Rob Stanley, a priest, and Forrest Gump walk into a bar...

So, mommies and poppies, Helena was so caught up in the election fervor, that she forgot that her favorite t.v. show was on tonight. A specially scheduled town board meeting show took place, but I only caught the first part as I was scheduled to attend a wake being held at the Sportsman's Alamo Cantina.

Well, from the small portion of the meeting I did watch, the budget was discussed. And while I know that fourteen shots of Cabo Wabo will make your reasoning abilities fuzzy like Petey's math, I believe things have gotten so bad, that we are now going to be reduced to purposely injuring tourists to raise some cash for the town. I believe the board even voted on it and everything. There was discussion of breaking skiers legs or putting snow boarders in traction. Maybe I have some of the facts wrong, but I think we residents will be given assignments on who to injure, how and where. I'll keep you posted...

They also discussed how the good neighbor fund should never be touched again, except to fix the shit hole in the flood plain that is town hall. In the mean time, Peter says we should all collect green stamps to save up for the more important ambulance the town needs. In forty seven years, we will have collected enough green stamps to bring Cindy Brady to the Green Stamps store to pick out a really cool EMS vehicle...or a sewing machine, which ever Cindy Brandy really wants.

They then moved on to the trigonometry and theory of relativity portion of the meeting (apparently), as they spent fifty two minutes figuring out where $10,000 was going. Rob finally had to get up and give Forrest the right budget that the rest of the world was working on...yeah, the election results were a good thing.

As the camera panned the audience, I noticed that not many peeps showed up for the live performance taping. Only a handful of daring souls braved the bore-fest, including Mr. Rich Muelerlalalalalala in his uniformed finest, Kathy Knownothing and Barbara Redbarnstormer (who displayed an odd choice in seating position for those of us watching from home- girl, try closing your legs once in a while, that thing has had plenty of air already!). The Windowlickerdellas showed up late, and not too many more than that were there.

They then announced that they were taking a ten minute break (eleventy eight minutes in PT) and that is when I shut down the tv and high tailed it to Sporto's. Boy, you could wipe the floors with the mopey,teat (typo, but it stays) stained faces there. Good thing the Democrats have found a new home in Sporto's. They needed a "bat cave" and Bike needs the business.

Hey, just wondering, has Pete-ard congratulated Rob on his win? If anyone knows, please feel free to alert me. I'm just wondering.

And to my friends Fanci and Barry, thanks for not speaking for me, because as you know, I still have two solid months left, and plenty of Petey jokes to write. I'm gonna miss that bitch!

...Then again, I still have Snoris

Helena

Who's your Superman

That's right, my beh-beh's. Just as Helena called it yesterday, Rob is takin' home the win! We wanted our voices heard, and now they will be.

So far, another win for the team can be called, with Jack Jordan taking a seat on the town board.

Of course, the Phoenicia Rag's spin will be "Peter wins option to stay in office for two more months, wants to focus on improving relationship with restaurant patrons."

Now on a serious note (and you know how Helena hates serious notes, it makes the gin taste bitter) just last week, a nervy sort going by the name of "Sarducci" wrote on my friend Fanci's forum, that "when we find out who you are, we are going to run you and those like you outta town!"

Well, Mr. Sarducci, let me tell you who we are. We are the 588+ who voted for Robert Stanley. We are the 509+ who voted for Jack Jordan and the 389+ who voted for Pat Ellison. We are the 397+ and the 407+ who voted for Joan Kalb and Johnny Horn. We are the 442+ who voted for Charlie Frasier. And lastly, we are the 673+ who voted for Tom Crucet.

Now, if any of you have chillens reading this, make them leave the screen 'cause its about to get all "r" rated up in here.

So there you have it Mr. Sarducci. That is who we are. With that said, you better have a big fucking gun to run all of us outta town. And if you don't? Shut your ignorant mouth, take your medicine like a good boy or girl, and walk away from this one, because you are completely out numbered. You're probably the same jackass that was stealing JoJo's signs up and down 28. You're a pathetic dweeb.

Serious note over.

Yes, Chillens we did it!!!!
Congratulations to Rob and Jack, and all those who fought the good fight. It ain't over for Pat yet, the county shows her at a 5 vote lead, which is nothing yet with absentee votes yet to be counted.

