Mark your calendar for 7/15/09

Last Wednesday night, Helena was sitting in her favorite drinking chair, and crying into her pitcher of Alabama Slammers, thinking that she had a whole nuther month to wait until her favorite t.v. show came back on.

But alas, as reported late last week, Helena's favorite show, is having a special showing this Wedsnesday at 3pm. The Town of Shandaken Monthly Meeting show, or as ABC calls it, "lost", will be having a special presentation.

T.V. Guide reports this episode will be about Insurance fraud and Collusion. They also promise some surprises as well, though they were careful not to spill any beans.

I haven't been this excited since Abby Cunningham moved to Seaview Circle on "Knots Landing" back in the day.

Don't miss this episode People! If it isn't broadcast on t.v., well, you'll just have to drive to the "Set" and watch the production for yourself. They might do a dry run early on (it's like a dry hump, only less satisfying, and no after-hump cocktail) so don't be late!!!

I'm already picking out my wardrobe! I wonder, will anyone on the board get an Emmy nod for their performances?

P.S. Remember to byob. They really should let people drink at those meetings don't you think? Everyone would look more attractive (except Rob, the law of intoxication states that objects that are attractive to begin with become less so after 4 ounces of liquor) and maybe everyone would get along...
...unless they just simply have a knock down drag out all hell broke loose frigin' brawl, in which case, that's good too. I loves me some brawls.

the Top ten reasons why Rob Stanley, Jack Jordan, and Pat Ellison will win the election.

10. Because Kathmandu will be caught perpetrating voter fraud by registering facial hairs already registered to vote in another State

9. Peter and Doris will accidentally be removed from the ballot and replaced with Malia and Sasha Obama.

8. Randy Ostrander will declare war on Woodstock, destroying the democratic ticket.

7. Peter Dimodica will challenge Saltpeter DiSclafunny at the caucus, only to find out he is still the most unpopular man in Shandaken

6. Let’s face it, Rob, Jack and Pat are WAYYYYY more attractive than Pete, Doris and…Randy?

5. A reading comprehension test will sideline Peter, and cause him to miss the Democratic caucus

4. The Windowlickerdellas will throw their support behind Peter…subsequently assuring a victory for Rob, Jack and Pat.

3. No one wants to hear Kathy Nolan say “Pete’s doing a great job” for two more years.

2. No one wants to watch Peter give snarky sideways glares, and swing his feet while sitting in his chair for two more years.

And the #1 Reason?

1. Rob, Jack and Pat are simply better suited and will do a better job!

Election Day is just around the corner…Be very afraid.

things and stuff

Life. Everything breaks down into lessons learned. Helena wishes she paid more attention in school to lessons, but she was too busy smoking in the boys room…ah, did I say boy’s room? I meant girls room…Alright, Helena wasn’t above a little creepy-peeking back then, but who wasn’t? Poor Helena got caught smoking in school more often than Saltpeter has been caught in a lie while in office (yes, THAT many times) but I eventually quit after my school principal caught me lighting up, unaware of his presence. His big beautiful purple eyes (did I mention what I was smoking?) staring daggers at me. So, I quit none too soon, as it allowed me to grow to become the voluptuous 6’5” Amazon goddess that I am today. Thank you Mr. School principal. Thank you kindly…and no I won’t join you for a drink after class.

Anypedophile, back to lessons. Some of the basic, yet neccessary lessons Helena learned while growing up can be summed up into the following:

Lesson #1- What is “Honor”

Honor isn’t a name a celebrity gives their new born child. “Apple” and “Citron” are celeb-u-baby names. Honor is a code you follow in life…until you’re elected Stupervisor. After you’re elected Stupervisor, you take honor, along with integrity, ball it up into the size of a hair scrunchy, and throw it out the window.

Lesson #2- Don’t mess with the “Funky cold medina”

For reals- that shit will knock a bitch on her ass. I once had that wonderful fruity peachy concoction and went home with who I thought was a ripped stud. Turned out to be Rip Torn. Eh, he was okay I guess , but, we’re not hosting an intergalactic kegger here (sorry I couldn’t resist a ‘men in black’ reference).

Lesson #3- Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty.

Nuff said on that one. Now, good luck with that jar of olives. Your martini won’t be the same without one.

Lesson #4- Think positively

Smile, and the whole world smiles with you, Cry…and you’ve probably just realized your only friends in the world are Merry vermin (Marryy Herrmmaann) and Kathy(I have an answer for everything because I have a BS in everything) Nolan.

