Oh no he Di'nt! Rain Man cometh

OH…MY…GOD!
The Town of Shandaken Monthly Meeting show ended this evening with the board adjourning to an executive session to deal with the NYC assessment litigation. I can just hear it now, peter having to say, “uh… so they want it to go another way, but I can put a spin on this to make it look like we got our way.”
But not before the clown in the circus that is our town government performed like, well, a clown in a circus. But not one of those “learned and professional” clowns you find in a Ringling Bros. arena. More like one of those Clyde Beatty side show carnie circus clown. You known, the ones who carry a real flask filled with real bourbon, not confetti.
The meeting started benignly enough. Pete-ard giving his Supervisor’s report which never seems to follow the budget that is put out for everyone else to read. Scanning the crowd, the viewers can see audience members looking around at each other, some pretending to see what Pete-ard is reading, others shrugging their shoulders and figuring if he doesn’t know what he is reading, why should they?
During the Correspondence portions, Peter read two letters, one from Dave “I’ve been out of the spot light too long, but I still hate the Todds” Channon, offering to build a fugly metal garbage Indian for the Park, ya know, in time for Shandaken Day, because, it will help to take attention away from the real prize of the day, the massive wooden sculpture of the Big Indian. Thanks anyway, Sculptor Dave. After Pete reads the letters, Dave jumps up as if his crack fix finally kicked in, and in the loudest voice possible (bitch is either hard o’ hearing or an attention whore…I choose the latter) and starts spouting off about the artists tour and introduces Judith Singer, and she gets up to say how wonderful she is and how much money all these unemployed pretend artists made (tax free?) without having any paperwork to back it up, of course, as this is the land of Oz and all things are as the munchkins say they are (sorry Dave, but really, do you represent the lollipop guild? Just wondering, actually Mr. Cuervo made me ask that! Stop it Mr .Cuervo, or I’ll get Jack Daniels to kick your ass!!! But really, this was not open comment time (or as I call it, amateur open mike hour) this was still correspondence time. WTF?
Moving on, and skipping the totally boring parts as sometimes my favorite show does drone on and on with blah blah blahs taking over. Republican contender for a council seat, Jack Jordan, asked Snoris if the economic Development Committee was involved in any of the artists tour shit, and she says in a low monotone…”No we did not participate” Good catch Jack, he needs to bring to light the fact that this committee (comprised of Bike Windowlickerdella, Snoris, Some artyfarty photog from swanky Manhattan, and Kathy Nolan are a part of, has participated in NOTHING to help the area during these tough economic times. Kathy once promised to be able to have a log home kiosk tourism booth built and fully wired for $3000.00 at one of these meetings. What happened to that?
Jack went on to ask about the farm stand law, to which our special needs leader said “We’re working on it.” Vin “the chin” Bernstein then said something along the lines of “Uh, we are supposed to be taking the lead on the SEQRA review, when is that to happen” and Peter says, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, then shook his mustache a bit, then the mustache grabbed the Microphone and did a lovely gymnastics move (okay, Helena was drinking A LOT by then) and Jack chimed in “so, you said you would be meeting about this at the last meeting” and Pete-ard’s retort was, “I didn’t mean meeting meeting!” Gosh Jack, how can’t you understand that? It’s so clear to me, Rain Man lies. He lies like a rug. A Persian rug. Yeah, I went there. Oh, Rain man used big words tonight. For instance, he said the farm stand law was “stymied”.
Stymied. That means obstructed. Who stymied it? And do the other little rascals know about Stymie’s new career here in Shandaken ?
Now, let me get to my favorite part of the show. So, Rob Stanley had the floor for quite some time, listing all the stuff going on that he has been involved in (really, Pete-ard makes like $36000.00 a year, councilmen make $8000.00 and Pete-ard puts in a total of eleventeen hours a month and Rob is actually working the councilman shit 24/7/365, why come?) But I digress (which is bound to happen with friends in places like “Arbor Mist” and “the Rhine Valley”). So Anybull, Rob finally finishes with his list of accomplishment for the month and you can just see the fear and anger welling in the mustache. SO, not to be outdone, Saltpeter bellows out, “I’ve applied for a $600,000 Grant for rail trails or some such bullshit (not important for what really, and you’ll see why) and you can see Rob shake his head and look like, “Oh no you di’ent!” Rob proclaims his shock, then asks Tardo why he didn’t consult the other councilmen, shouts from the audience supporting Pete saying he is “our Supervisor, he can do it!” Never mind that he actually has to follow procedure , he should ask for support letters, etc. BUT WAIT! It gets really good. Remember when I mentioned in a blog some time back about how Peter has his own reality and if he says something ,that just makes it so. Refer to the NYC settlement statement “We have a settlement in that I have a figure I would like it to be.”
