Something every Supervisor should have...

For those still struggling with what to get for that "special" Supervisor in their life:




http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0015KOFPU

Thing One cares about his community...not

So, Bike Windowlickerdella is so concerned about getting a good deal for his community when it comes to the sewer issue.

Are you one of the four people still buying that? This bitch has no long term concerns for this community because he doesn't intend to live here long term. Thing 1 is just waiting for the highest bidder, and he will blow this Popsicle stand so fast the doors to Brio's will swing uncontrollably from the gust he makes on his way out!

His brother (and current acting town doofus) Dick "I like my orange shirt" Windowlickerdella, also known as"thing 2" has actively listed all three restaurants for many years now. http://www.ricciardellarealty.com/rrcomm01.htm And they might have sold already, if it wasn't for the asking price being somewhere between an "oz" and "Alpha Centauri" price range. Ahem, like yourself much, Bike?

Helena sees him (thing 1) strut around Main Street, a swagger normally reserved for the upper echelon and mafia bosses. Helena also sees Thing 2 sitting in his kitchen chair on the boardwalk. I'm gonna leave Thing 2 alone just now. I really don't like to make fun of the "slower" residents, but I am not above cutting one if they:

1. Mess with Helena's liquor supply
2. Mess with Helena

So, while you are considering some of the things that thing 1&2 tell you, and you reach the point where you ask if they even know what the hell they are saying, or are they that self important that they feel they absolutely must have complete control of all things that go on in town, look at the link, and decide if this is somebody who has a long term investment in this community, or is this somebody who wants out and is just blowing smoke up your ass!

Waaaaaitttt for itttttt...

You think I'm kidding? I'm talkin' "soon enough", chillens!

Wait for it.

Pete-ard DiSclafluffy- Incumbent Cucumber

To rehash all the stupidity that this moron has done in his very short term, would make Helena's no-no parts weep. Instead I want to focus on what Mr. Pickle has really accomplished in a positive manner...

Oh hell, even I know that is complete crap. So, here in a nut shell, is the cluster fu@# that will be the Disclafuggly legacy:

Illegal activities, illegal meetings, illegal hiring of employees, illegal use of public buildings, illegals cooking his dinner, tampering with bids, awarding no-bid contracts, molestation of justice in every sense of the word, abuse of power,the use of evil flying monkeys to harass innocent civilians and declaring war against a community organization (I thought "Community Organizations" were a democrats best friend?).
Phew! Where does he find the time? And that is just for starters, this bitch has been busy. Well, busy not doing what he is supposed to be doing, but busy none the less.

Okay, break down his work week into hours and figure how much the good town's folks have been paying this botard to not work.

Monday: Wakes up, slips outta his onesie and heads for town hall at the crack of noon-ish. Calls Kathy Nolan to announce he is in the building. She informs him of his activities for the day (which usually consists of crayon-building skills and a recess that any kid in kindergarten would envy). Around fifteen minutes after he arrives, it's lunch time, so he quickly asks Wendy to heat up his kids cuisine meal (the plastic is too hot for him to peel back on his own) and he sits in his office, coloring and (I hope Rose doesn't read this part)eating his dessert first (usually peach cobbler). Then around 2pm he calls Mary Heman (no typo, she is rather he-man like)to wake her up. As calls come in from officials, he pretends to talk to them on his Elmo kid's play phone while Wendy tells the callers he is unavailable. Peter is not allowed to speak directly to officials until he is first debriefed by Kathy/Peter/Mary/ Kukla/Fran/Ollie. By 2pm he is ready to head home, empty sippy cup in hand, and coloring books fully colored in the other. Total work hours? forty-three minutes, if you want to include the argument he gets into with the Cookie Monster on the Elmo phone. In Peter time, that is eleventy-two hours and twelveteen cents.

Wednesday: Wakes up, slips outta his onesie, heads for Town hall at the crack of noon-ish. Lunch is early today, and Wendy heats up his Kid Cuisine meal (today the dessert is a brownie!) while Peter plays with the copier and prank calls Maurice Hinchey and Don Gregorius (but again, it's the Elmo phone, so no harm done). Vin (did you pay for that coffee?)Bernstein comes in and asks Peter about one or two resolutions for the next meeting. Peter pees himself to create a diversion and runs out of the office before he has to answer. His day ends at 12:47pm. He has put in approximately 33 minutes of work. In Peter time that is "seven past purple" which puts him into over time.