Lesson #5- Every community has the “special people” who are treated with respect to their face, but mocked behind their backs, their sense of self a bit askew.

The Windowlickerdellas are our “special people” and must remain as such otherwise they will serve no purpose and will implode. Let them continue to believe they run the town, for their own safety.

Please commit these lessons to memory, there will be a test later.

-Helena

So... guess who called a super quick meeting for Wednesday

Hey my peeps, hope you had a lovely weekend. Helena did. Helena also had her ear to the grindstone and wanted to share a quick bit of info. Petey and Kat have called a meeting for this Wednesday, because, he says they have to go with Mang (most likely his own insurance broker) because his lazy ass doesn't want to have a sidewalk ordnance. uhm... so this was the lame ass type of excuse he came up with to do what we all knew he would do anyway? Uhm...and he is getting away with it?
No, I don't think so.
You better tell your friends to be there, 3pm Wednesday July 15th to ride his ass (and not in a good way) on this one. This bit of info has a little to do with my story on Saltpeter and his advisor, but this isn't even the tip of the iceberg. Poor bastard doesn't know he is breaking the law in several different ways! God, I hope Saltpeter looks good in prison orange, but those jumpsuits are gonna make him look a bit short and "hippy" around the middle. They confiscate sippy cups at the new "golden hill" facility. Kat will require his own cell, and some wax for stylin' and what-not.

This is gonna be good...wait for it.

I grew up on a golf course. Now, it's not what you think, we didn't belong to a country club, we actually lived on the golf course itself. My Dad had made a some terrible investments that year (Beta recorders where supposed to be here forever, and don't even ask me about the Delorean stock)The thin layer of nylon that was our tent was the only thing protecting a young Helena from rain, wind, and stray golf balls. FORE!

Little Helena learned at a young age that people would be lobbing balls at her the rest of her life, and it has been an all consuming effort to try to learn to balance dodging balls, and being careful not to spill my drink. Even at the tender age of ten, I knew the value of Patrone tequila and a recovered golf ball.
Patrone Tequila- $60.00
golf ball recovered from the swampy pit- $0.10
Not spilling your margarita while fighting off an alligator hell bent
on taking that retrieved ball- Priceless.

I can't smell fresh cut grass without feeling nostalgic about home. I also can't walk by a box of "titleist" balls without pissing myself, but that's due to a freak head injury involving a nine-iron and a caddy named "uri". That's a story for another day, kiddies.

I sit here today, and reflect on my up-bringing, but only because I want to share with you some interesting things I learned growing up. You tend to hear things when you live on a golf course (aside from the crisp whizzzz of a ball or the expletives of golfers missing a swing) and you learn to be still and quiet (mostly because a bitch will cut you if you talk during their back swing) and they will say more around you. Ask any former caddy (or as I call them, any CEO of any corporation in America) and they will tell you stories about how they were there for golf course "deals". Mergers, take-overs, friendly acquisitions, they've heard it all, and I mean all. People tend to say things when they are comfortable. I love to make people comfortable. I'm a people person.

So, why, you might be asking yourself, is Helena waxing golf-stalgic, when much more pressing matters are unfolding in the town that brought us port-a-potties for tourists and twenty dollar pancakes? Well, I'll tell you people, I've been quiet. I've been listening, and I've been learning. I've studied all of our elected officials, their body language, their reactions to people and things, and I've learned each one's tells. Most importantly, I'm watching how they interact with each other, and Helena has noticed a change.

You don't need to get whacked in the head with a golf ball to see how things are unraveling. First, let's dissect the meeting from Monday night, or as I call it, the Town Hall Show (cue the Dick Van Dyke music).

Vin Bernstein made his case against paying for coffee (see my last blog) and having taxpayers pay for it. Well, he goes on to say "Peter, you said last time we had this conversation that you would pay for it yourself, and I have yet to see that happen." OH SNAP! That is what my mom Pearlie would say. Oh Snap, indeed. Vin got some balls now. Titleist I think.

Then there was the matter of the insurance, Snoris thought they should take time to look it over. Saltpeter wanted to push it through. Snoris came close to stating her case again, but backed down, but this was a new move for her. Usually her and Tiny Tim blindly go where Saltpeter leads them. Even Tiny Tim kept questioning things (sometimes not too brightly, but questioning none the less). I see the thread fraying. I love it. I really really love it.

