things and stuff

Life. Everything breaks down into lessons learned. Helena wishes she paid more attention in school to lessons, but she was too busy smoking in the boys room…ah, did I say boy’s room? I meant girls room…Alright, Helena wasn’t above a little creepy-peeking back then, but who wasn’t? Poor Helena got caught smoking in school more often than Saltpeter has been caught in a lie while in office (yes, THAT many times) but I eventually quit after my school principal caught me lighting up, unaware of his presence. His big beautiful purple eyes (did I mention what I was smoking?) staring daggers at me. So, I quit none too soon, as it allowed me to grow to become the voluptuous 6’5” Amazon goddess that I am today. Thank you Mr. School principal. Thank you kindly…and no I won’t join you for a drink after class.

Anypedophile, back to lessons. Some of the basic, yet neccessary lessons Helena learned while growing up can be summed up into the following:

Lesson #1- What is “Honor”

Honor isn’t a name a celebrity gives their new born child. “Apple” and “Citron” are celeb-u-baby names. Honor is a code you follow in life…until you’re elected Stupervisor. After you’re elected Stupervisor, you take honor, along with integrity, ball it up into the size of a hair scrunchy, and throw it out the window.

Lesson #2- Don’t mess with the “Funky cold medina”

For reals- that shit will knock a bitch on her ass. I once had that wonderful fruity peachy concoction and went home with who I thought was a ripped stud. Turned out to be Rip Torn. Eh, he was okay I guess , but, we’re not hosting an intergalactic kegger here (sorry I couldn’t resist a ‘men in black’ reference).

Lesson #3- Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty.

Nuff said on that one. Now, good luck with that jar of olives. Your martini won’t be the same without one.

Lesson #4- Think positively

Smile, and the whole world smiles with you, Cry…and you’ve probably just realized your only friends in the world are Merry vermin (Marryy Herrmmaann) and Kathy(I have an answer for everything because I have a BS in everything) Nolan.

Lesson #5- Every community has the “special people” who are treated with respect to their face, but mocked behind their backs, their sense of self a bit askew.

The Windowlickerdellas are our “special people” and must remain as such otherwise they will serve no purpose and will implode. Let them continue to believe they run the town, for their own safety.

Please commit these lessons to memory, there will be a test later.

-Helena