Friday: Pete rises at forty-two pm (his mickey mouse clock refuses to tell him the right time, even his appliances don't like this bitch) and slips out of his onesie. He heads to town hall where Gina has been waiting patiently for the car to go on site visits. She moves the phone books from the driver side seat, and goes on her way. Peter has a meeting with Peter (yes, I know I'm still the most hated man in Shandaken but I'll try for a job in town hall anyway) DiModica plotting ways to put "Mr. Cloudspinner" on the town insurance. They also review a new town ordinance that Kathy Nolan has been working on making it a requirement that all town residents must first apply for a permit to mow their lawns. This cuts down on the incidents of thatch patch abuse. He ends his day at 2:00pm. In Peter time this is four score and seven years.

So, in total, Mr. Pickle, puts in a hefty seven to twelve hours a week, that is roughly 48 hours a month. Sooooo, what is this bitch paid by the hour? Hmmm. works out to approximately $93.00 per hour if you total all the hours he puts in on the Elmo phone. Imagine the damage he can do if he actually shows up once in a while and works. hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah! But seriously. Is this shit normal? I can do that job cheaper. Hell, you can set Helena up in the broom closet and feed me nachos and Wild Turkey and I'll do the work. The fumes from the cleaning products will only give me more incentive to work fast. I'm just sayin.

Two more years of this shit and I promise you that the order in which the new monarchy will reign will be as follows:
Peter DiSclablahblah: Puppet King Antiochus Epiphanes
Peter DiModelnazi: Lex Luthor
Kathy Nonuthin': The Evil Gargamel
Merry Vermin: Gargamel's cat AZRAEL (there will be hell and cat litter to pay!)
Judith Why men: Shirley Maclaine (in some other life)
Thing 1 (Bike Windowlickerdella): Timmy from South Park (Timmy!)
Thing 2 (Dick Windowlickerdella):Jimmy from South Park (Jimmy!)
Dave Pillard: Elmer Fudd (sorry, nice guy, but come on, gullible much?)

Alright sweeties, I've hit the bottom of the Reserva 1800 Silver bottle, so off to beddy-bye for me. I will sleep soundly. For I know that the other shoe is about to drop. I want to leave you all with a poem I think reflects the administration of our esteemed dullard leader and perhaps a reflection also, of the ending of his short lived career in politics.

Something Wicked this way Comes by Ray Bradbury

Crystal water turns to dark
Where ere it's presence leaves it's mark
And boiling currents pound like drums
When something wicked this way comes...

A presence dark invades the fair
And gives the horses ample scare
Chaos rains and panic fills the air
When something wicked this way comes...

Ill winds mark it's fearsome flight,
And autumn branches creak with fright.
The landscape turns to ashen crumbs,
When something wicked this way comes...

Flowers bloom as black as night
Removing color from your sight
Nightmarish vines block your way
Thorns reach out to catch their prey

And by the pricking of your thumbs
Realize that their poison numbs
From frightful blooms, rank odors seep
Bats & beasties fly & creep

'Cross this evil land, ill winds blow
Despite the darkness, mushrooms glow
All will rot & decompose
For something wicked this way grows...

I'm baaaacckkkkkkkkk!

Sorry kiddies, but I was away in Bethel, celebrating the Woodstock Festival Revival Rehash ridiculousness. But, hey, a girl has to go where the good times are, right? And y'all know the good times don't happen in Shitdaken! I mean, every time you try to go to the cool happening place (Shandaken Museum, or as it is now known, "fresh step palace") in town,it's always closed. I met a doctor (at least he said he was a doctor, but how can I know for sure) and he told me while we stood at the famed sight, that over four million people at that moment in time would be thinking about the concert that once was...

...I smacked him on the head with a bottle of 99 bananas (empty of course) and walked away, wondering... who the @*#@ cares! I also realized that was the lamest pick-up line ever uttered by a male of our species. Doctor my ass! He's probably the night manager of a telemarketing company, or a director of a museum with kitty litter for steps.