Now, I've also heard two rumors that I am going to verify before I report them to you involving our Stupervisor and one of his advisors. I have someone working on it right now, but prepare to be floored when you hear the news. I want to be sure it's true, NO RUMOR SPREADING HERE KIDDIES, only the truth! It won't take me long either, I'm in the circle of trust, muawwwww!

I want to dedicate this blog to my mom, Pearlie Basket, also known by her hyphenated name, Pearlie Gates-Basket. She taught me everything I know about espionage... and golf ball stew.

Until next time kiddies.

-Helena

A staged Town Hall meeting only Obama would be proud of

This evening, Helena watched the clock eagerly, checking repeatedly to make sure the second hand was not stuck. I had spent the day preparing for the Town of Shandaken Monthly meeting show to begin.

I began with my ritual of waking late, so that I would not be too tired to stay up for the whole show. Tonight's guest stars would be something great, I was sure of it. I made sure to get all of my servings of fruit in by mid-day (thank God Stoli has fruit flavored vodka, I get my recommended daily servings, plus two shots worth every noon) and I practiced adjusting the volume on my remote. Later, I unplugged all the phone lines and sat in my favorite chair, serving of fruit in one glass...er hand, and remote in the other. The anticipation was killing me as I prayed for 7pm to roll around. And when It did, I giggled like the school girl I once was. And so the circus began.

Slowly at first, no big screw ups. But you know my motto kiddies, "Wait for it" and surely it came.

Saltpeter moved for an RFP to be done for the Pine Hill Storm Water Retro-fit.
Good enough.
Then He moved for an RFP for a preliminary design to be done on an MBR system for Phoenicia waste.
When Clerk Lauirlyn Frasier asked what deadline he was going to give, Saltpeter's mustache moved to the left, then the right, and looked around and said, sort of uninterestedly, "Uhmmm, I guess we should have it done within three to four weeks." "For both?" asked Frasier.

"uhmmm, okay, yeah WHY NOT?" He seemed uninterested, maybe because he only has until July 31st to come up with a plan. Now, he is giving more time than that just to have companies bid on the process, so you see kiddies, he is, as one resident keeps reminding us, just playing out the clock. Mike Ricciardell's Will be done.

Realizing what Saltpeter was up to, Charles Frasier asked if Pete got an extension. Saltpeter answered "yes" without showing proof. Just another lie. Mike Riccardella requested a feasibility study be done instead, you know, just for shits and giggles and at no cost to residents. Tick tock tick tock

Later on in the meeting, Gary Gailes asked Peter about the assessment issue with the DEP (okay, the fruit is kicking, so we're back to calling Peter "The Other White Meat ") and Towm replied that it was being worked on. Another member from the audience shouted out, "But you reported in the paper that is was close to a resolution!"
Towm replies, "Well, it is and it isn't." Cue the cricket sounds.
Resident" "Well, can you explain is or isn't?"
Towm: Uhm well it is in that we have a figure we know we would like it to be..." cue even louder crickets.
Apparently this was lost on some audience members. A few chuckles, Towm clutched his hidden sippy cup.
Lost on me is the explanation of how this matter is close to a resolution. I guess if we were to follow Towm's logic, I can honestly report to you right here and now, I'm going to marry George Clooney very soon. I will marry him in that I wish to marry him, so apparelty that makes it so! I LIKE THAT WAY OF THINKING! Towm is Shandaken's own Bill Clinton, "It all depends on what your definition of 'is' is...suckers." Slick, not.

Towm also tried invoking the old "blamestorming" tactic, by saying it was all the lawyer's fault , "the attorney has not provided the data we requested." Yeah right. If that didn't work, we was going to blame Patty Heinz for hiding the documents on him, or Wendy Hoffmeister for holding them over her head so he couldn't reach them.

Oh, before my choice in healthy living and fruit consumption causes my...well, consumption, let me also talk about Mary Herrmann's presentation. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
HAHAHAHHHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH.... aghgh, wait I choked on my liquid fruit. I guess the presentation was to prove Mary actually works in the museum and knows things and stuffs about the area. Her lower New York accent leads me to beleive she has spent many a day walking the woods of our great town ,checking on family history and...... I can't do this, my sides are hurting too much from laughing...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Enough of that.

Back to the rest of the meeting.