So, Kiddies, long story short, He did NOT apply for a grant. He stammered over it, trying to pile lie on lie, trying to explain to Rob what it was “not a resolution grant” (what the “f” is that?), then used words like “it’s amorphous” ( means without form, i.e. a LIE!!!) and tenuous (having little substance, hmm, like his administration) and ambiguous (doubtful and uncertain, like Petey himself). I think somebody got a word a day calendar for his birthday.
These are the same exact words I’ve used to describe Pete-ard and his entire service to the community.
In other words, the grant doesn’t exist.
So then the spectacular Pete-ard says “I didn’t apply for a grant, just sent a letter of interest for the grant, which, as it turns out may or may not exist, and there may or may not be 600k there to be got. More likely he just felt kinda left out with all of Rob’s accomplishments, so he had to go and make up one for himself. All by himself, no help from Kathy or anything! Yeah, so, Assemblymen call Peter and some other Supervisor from some other town (according to the real Supervisor Kathy Knownothing) and asked if they would be “interested in $600,000”, ya know, as they do, and then suggested that Pete write a letter using his brightest crayons and ask nicely and then if there is ever a grant offered to municipalities for $600k and Peter and Kathy still run the town, and the moon is full for 12 out of 24 days, and the Yankees win the world series for the next seven years straight, then they might have a slim chance in getting $12.00 for a few lottery tickets an airline sized bottle of Jagermeister.
So some bitch says, “I see where the confusion is. You said you applied for a $600k grant, when in reality you didn’t.”

Pete-ard responds with “I didn’t say that, no that’s not what I said”. Rewind the tape…
“ I recently applied for a $600k grant for...” etc.
See how it works, if he says it’s so, it’s so. And if he says he didn’t say it, he didn’t. Regardless of what the tape says and no matter how many times you replay it and he says he applied for a grant, he didn’t, okay? GOT IT?
So Kathy said, “blah blah blah aahhhhh ugggh , box lunch, ahhhghghghakl blah.” But she said it with such authority that I had to hold my glass up to her and say, “You go boy!”
Then Gary Gailes gets up and says something really smart (I think he is a doctor or a lawyer or an Indian chief. Not the fake kind like Kathy, the real kind that has practiced and worked and built a career, not Kathy’s imaginary career which is somewhere over the rainbow). He asks Peter to invite our County legislators to a town board meeting show (oooooo, I love special guest stars) and make them explain how our $13 million grant for road work became $2million to patch a hole and buy the road crew shots at the B.I. Peter gives his patented snarky “yeah, sure” and moves on. You know that bitch won’t dare do that. Gary, sweetie, it takes backbone to challenge County officials. Where have you been, are you new here? Peter is made up of old lawn mower parts, zucchini guts, straw, and fairy dust (he too, is a member of the lollipop guild, but only as a towel boy). NO backbone in that there mustachioed moron.
Then Rob mentions that he is applying (for a real grant) to make repairs to the Museum, and says that he and Vincencia will be taking a day out of their schedules and repairing the steps with in-kind service (in-kind means they have to have sex with someone, I think). Mary Herrmann starts yelling at Rob (after he just said they would fix the steps) and bitches loudly trying to make it look like he is not doing anything. Why she did this was obvious. She wants Pete-ard to stay in “business” so she can keep a job otherwise it’s back to hookin’ and dealin’ for her! Not enough Biker Bars in Shandaken to keep that bitch in tattoos and “Chateau Hoboken” wine. This bitch needs mood stabilizers and she needs them NOW! Rob gave it back to her though, “Stop lambasting me Mary when I just said we would be doing the work!” In my drunken state, it sounded like this:
Mary: WWWWHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, burp! Gimme stairs and cat litter!”
Rob: “Get off my back, WHORE. Go sleep it off you horrible troll of a thing!”
Mary: “does the museum board know about this?”
Rob: “What?”
Mary: “that I drink in the basement to hide the pain?” And why do all my friends look like characters from an L. Frank Baum story?”
So, no special guest tonight as promised (except for Dave Channon, but he was played by Danny Devito tonight, and I don’t like Danny, not since “Twins” anyway) but it was entertaining none the less. Snoris was more quiet than usual (I think I caught her ‘day-maring” once or twice). Thing 1 and Thing 2 said NOTHING, except I noticed Thing 2 trying to suck up to Dave (I wish I had hair) Pillard and Kathy (I wish I was a real live person) Nolan. Oh, and I learned that Dave Pillard hates Mike (I’m a hot ginge) Wentland. Too bad. If they became friends, Mike could grow his hair out and make a wig for Dave and then there could be two hot ginges in town. Who am I kidding, this town isn’t big enough for two hot ginges! Wait, can’t forget Declan, he’s a ginge too! Okay, three hot ginges? No way. Too much hotness for one town. Add in Rob and Jack with eyes of blue, shake with ginge hair sauce, and BOOM!
Okay, I’ve officially had too much to drink. I’ve made numerous “wizard of Oz” references, a couple of “Rain Man” references, and a “little Rascals” reference, and I think I peed myself a little laughing about it all! Till later, when I’m more lucid and remember stuff the right way…
Bye bye kiddies!