So, what happened while I was out getting my party on? Hmmm, a new crop of crazy developed while I was away. Seems that one of our beloved town employees,along with a rabid band of malcontents, have been busy sending out e-mails to voters about one of my favorite candidates. Seems the attempt to black list this candidate at the conservative caucus was squashed, and Mr. Blue Eyes (you guess which one) made it anyway. However, the lovely Ms. Ellison was not as fortunate, the Conservatives instead giving a nod to Mr. Randy (where's my blue ox?)Ostrander. Hmmmmm. I prefer Pat, but if Mr. Ostrander promises to take care of Merry Vermin in a full on cage match, I'll let him stay. If Paul Bunion squashes the likes of all of Shandaken's trolls, then he is my favorite giant. But for common sense purposes, I hope to hell Pat wins.

So, this e-mail was apparently received by Democrats in the loop (of course it was, who else will actually take the time to read anything Merry Vermin writes about except those that smoke the same shit as her) and a couple of conservatives. In it, it made claims about Mr. Rob Stanley that, well frankly, I refuse to repeat as they make my heart cry. The kind of cry that needs Cuervo and mint milanos to get over. It got me to thinking...What kind of person would do such a thing? Well, my dear follower(s), is it a wretched, unloved, evil person? Maybe. A desperate person? Definitely. A person who knows they don't have what it takes to win so they resort to underhanded deceit? Yup. You will find their picture on the other blog, The shandaken truth. Yes, Merry seems to have a cow lick in that photo, but it's a good look for her, don't you think? Amazing what a good comb-over can do for a girl! In the words of a State employee who worked with her once, "She's a piece of work alright. Piss her off, disagree with her, and she'll spend all of her time trying to destroy you. That is the sign of a truly crazy person!" Enough about this hag, she isn't even relevant anymore. God, I hope she got her cat litter back...wasn't that what she was complaining about at the last Town Board Meeting show?

Anytownwhore, I am assuming that Rob, Jack, and Pat have someone veryyyy nervous. Someone who swings from a microphone and requires pounds of "Dapper Dan" pomade! Someone who carries a sippy cup and crayons, and has a time out when he talks back to Kathy Nonothing. Apparently he has been attempting to sabotage Shandaken Day (imagine that , the frigging bo'tard is Shandaken's Supervisor, but doesn't want to promote his own town's "day"!) by having the sign removed from its placement on Rte. 28 in Mt. Tremper. Seems that a "permit" was required, but the State was going to "forgive" the incident, but Saltpeter said "Noooooooooo, we'll just take that down right away." It was either sabotage or Saltpeter REALLY doesn't know how to write and could not fill out the permit form.

Okay, it gets better. Beyond Shandaken Day. Hey, remember how he said on my favorite show's last episode that we were getting that $5000.00 for the senior munch(oops, typo, but isn't lunch overdone anyway?) program? Yup, the money was imminent. Ahha. Uhm...so, somebody forgot to actually apply for that money. Did you know that? Yeahhh, ahhh, seems that Saltpeter (okay, new nickname for him is Bo...short for Bo'tard, and quicker to type)never even applied for the money and is now having difficulty completing the grant application.You can't make this shit up folks! THIS IS WHAT'S RUNNING OUR TOWN RIGHT NOW! If you aren't so scared you're shitting yourself, you are cold and dead and should lie down IMMEDIATELY. Call an ambulance first, or Gormely's, whichever is appropriate.

This guy has lied his way through his first term, and he will continue to think he can get away with it. He will use his evil flying monkeys (Kathy Nonothing, et al)to do his bidding so as not to dirty his hands, leaving them clean to apply the pomade, and with no accountability required...oh wait, there IS accountability required.

Yes, the State has finally noticed. They are finally paying attention. They, like Helena, are watching Peter closely. They are also watching his supporters. The weirder their actions, the more the State pays attention. It's going to get REALLY interesting in the next couple of weeks. Don't be surprised if you read about an investigation (noooo, not in the Rag, silly, you know that bitch wouldn't run a story against Bo like that)taking place. One looking into procedural practices and conflict of interest in hiring of town employees (and granting them benefits where others have not qualified) Yes, Bo has been good to his friends. So was Ivan Boesky.