Towm states that a new assessor (part time) is needed, to which Kathy Nolan (aka, Batman) asked when the applications for this position are due. Again, Towm's mustache squiggled to and fro whilst he tried to decide when they should be due by. Some such date was pulled out of his ass, I lost interest at that point as I knew what was about to happen next. Kathy quickly turned, swinging her cape, as she ran out of the meeting hall, no doubt to procure an application. Shandaken, meet your new assessor. And God help you if you've pissed her off, your assessment is about to go sky high! "Oh, is that a new garbage can in your driveway?hmmm, you're living large, huh? Re-val for you!"

Well, now for the only interesting part of the meeting. Dick Fickledella gets up (someone neglected to tell him to show up in his burkha) and begins to work on what we all have been saying are the two issues that Towm is going to try to get re-elected on: The Pheonicia Hotel and the demonization of SHARP, or more pointedly, current director, Buffy "what the fuck am I doing in this shit hole town" Kibe.

First, Dickless askes Towm what the status is of the Hotel. "It is in litigation" was the answer I believe he gave. Mr. Dickless is so very concerned for the safety of tourists ( by the way I heard two people mention that tourism is the only industry our town needs, one being Mary Vermin, funny how she is against it one week, for it the next, if it means a job for her) and residents.
Yeah, Pete agreed, and this was in no way a set up like the town hall meetings that Obama has been staging. Just so you know, Pete had no idea that Dickless would get up and say what he said.
Now, as far as the Hotel issue goes, this was a monster created by the Town Board. Every time Declan tries to clean it up, they shut him down. Dickless and his brother, are the proverbial big fish in a little pond, neither one would survive outside of Shandaken and they know it, which is sad.
Not sad in a way that makes Helena cry or anything, just sad because in this town, they are the "big guys", and if you remove them, they are like the window licker children on those special buses that take them on field trips to places like a sewer plant and the Shandaken Museum. Yes, that kind of sad. Shandaken is their strength, and other than Shandaken is their Achilles' heel.

Next, Dickless asks (totally out of the blue, not rehearsed or anything, okay, and Towm knew nothing of it) about the hanging brackets for the flowers. "Where are they Peter?"

Towm: Buffy has...
Buffy Kibe: I have them
Dickless: (being sure not to make eye contact with Buffy as her very stare wills cause him to burst into flames) Well, doesn't the town own them.
Towm: Yes
Buffy: No, you don't. much in the way that you do not own the flags that go on the vet's graves that you donate to. You made a donation.
Dickless: What about the business owner, don't they own them (again, looking at Peter, feeling the heat coming from his immediate left)
Peter: Cue cricket sounds
Buffy: No you don't.
Diskless, Well we wanted to do our own flower thing and we couldn't because she has the hangers, this is bull..
Buffy: who wanted to do the flowers Rick?
Dickless: The Phoenicia businessmen.
Buffy: you could have come to me.
Dickless: I don't think we should have to come to you, why should we come to you!?
Buffy: Because I have the hangers Rick...

That bitch was ON tonight, ON, I'm telling you!
Dickless found himself in a battle of wits that he had no ammunition for.

Laughter broke out, Dickless got mad, and continued his tirade some more. My question is, why are they trying to use Buffy as a weapon in this election? Why are Rick, Mike, Mary and Kathy working feverishly to get rid of this person (in case you did not hear, Mary called the State and told them Buffy refuses to help anyone who is NOT a Republican, among other things- gee where does she find the time to look up everyone's affiliation that walks through the door? I better be careful not to ask her for help, I'm in the "Working families" party) ? What does she have on them? What possible trouble can she cause for them?

Hmmm. lets see, she promotes economic development. check. (competition for the worldly window lickerdella's)

More fireworks took place between the two. Dickless claimed he knew nothing about the flower program being canceled. However, Helena reviewed her transcripts from the meeting in January, where Peter said he would not fund the flowers, and Dickless Windowlickerdella can be heard bellowing "Good!"

So, it appears that Dickless forgot that nugget of info, which is bound to happen when you have, on average, seven massive strokes a day carting around that girth of his. I also wonder if maybe he is trying to get Buffy fired because he would like his wife in that position. Not that she would be qualified for it, mind you, but I understand she would work for cheap (a fifth of J&B and some lottery tickets). But if they are paying in booze, Helena is first in line for that bitch! I'll do it for two shots of Cuervo and a $10.00 gift card to the Thrift store. Bitch is mine!

Well the one surprise event for the evening was the insurance issue. Towm seemed to press the matter and when Snoris (dressed in a loverly salmon colored shirt that sinched at the waist and had no visible fuzzballs) asked that they table it, Towm, swinging his feet back and forth (they don't reach the floor, hand to God I'm not lyin') and insisted with a grin and twinkle in his eye that it needed to be done.