And as for the assessors votes...uhm, WTF?! A photographer over a bookkeeper? Bitches, please! And the man who was once supervisor only to be run out of office two years later, now running for the lesser position of assessor beats the man who actually has experience in assessments? Bitches, please!

And on a lighter note, I wanted to wish Mr. DiSclafluffy good luck in his new career in the rodeo. Life can get lonely on the circuit, so I would encourage you all to drop Cowboy Pete a line once in a while. The up side for Petey is, horsies don't like politics and they don't vote, so Pete will never have to explain the "Farm Stand Law" or how the sewer referendum failed. And, mustaches are still really popular with the cowboys, and he has a variety of styles to choose from.


Night my beh-behs.

A word from a Peter Supporter

Hey There Shandakenites...Shandakeners? Shandakeninnies? Yeah, that's more like it. I wanted to throw my support towards Mr. DiFanny. That's his name right? Well, the reason I'm supporting him is because he wrote a letter and asked me to do so. He also sent me a picute he drew himself.




So, how could I turn down a request like that. I would have to have a heart made of ice,and we all know, as Mr. Heat Miser, that's not possible.
Anyway, since I've served on the board of directors for the dark side for some 50 years, I think I know a thing or three about keeping citizens unhappy. I think that this little fellow has what it takes to make you all unhappy for many years to come. Here is another of the many wonderful pictures he keeps sending me.
Or, it's his signature, I can't really tell. Either way, please get him to stop writing to me. I don't care how you do it... tell him I died! Oh, and if you want to stay miserable, vote for him too.

A word from Da Man

You know what to do, my groovy babies.

You know who to put in those ever important seats!

Rob, Jack, Pat, JoJo, Johnny, Tom, Charlie, Keith.

Or there will be hell to pay!!!!!!!!

Nah, just kidding!

Orrrrrrrrr am I?
Rock the vote, my children.

70's Spicy God

Ahhh, yeah, Row B is my Bitches!

So, who do you want running your town? Helena tends to vote for the guy who:
A. Is not a cartoon character
B. Has a cool goatee in place of a dated, out o' control mustache hell bent on world dominance.
C. Knows what he is doing.

With the latest (won't say last, as I'm still waiting for the "Rob molests goats" letter to show up in my mailbox today) bit of propaganda sent out by the Democrats, I would assume that NASA's successful string of launches this year can be attributed to our current ball und chain
"Peteyorite" DiSclafluffy. This mailer started with something along the lines of "some might try to convince you that things are not well with Shandaken..." no SHIT! But, then, it goes on to say things are super rosey (they forgot to include the rose-colored glasses for readers) and lists all sorts of events that take place or took place in the town this year. None of which had anything to do with Peteyorite, yet once again, his advisers have taken the liberty to give credit to Petey for all things wonderful. So, on that note, let me add to Peteyorite's other lists of accomplishments this past 20 months that he also has nothing to do with:

- saved thousands of jobs with his national stimulus package
- Helped Meb Keflezighi win the New York Marathon by coaching him and feeding him 'sgetti and meatballs
-welded the scrap metal from ground zero that is now on the USS New York.
-Assembled the USS New York from the scrap metal from ground zero.
-Convinced Afgani President Karzai to hold a re-vote in his country.

But seriously, I think my beh-behs know who to vote for.

First, you have the Assessor's office. JoJo and Johnny need to get these spots, you need unbiased assessing, because we all know that the Days of "Personal Opinion Assessments" must come to an end NOW! No more "this bitch is gonna pay big 'cause I don't like her"or "this bitch gets a break 'cause they liked my dress at the last Christmas party" shit. These two people will make everything all better.

Then, for Judges, hands down you know who has to go in. Tom (the incumbent) and Charlie can easily serve the needs of the community fairly. Don't know how long this Amy Brown has lived here, but I picture her living in a broom closet somewhere in the Monastery, waiting for her 2 hours of daylight allowance when she can come out and be among "the others". Miranda, eh, you know about him selling me that used car, so nuff said!

Councilmen. Now, you can't let me down on this one, my chillens! If Jack and Pat are not elected, Helena is going to throw a hissy fit like none you've ever seen before. Like Merry Vermin's hissy fits, only with people actually being hurt! When I throw a hissy fit, I throw furniture along with it! Antique, re-finished furniture! The heavy shit! This is where the name "cloudspinners" came from, just for your reference!