Uhgggg. Helena has to get up early, the tread mill is calling me. Calling me a lazy bitch! But my next post will begin to pick apart the candidates. Ohhh, I can't wait!

Rainman part deux

Check out this link. A past Phoenicia Rag article about the cell tower, and how Kathy Knownothing warned Pete-ard about the dangers of letting the cell tower builder do so without providers already signed up. And yes,anonymous, that was a good question from my last blog- WHY did they (the builder of the world's largest coat rack) get their money back that was held in escrow? Someone needs to ask a bitch this question at the next town board meeting. OR they need to start asking their neighbors why in the hell they might consider voting for Pete again (just in case.

http://www.phoeniciatimes.com/archivesPT/PT.6.5.2008/newsbriefs.html

Oh, and as a new campaign slogan, the Republicans should try...
"A vote for Peter is a vote for Kathy Nolan and Peter Dimodica, and Mary Herrmann, and Rose Dorn!"

Oh no he Di'nt! Rain Man cometh

OH…MY…GOD!
The Town of Shandaken Monthly Meeting show ended this evening with the board adjourning to an executive session to deal with the NYC assessment litigation. I can just hear it now, peter having to say, “uh… so they want it to go another way, but I can put a spin on this to make it look like we got our way.”
But not before the clown in the circus that is our town government performed like, well, a clown in a circus. But not one of those “learned and professional” clowns you find in a Ringling Bros. arena. More like one of those Clyde Beatty side show carnie circus clown. You known, the ones who carry a real flask filled with real bourbon, not confetti.
The meeting started benignly enough. Pete-ard giving his Supervisor’s report which never seems to follow the budget that is put out for everyone else to read. Scanning the crowd, the viewers can see audience members looking around at each other, some pretending to see what Pete-ard is reading, others shrugging their shoulders and figuring if he doesn’t know what he is reading, why should they?
During the Correspondence portions, Peter read two letters, one from Dave “I’ve been out of the spot light too long, but I still hate the Todds” Channon, offering to build a fugly metal garbage Indian for the Park, ya know, in time for Shandaken Day, because, it will help to take attention away from the real prize of the day, the massive wooden sculpture of the Big Indian. Thanks anyway, Sculptor Dave. After Pete reads the letters, Dave jumps up as if his crack fix finally kicked in, and in the loudest voice possible (bitch is either hard o’ hearing or an attention whore…I choose the latter) and starts spouting off about the artists tour and introduces Judith Singer, and she gets up to say how wonderful she is and how much money all these unemployed pretend artists made (tax free?) without having any paperwork to back it up, of course, as this is the land of Oz and all things are as the munchkins say they are (sorry Dave, but really, do you represent the lollipop guild? Just wondering, actually Mr. Cuervo made me ask that! Stop it Mr .Cuervo, or I’ll get Jack Daniels to kick your ass!!! But really, this was not open comment time (or as I call it, amateur open mike hour) this was still correspondence time. WTF?
Moving on, and skipping the totally boring parts as sometimes my favorite show does drone on and on with blah blah blahs taking over. Republican contender for a council seat, Jack Jordan, asked Snoris if the economic Development Committee was involved in any of the artists tour shit, and she says in a low monotone…”No we did not participate” Good catch Jack, he needs to bring to light the fact that this committee (comprised of Bike Windowlickerdella, Snoris, Some artyfarty photog from swanky Manhattan, and Kathy Nolan are a part of, has participated in NOTHING to help the area during these tough economic times. Kathy once promised to be able to have a log home kiosk tourism booth built and fully wired for $3000.00 at one of these meetings. What happened to that?
Jack went on to ask about the farm stand law, to which our special needs leader said “We’re working on it.” Vin “the chin” Bernstein then said something along the lines of “Uh, we are supposed to be taking the lead on the SEQRA review, when is that to happen” and Peter says, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, then shook his mustache a bit, then the mustache grabbed the Microphone and did a lovely gymnastics move (okay, Helena was drinking A LOT by then) and Jack chimed in “so, you said you would be meeting about this at the last meeting” and Pete-ard’s retort was, “I didn’t mean meeting meeting!” Gosh Jack, how can’t you understand that? It’s so clear to me, Rain Man lies. He lies like a rug. A Persian rug. Yeah, I went there. Oh, Rain man used big words tonight. For instance, he said the farm stand law was “stymied”.
Stymied. That means obstructed. Who stymied it? And do the other little rascals know about Stymie’s new career here in Shandaken ?
Now, let me get to my favorite part of the show. So, Rob Stanley had the floor for quite some time, listing all the stuff going on that he has been involved in (really, Pete-ard makes like $36000.00 a year, councilmen make $8000.00 and Pete-ard puts in a total of eleventeen hours a month and Rob is actually working the councilman shit 24/7/365, why come?) But I digress (which is bound to happen with friends in places like “Arbor Mist” and “the Rhine Valley”). So Anybull, Rob finally finishes with his list of accomplishment for the month and you can just see the fear and anger welling in the mustache. SO, not to be outdone, Saltpeter bellows out, “I’ve applied for a $600,000 Grant for rail trails or some such bullshit (not important for what really, and you’ll see why) and you can see Rob shake his head and look like, “Oh no you di’ent!” Rob proclaims his shock, then asks Tardo why he didn’t consult the other councilmen, shouts from the audience supporting Pete saying he is “our Supervisor, he can do it!” Never mind that he actually has to follow procedure , he should ask for support letters, etc. BUT WAIT! It gets really good. Remember when I mentioned in a blog some time back about how Peter has his own reality and if he says something ,that just makes it so. Refer to the NYC settlement statement “We have a settlement in that I have a figure I would like it to be.”
So, Kiddies, long story short, He did NOT apply for a grant. He stammered over it, trying to pile lie on lie, trying to explain to Rob what it was “not a resolution grant” (what the “f” is that?), then used words like “it’s amorphous” ( means without form, i.e. a LIE!!!) and tenuous (having little substance, hmm, like his administration) and ambiguous (doubtful and uncertain, like Petey himself). I think somebody got a word a day calendar for his birthday.
These are the same exact words I’ve used to describe Pete-ard and his entire service to the community.
In other words, the grant doesn’t exist.
So then the spectacular Pete-ard says “I didn’t apply for a grant, just sent a letter of interest for the grant, which, as it turns out may or may not exist, and there may or may not be 600k there to be got. More likely he just felt kinda left out with all of Rob’s accomplishments, so he had to go and make up one for himself. All by himself, no help from Kathy or anything! Yeah, so, Assemblymen call Peter and some other Supervisor from some other town (according to the real Supervisor Kathy Knownothing) and asked if they would be “interested in $600,000”, ya know, as they do, and then suggested that Pete write a letter using his brightest crayons and ask nicely and then if there is ever a grant offered to municipalities for $600k and Peter and Kathy still run the town, and the moon is full for 12 out of 24 days, and the Yankees win the world series for the next seven years straight, then they might have a slim chance in getting $12.00 for a few lottery tickets an airline sized bottle of Jagermeister.
So some bitch says, “I see where the confusion is. You said you applied for a $600k grant, when in reality you didn’t.”