Well, Petey boy saved us some money and in the process, choose to stay with the tried and true broker we already have and not the one that brokers his own business. However, the 30 to 40 thousand dollars in savings he promised was not exactly on the mark. Instead we saved around nine thousand dollars, a farrrrr cry from the touted amount he promised when he thought we would all just trust him and not question his judgment. So expect the headlines in the Phoenicia rag to read something like this:

"Supervisor saves town 4 million on insurance policy" and "SHARP steals hangers from the Town and flags from veteran's graves"

You think Helena's kidding? Wait for it

Monday Night's TOS board Meeting Resolutions

I hope everyone enjoyed their Fourth, and took the time to thank a vet (veteran, not your dog's holistic healer) for their service to our (once) great nation. Helena enjoyed a day of basking in the heat of Hades and roasting marshmallows covered in brandy. Oh the flames were soooo high. So was Helena. I then tried to make my own version of smores using ritz crackers, carob drops, and french milled soap. Did I mention the brandy? There was plenty of it.

Anydrink, on to more pressing matters my minion(s)...

Well Kiddies, Monday, July 6th Town of Shandaken meeting is sure to be full of fireworks. Helena is privy to some of the resolutions being offered up, which have not yet made the Town's website. Here they are for you to peruse and enjoy.

P.S. Welcome back my Fanci friend, you've returned in rare form and you seem ready to take on all things Shandakeny.

Resolution #07-01-09
Offered up by Councilmanish Snoris Bartlett:

Resolution to change meeting hours to noon-ish, as it would benefit all those who don't work, sleep late, but don't want to be out too late, lest they miss an episode of their favorite radio program on NPR (yup, you know the ones, they don't have t.v 'cause it rots the brain).

Resolution #07-02-09
Offered up by Supersilly DiSclafunny:

Resolution to extend the term of Supervisor to ...ad infinitum. Should be interesting to see who seconds this one.

Resolution #07-03-09
Offered up by Councilman Malloy:

Resolution to allow children to play in the streets with balls. Will most likely be seconded by DiSclafunny as he wishes to steal the balls and use them in his evil plot of town domination.

Resolution #07-04-09
Offered up by Snoris the Boris Barlett:

Resolution to allow councilmen the opportunity for napping during the meeting process. Also it will require all councilmen to wear big fuzz-ball riddled sweaters with belts that are lopsided.

Resolution #07-05=09
Offered up by Councildick Vincenzo Bernstupid:

Resolution to impose a coffee break tax in Shandaken. In an effort to tighten the belt, all workers, governmental or other, may be taxed a percentage of their pay for coffee breaks taken. If workers choose not to take a coffee break, choose not to drink coffee, or hate the smell of it, will be charged an additional attitude tax. In addition, all residents who choose to drink coffee on their own property will be required to obtain a permit to do so. Any contractors caught drinking coffee on private property of homes they are working on, and the homeowner does not have the proper displayed permit visible, will be fined $20.00 per cup (travel mugs will be extra) and will be stripped of their nail guns.

Resolution #07-06-09
Offered by Snorasaurus Barflett:

Resolution imposing a new pet tax.
Dogs 0-5 lbs. $80.00 per year, plus proof of shots and likability.
Dogs 6-15 lbs., $120.00 per year, etc.
Dogs 16-50 lbs. $150.00 plus a coupon from Hoffman car wash for free air freshner.
Dogs 51-100 lbs. Damn! Put poochie on a diet. Unless he or she is a great dane or a line backer for the NY Giants, get that dog walking!
Ugly dogs will be taxed according to their fuglyness index.
Cats will be taxed because they are bitchy. $500.00 to anyone with the audacity to own one in a Peter/Snoris owned town!

Resolution #07-07-09
Offered up by Councilman Stanley:

Resolution to impose an unattractive tax. At least two town board members will pay dearly on this one! All not so pretty (fugly as the day is long) residents will be taxed according to their place on the same fuglyness index that will be used for dogs. Unless the fuglies are wiling to wear burkhas, then the taxes will be waved. This is an effort to make the town look a little prettier.

Okay my lovelies, that was all that the site had for now, be sure to either attend the meeting or watch from the safety of your home. But for the love of God, don't brew that coffee unless you have the proper paperwork in place! And if you're one of the fugly fellows (and I mean anyone with the last name that sounds like Fickledella) please stay home, draw your shades, and never curse us with your presence again.

-Helena