Now, on to Supervisor. You know where Helena stands on this one. If you don't then you're new to this page, and if so, where the hell have you been?

Robbie is going to walk away from this one, and you know how I know this? I was sitting with Petey, Merry, Ms. Knownothing, and "the Rose" the other night, and we were all talking about what we were gonna do after election. Pete the meat said he was going back to Colorado and take up horse back riding. Merry said she would be looking for a job at the "Blue Jay Way" on North Front Street. Ms. Knownothing said she did not have to make any changes because she did not work, was only an advisor, and would find some other poor sap to sit and listen to her ramblings for hours on end. Me, I just kept my mouth quiet. I cant' lose my job. When you drink for a living, there is real job security in it. Thank you Hennesey.

So, Rob, my Superman, I've called the election already and you've got your work cut out for you. But you are more than up to the challenge. This is what you've spent the last four years grooming for. No one was able to intimidate you, make you cry, or change your mind. You stuck to your guns, played the maverick, and worked tirelessly. Now it's up to you. Work well with the others, play by the rules, make decisions that will enable you to continue to hold your head up high, and never take the low ground.

That is why Helena is voting for you.

That is why Helena is voting for EVERYONE on row B- because all you bitches are bitches who can still walk around holding your heads up high in this lowly berg.

Good luck to my chillens!

I, along with Mr. Jim Beam, will be rooting for you.

Not since the cold war have we seen such a massive defection

Hello my Chirrens! I know it's been a few days since my last post, and nooooooo I was not kidnapped by evil trolls and set aflame as was previously published in the National Enquirer. I was actually out canvasing the town and picking up bits of information wherever it was offered. One thing Helena has learned over the years is "feed a man Patrone, and he will drink for days"...no wait, I'm getting my metawhores confused. What I meant was, buy a guy a drink from the top shelf, and he will tell you everything he hears in the bar.

Well, what did Helena learn from her excursions throughout town?

Something very interesting but not surprising. It would appear that TOWM supporters are leaving the flock in droves. Yup, you heard me. They're turning in their foil hats and quittin' that bitch, ASAP. Turns out people get turned off by dirty politics and lies. Don't believe me? Just read any playboy magazine since 19?? Every centerfold will tell you, their turn offs are liars and jerks (unless they are super rich) and politics doesn't curl their toes. A combination of nothing accomplished, lies upon lies, and incompetence, grouped in with a dash of crazy psycho advisers spreading a spectacularly unsuccessful smear campaign against, of all people, individuals not even running for any office, have left those that were once hopeful of Peter (and Obama, oooo, let's call them, Pobama) gravely disappointed.

He was gonna bring us together, remember? We were gonna go on picnics and group trips to Great Adventure! We were gonna plant flowers and sing crappy 60's folk music together. We we gonna work together to build a bridge (no, not the walkway) to harmony. Then Peter's stash ran out (January 3rd) and when the smoke cleared, the bitch turned rabid. The hit list was put in place and instead of accomplishing things and stuff, he and the clan set about bringing their perceived enemies down and destroying any hopes of all residents voices being heard. The segregation of the population was played out quickly. The "them and us" mentality was in full force, thanks to the round up of Peter's cronies. The only difference between Shandaken 2009 and Selma, Alabama, circa 1950's? Issue of race and the price of a burger. Republicans and Democrats who support Republicans are considered lower class citizens. Let's not pretend this isn't so, read the papers, my chirrens. You think the Dems aren't smarting from losing Pat Ellison in this election? You think they're gonna let Pat drink from their cup anytime soon? Pat's now got the stink of "red" on her, she will never be accepted back into "her kind" again. Sure, she is still a Democrat...but will they let her join in their reindeer games ever again? Helena says no. Their loss.

So the foil heads are following the path of the bunnies and heading for the Rob Side. The Rob, Jack, Pat, Tom, JoJo and John Side. The John side, you know the bunnies are going there! As soon as the centerfold money dries up! The ex-foilees having removed all hope from their hearts, and are now placing their new found hopes on the shoulders of a new representative. Hoping he does not disappoint them the way their last Messiah did (where's your God now, Moses) and praying for a town in peace, not one in pieces.

Anypoop, Helena plans on siting in front of her computer on election night, sipping gin and watching the results as they come in. Since it is a federal holiday, I'm calling in to work (let the bitches get their own fries for once).

JoJo's been robbed!!!!