Pete-ard responds with “I didn’t say that, no that’s not what I said”. Rewind the tape…
“ I recently applied for a $600k grant for...” etc.
See how it works, if he says it’s so, it’s so. And if he says he didn’t say it, he didn’t. Regardless of what the tape says and no matter how many times you replay it and he says he applied for a grant, he didn’t, okay? GOT IT?
So Kathy said, “blah blah blah aahhhhh ugggh , box lunch, ahhhghghghakl blah.” But she said it with such authority that I had to hold my glass up to her and say, “You go boy!”
Then Gary Gailes gets up and says something really smart (I think he is a doctor or a lawyer or an Indian chief. Not the fake kind like Kathy, the real kind that has practiced and worked and built a career, not Kathy’s imaginary career which is somewhere over the rainbow). He asks Peter to invite our County legislators to a town board meeting show (oooooo, I love special guest stars) and make them explain how our $13 million grant for road work became $2million to patch a hole and buy the road crew shots at the B.I. Peter gives his patented snarky “yeah, sure” and moves on. You know that bitch won’t dare do that. Gary, sweetie, it takes backbone to challenge County officials. Where have you been, are you new here? Peter is made up of old lawn mower parts, zucchini guts, straw, and fairy dust (he too, is a member of the lollipop guild, but only as a towel boy). NO backbone in that there mustachioed moron.
Then Rob mentions that he is applying (for a real grant) to make repairs to the Museum, and says that he and Vincencia will be taking a day out of their schedules and repairing the steps with in-kind service (in-kind means they have to have sex with someone, I think). Mary Herrmann starts yelling at Rob (after he just said they would fix the steps) and bitches loudly trying to make it look like he is not doing anything. Why she did this was obvious. She wants Pete-ard to stay in “business” so she can keep a job otherwise it’s back to hookin’ and dealin’ for her! Not enough Biker Bars in Shandaken to keep that bitch in tattoos and “Chateau Hoboken” wine. This bitch needs mood stabilizers and she needs them NOW! Rob gave it back to her though, “Stop lambasting me Mary when I just said we would be doing the work!” In my drunken state, it sounded like this:
Mary: WWWWHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, burp! Gimme stairs and cat litter!”
Rob: “Get off my back, WHORE. Go sleep it off you horrible troll of a thing!”
Mary: “does the museum board know about this?”
Rob: “What?”
Mary: “that I drink in the basement to hide the pain?” And why do all my friends look like characters from an L. Frank Baum story?”
So, no special guest tonight as promised (except for Dave Channon, but he was played by Danny Devito tonight, and I don’t like Danny, not since “Twins” anyway) but it was entertaining none the less. Snoris was more quiet than usual (I think I caught her ‘day-maring” once or twice). Thing 1 and Thing 2 said NOTHING, except I noticed Thing 2 trying to suck up to Dave (I wish I had hair) Pillard and Kathy (I wish I was a real live person) Nolan. Oh, and I learned that Dave Pillard hates Mike (I’m a hot ginge) Wentland. Too bad. If they became friends, Mike could grow his hair out and make a wig for Dave and then there could be two hot ginges in town. Who am I kidding, this town isn’t big enough for two hot ginges! Wait, can’t forget Declan, he’s a ginge too! Okay, three hot ginges? No way. Too much hotness for one town. Add in Rob and Jack with eyes of blue, shake with ginge hair sauce, and BOOM!
Okay, I’ve officially had too much to drink. I’ve made numerous “wizard of Oz” references, a couple of “Rain Man” references, and a “little Rascals” reference, and I think I peed myself a little laughing about it all! Till later, when I’m more lucid and remember stuff the right way…
Bye bye kiddies!

