws prohibiting this type of compensatory demand after the fact. It is called EXTORTION!

Second: You already received a thank you, from the Supervisor at the time of your service. You already got your thank you, now move on...with some dignity please. You did a lovely job, your hubby lost the race, now go back to the things you love to do. Have a wonderful life, even. Just stop acting like a child, stop hurting the community you profess to love.

Damn right the town board approved the lawyer's call to you, woman. You're breaking the law by not allowing the town access to the site. THEY OWN IT. Not you.

It's about time someone in this town did something right- for a change. Let's shake things up and start acting like normal human beings!

Join me next week when I give make-up tips for coat- wearing gorillas! Don't worry, the ones I work on are heavily sedated with a combination of Stolichnaya and Vicodin. They ain't pretty, but they are fun to be around after a few drinks...so I've been told, anyway.


Note: I was not referring to the NEW webmaster when posting any story pertaining to the website, only the FORMER webmaster, Who I am happy to report did not have a recent loss in her family! My condolences to her and her family are rescinded. One anonymous commenter was kind enough to report that I am an ass, apparently. I disagree. I may be a lush, a flirt, a beauty to be envied...well maybe I am a bit of an ass. But a lovable one.

Is Shandaken a racially friendly town, or what? (hint..or what)

The mentally ill say the darnedest things.

As some of my bitches may have noticed lately, Helena has had to moderate the comments coming in because they were getting a little "tawdry" and though I like a good naughty take once in a while, these comments were just down right...well for lack of a better word, libelous.

Politics makes for bad feelings, this I understand, however, the comments that have been coming into the Handbasket pile, is something I thought I had better not fully subject my bitches to. I mean, really, you would have to down a bottle of courvoisier before you would be able to stomach some of the comments.

The focus of the anonymous commentators seem to be a non public figure they are sure is me (their guess, however, could not be further from the truth) and a Board member, of course. Some of the comments include such beauties as (names removed for fear of a lawsuit):

"Watsa [sic] matter *****, mommy doesn't want your sorry fat ass for christmas either? make sure that hairless (racial slur) hubby uses the sunscreen. you are not only ugly but a pathetic looser[sic]. "

Yeah, I get it, you hate her 'cause she is really really fat and her husband is a different race than you approve of (anything but white, I assume?). But I bet at least she can spell! SPELL/GRAMMAR CHECK ASSHOLE! Who's the pathetic loser now? See here for proper definition

"aw *****, *** must not have allowed you to give him a blow job this week...you really outdid yourself...be careful with **** ie boy, he is a carrier, but that will be okay with you, then at least you will belong to something...you know, as in the family of carriers. Aw to belong, it warms the heart but not unlike drambuie."

Now that is just sad. First, to include Drambuie in a comment like that is disgraceful, what did Drambuie ever do to you? And second, to try to steal my style of humor, and not be able to pull it off? SACRILEGE! It takes years of training and kegs of beer to get this F***ing funny, Bitch! P.S. Yes, I really did "outdo" myself, thanks for noticing.

There were plenty of others, but these were the only tame ones I could share. The one that had Helena rolling on the floor was when they meant to end one of their clever (read: asinine) comments with my catch phrase of "wait for it", but instead typed "what for it!" I'm gonna go make sure the small bus is gassed and ready to go for them. This was also the one that detailed how a town board member was *allegedly(*my term for legal purposes, but not theirs) smoking pot in the parking lot across from the Pine Hill Arms, and showed up to town hall high and drunk. Others were just down right hateful towards two particular races that happen to play a part in the lives of many people in this town.

While I have not been a victim of these awful hurtful comments myself, I have to say that I do think its a shame that someone has found it necessary to be vicious without injecting humor into their comments. I also would never stoop so low as to make racial remarks regarding residents, their spouses, and town board family members. Racism is not a joke, no matter how many 'knock knocks' you put in it. To find humor in pointing out someone is of a different skin color than you simply for the sake of denigrating them, is not just a shame, but I believe it is considered a hate crime, and is a punishable offense. But authorities don't need to be notified, your friends (if you really have any left) and your neighbors know who you are. The racist. Don't worry, I know who you are, I recognize you by the sheet hanging out your car door when you drive down 28. Careful not to trip on it! It would be a shame to catch yourself on fire when lighting a cross on a lawn.

Speaking of punishable offenses, Day 13, and still no town web site. I'm starting to feel robbed. If only there was something that could be done...

Waaaaaaaaaait for it (or "what for it" as lesser Helena 2.0 would say)