Yes, that's right, my beh-behs, I got an e-mail from one of my reporters who tells Helena someone (ahem) went up and down Route 28 last night, stealing JoJo Kalb's signs, even going so far as to step on private property to take these signs! Last I heard, that was theft and trespassing ( in Peter speak, that is "ambition" and "advancement")

Ms. Kalb, I officially declare you the winner. Why else would they go through the trouble of removing your signs if they didn't think you were gonna whop their asses in November.

Oh, how the skanks have fallen.

Now, I've seen Pete-ard's followers do some low handed things, but this is the lowest of low.

Now, while you might think this is just a prank, it's outright theft. Now, let's take a moment and calculate all of the dirty tricks Pete-ard and his cronies have pulled so far:

Repeatedly stalled Declan Feehan's attempts to clean up the Phoenicia Hotel site in an attempt to take the property by eminent domain. Trouble was somebody forgot to tell them you cant take property that way. Time lost and Grants missed out on for this potential commercial sight that could have been bringing income into the town by way of construction jobs. The explanation from Peter was this was about safety for the community. We really know it was about padding the town coffers so funds could be spent on new positions created in town hall. No construction jobs, mind you, just ya know, cushy jobs. Big beefy Construction men, Think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Repeatedly attempted to close down The Hanover Farms and Alyce and Rodger's Fruit Stand with their ill fated farm stand law. A law they still have not followed through with because they know it is flawed beyond fixing. Many jobs would have been lost, not to mention gorgeous and affordable produce that would have been taken from us. This law was trying to place control within town government over what time of year and hours they could operate, and WHAT THEY COULD SELL!? Please, I'm still waiting for Al to stock Stoli for me. Nothing goes with kale and carrots better than Stoli...'cept Grey Goose. I'm just sayin'. Appreciative consumers of lettuce and liquor, Think about that when you pull the lever.

Peter promised cell service for the town. Then he gave the company that had constructed the tower the money held in escrow, roughly thirty thousand dollars,( or 5 billion million Peter-bucks) that was supposed to be held until the contractor found carriers for it, taking away any incentive they had to assist Shandaken in finding anyone willing to go on the ill fated world's largest coat stand. Peter's fix? Sign a petition. Bitch, please! Those still without cell service, standing and watching Verizon rip out the last remaining pay phones along 28, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Contrary to what Pete-ard said at the (hands down a win for Rob) debate, he has NOT answered every FOIA request he has gotten. He still has yet to answer the question about what other companies (he made up in his head) he allegedly called to bid in the reed bed study. People who still believe we live in a free country, Think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Desperate calls were made by both Peter and his Museum Director to the State of NY to attempt to interfere with services run by a community organization that has brought in over 6 million dollars to this community (I know, I know, not exactly what the Museum is bringing in with advanced admission sales, but hey, they get by) and demanded they be shut down. Let's see, how much has Petey brought in (on his own, not counting the grant he just signed for recently that was actually done under the previous administration) to the town? $0.00 ( 14 billion in peter-bucks). All town residents, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Without proper approval from DOT orrrrrrr his fellow board members, Peter used town funds ($1,800 or so) to have a sign placed on Route 28 in Mount Tremper to direct traffic to the apparent Gotham that this area houses. Businesses, lodging, dining, were all touted on this butt-fugly sign. Uhmmm. I know that Ted Byron and Brian Dorr have their landscaping business signs there in front of their homes. And then there is the Post office. Oh, Ken Lovelett has a lovely store (please do go in and check out his patented awesome drums), and oh,, yes, I almost forgot, Tiso's Restaurant. Best Italian home-cooking you'll get up here, 'cept for Helena's Pasta La Vodka.
Want my my recipe?
One bottle of Smirnoff. Shake well.
Drink.
Wait, what was I cooking?
Ah, screw it, order from Tiso's.

So, where was I, oh yea, Tiso's and that's it.

WAIT! I forgot one. Coincidentally, Peter's Restaurant is also there, just before Tiso's. You'll recognize it by the empty lot.