I saw Kat...er Rose's letter in the funkytown rag, thanking the Shandaken ambulance, various police departments, Satan, and the "Dapper Dan Pomade Company", for helping her and her pet/husband last week. I wanted to take this opportunity to wish our fearless (or completely petrified) leader a speedy recovery from....

A. A massive stroke brought on by the weighty lies and deception he carries
B. A panic attack brought on by the weighty lies and deception he carries
C. An emergency mustache removal
D. A hemorrhoid eruption brought on by the lies...etc.

Either way, get well soon, little trooper. Without you there is no "Town of Shandaken Monthly Meeting Show" and Helena would have nothing to laugh at each month.

Just a reminder...

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow night to Helena's all time favorite, the "Town of Shandaken Monthly Meeting" show! If you can. get down to the "set" and watch them tape it "live and in person". I dare you to ask Peter for his autograph!

I've already set out my favorite martini glass. I've pressed my favorite "first Monday of the month dress" and I'm showering early.

Don't call me after 6:30

I'm serious, bitches, don't!

Can't wait to see who they throw under the bus this month.

I think I know who it will be as I have a secret insider who told me who the special guest is going to be(this insider is also the one gathering my info on Petey and his special adviser and their activities) but let's just say a business might just be short a staff member this week. We'll see though, sometimes people chicken out at the last minute.

Ta for now!

P.s. If you haven't already, catch my friend Fanci's latest post, awesome work on the photo-montage! Brilliant. And it also makes it apparent Pete-ard has only one face...snarky. Full of snarkasm. So snarkalicous. And Dick Windowlickerdella is just a fat @#%*! Sorry, I've already started warming up for tomorrow night.