I wonder what happened to that sign? $1,800 seems like alot to have just stuffed into some darkened room, alone and ashamed. Residents who love to eat good Italian food, and those
against wasteful spending of self serving (and illegally placed) signs, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

He promised to keep the flower program running and then when SHARP spent the funds and requested their promised $5,000.00, Peter informed them that he was pulling the flower program ( a decision made on his own, no confab with the other councilmen, then tried to blame the other councilmen when the flowers hit the fan) and refused to reimburse them. The next year when SHARP made a request for funds again, Peter and Co. insisted that SHARP spend the money upfront and show receipts. SHARP said the equivalent of "Fool me once...!" Flowers go bye-bye.
Tough titties, SHARP. SOL my chirrens.
Maybe you can take up a collection and get those really nice plastic flowers, Oh, better yet, I know a place where they sell those wooden flowers with faces painted on them. A conversation piece, for sure. Flower lovers and those opposed to plastic/wooden smiley face flowers, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Peter placed his friends in unnecessary town jobs, which makes them eligible for benefits. They will one day be vested and pull in a pension while most of you suckers drive to Kingston to work for YEARS, wearing out your tires and paying for gas to the point where...nuff said on that. Those of you not listed as the chosen few, think about that when you go to pull the lever (that is, if you have enough gas left in your car to drive to the polls).

Pete-ard promised a senior lunch program, and then proceeded to place the task into Brian Shapiro's very capable lap. In case you don't get it, that is sarcasm. Brian stopped returning phone calls (until election time of course) and Peter was given the idea of a voucher system. He refused to act on it...until this past month. It only took 22 months (velveteen years in Peter time) and we now have a senior lunch program...for two or three months.

Hopefully, if Peter wins again (ouch, I just bit my tongue) it wiw onwy take anower (I bit my tongue bitches, remember?) 22 months for another successful two month lunch program. All you hungry seniors yearning for lunch companionship, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Now, add to this very long list, theft, trespassing, oh, lets not forget plagiarism (because lesser Helena 2.o, or poser as we call her in thenews room, isn't creative enough to write her own material, she just copies and pastes this one, loser).






I won't attack Peter for not having an original thought anymore.
Why, you ask Helena?

Because, of all the people who have ever run for any office in this town, I have never seen anyone of them sink this low. This is a new low for this town, and for that, I'll give Pete-ard full credit. You might argue that he is not out there doing the sign stealing himself. You're correct about that, he is not. However, he condones it. He encourages it, he allows it. Until he sends out a letter condemning the actions, of course, far too little and too late, like he did last time he ran. I've seen many types of people running for office, but never this lowly caliber before (wait, yeah, I did... two years ago, how quickly we forget). Those who want maturity, honesty and competency in office, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Hey, Did Petey boy ever mention which insurance company he decided to go with? After all he put alot of work into pretending he didn't look at the closed bids before that meeting (roll the tape...Doris hands Peter the envelope, Peter replies, "No, I've already seen it, thanks." and passes it on to a stunned Rob) Don't believe me? Watch for yourself.
Gooder Goberment, MY ASS!


The Next Phoenicia Rag headlines...

A drunken Rob freaks out at Debate, killing two audience members. Peter brings them back to life, and saves them $200.00 on their car insurance.

SHARP gives Rob $45,000.00 for a "man cave" and a year's supply of Meister Brau... murder and mayhem ensue at Stanley residence as drunken councilman attacks party-goers. Peter holds candle light vigil for pary sufferers, making said candles from his own batch of mustache wax.

Peter uses his power of "mustache" and feeds the hungry by shaking his 'stache and supplying the needy with loaves of bread from it. Rob steals the bread and makes a sandwich to dip in his Meister Brau which he enjoys in his "man cave".

Now, Finally a quick word about my blog friend, Fanci. True, Fanci has moved,and I support her decision to do so. You go girl! As for me? This bitch ain't goin' anywhere. Bitch isn't makin' me change my totally awesome self because she wants to play poser and continue to plagiarize me. Who wouldn't want to be this fabulous? Really! Who? Keep it up, Bitch! You just keep digging yourself further and further into the grave.
My friend Fanci offers lesser Helena 2.0 love and peace.
Helena (the one and only REAL Helena), only offers to keep holding the nails for your coffin as you continue to dig. Don't worry, I can wait. I'll be here when you're done. Be-otch.

Okay, I've given lesser Helena 2.0 enough to plagiarize tonight, don't want her too busy as Dr Phil has a special on 'secret cutters" followed by a special Oprah who will give away free self help/self love kits to home viewers. and I wouldn't want her to miss either one. Stop hatin', my bitch, start lovin yoself!
Word.
hiccup*