Who's your Superman

With the election quickly approaching and the plague that is the DiSclafunny administration coming to a close I thought it wise to sit down with a bottle of Courvoisier, and go over the list of attributes and deficits of the candidates. It was enlightening. Please…enjoy.

Councilmen Candidates

Jack Jordon

Employment: Former school administrator, part time ski instructor, semi-retired.

Marital Status: Happily married

Attributes: Jack has been on the scene locally watching the travesty unfold before our eyes. Jack’s background in administration on a large scale more than qualifies him for the day to day administration of a small town. Jack knows his way around a FOIL request and is not afraid to ask the tough questions over and over again, even when he knows he isn’t going to get an answer. He and his wife are active in local civic events and enjoy outdoor activities when time allows. Jack has taken the time to study town law. Jack has pretty blue eyes. Come on, like you never noticed, Bitches!

Deficits: Jack is not as well known as some of the other candidates. He needs to get out more in the public eye and not just at board meetings. Unless he brings a cream pie to each meeting and threatens to throw it at Peter! People would remember that!

Superpower: Has the ability to get under Pete’s skin, and cause his mustache to twitch uncontrollably. Also has above average intelligence.

Pat Ellison

Employment: Currently a practicing attorney. Well, she is beyond practice at this point, she probably has it all down-pat by now.

Marital Status: Single and LOVING it! Girlfriend is one bitchin’ catch for any upwardly mobile professional, mentally stable man.

Attributes: Her knowledge of Law can be a benefit in keeping the town from its current trend of a continued ability to rack up legal fees and place them on the shoulders of the tax payers. Pat is a resident of Phoenicia and has been active in the community for some time. A former member and officer of the Shandaken Democratic Club, she takes a common sense approach to all issues in the town. Which is why she is seeking an endorsement from parties other than her much loved but misunderstood Democratic Party. Locally, extremists have infiltrated and disrupted the calm and order of the once noble local party and have replaced it with vitriolic “nimbiciles “, pushing out the sane member s of the party. Their stance of “Not in my new neighborhood that I bought into” attitude has made people like Pat realize that all residents, regardless of party affiliations, must work together to rid the town of the evil forces that have swept us up. God, I hope her car is one of those transformers thingies and will turn into an idiot detector/dispatcher.

Deficits: Just as Jack, Pat is still not well known. Leave it to classy calm people to not get noticed. Pat needs to speak up more at town board meetings. She too, should bring a cream pie.

Superpower: Her way above average intelligence is a threat to 4 out of 5 board members and her presence alone at the monthly meetings sends chills down Snoris’ backside. She also has the ability to have great hair everyday of the week. Let me see a mere mortal female do that!

Doris Bartlett (Snoris Barflett)

Employment: Part time Councilman, part time tax preparer, part time party girl (you know it, don’t pretend! Doris and I once downed a bottle of JD together and spent the night prank calling Maurice Hinchey and requesting federal funds to start a summer camp for disabled feline youth.)

Marital Status: Widowed. No joke here, nothing funny about losin’ your ‘boo.

Attributes: She doesn’t say mean things to people’s faces, only when they have turned their backs and are out of ear shot she talks shit about them. That is some new kinds of classy. She doesn’t cause meetings to go on and on and on. She brings candy and liquor to meetings, but she doesn’t’ share, so that is only a halftribute.

Deficits: She listens to Kathy Nolan, Mary Herrmann, Peter DiModica, Pater DiSclafuggly, doesn’t actively participate in open discussion, doesn’t know or, attempt to learn, town law, doesn’t share her liquor with others at meetings (you know that pisses Helena off more than anything), votes on an agenda and not what is best for ALL residents.

Superpower: Can thrust a knife in someone’s back without batting an eyelash, all while cracking a cool-ass smile. Watch out mommies and poppies, she will cut a bitch for sure!

Supervisor Candidates

Peter DiSclafani (Saltpeter DiSclafunny, Discflafuggly, Towm, Idiot, and so on)

Employment: co-owns an unsuccessful restaurant with his ball and chain. Works part time as a puppet who poses at a Supervisor.

Marital Status: See above. Also married to the idea that the perfect mustache wax makes all the difference in the world.

Attributes:

Check back later please.

Deficits: Oh God! How long do you have? More importantly, how much liquor do I have left in the cabinet. Hey… are you still trying to think of an attribute? Get over it, stop it, I tried, it won’t work.

-Lied about his stance on the sewer from the beginning,

-twice attempted to pass an illegal farm stand law,

-passed a debris law targeting a specific property in an attempt to confiscate said property so that Bike Windowlickerdella won’t have any future competition for his crappy mexi-talian restaurant,

-held illegal meetings in town hall while under the guise of running an open and honest government

-refused to follow proper procedures when hiring a firm for a reed bed study that the DEP would not ever approve (according to a letter dated back in 2003) and spent over twelve thousand for the study, which did not address key concerns for the DEP and when requested to address said concerns, the firm tried to squeeze more money out of the town to do what they were supposed to do in the first place.

-lied about procedure time and again during the sewer/reed bed issues

-refused to answer the FOIL requests for information regarding the reed bed issue

Oh wait, an attribute of Peter’s is…he’s not Peter Dimodica. THERE! Okay, back to deficits:

-defeated a much needed sewer for the town of Phoenicia

-defeated the flowers in Phoenicia (they weren’t really putting up much of a fight, you know those pansies, they wilt at the drop of a hat).

-defeated clean drinking water in a fully functioning facility in Phoenicia by refusing to accept the EFC’s reopening of the original grant to finish the work needed to be done as it would save the taxpayers money (?) and leave more funds in the coffers for legal fees from the legal battles he has caused.

-Listens to Kathy Nolan’s advice

-Is friends with Mary Herrmann

-Is the victim of an evil mustache that is hell bent on town domination

-illegally purchased a sign to direct business to his restaurant using town funds meant for flowers and possibly senior lunches

-Attempted to force the secretary of the Planning Board to resign, and told everyone she was quitting, so that his friend could have the job.

-Hired his friend Mary Herrmann as museum director. Mary also works for him at his wildly unsuccessful restaurant as a waitress/biker translator

-called the DHCR and claimed that SHARP refused to help Declan Feehan with the Hotel issue

-Had Mary Herrmann call the DHCR in an attempt to have SHARP’s Director fired.

-Is attempting to have the town switch to his own insurance broker in an obvious attempt to get himself a break on his own personal policies.

-The Ferrandino issue- yup, paid the guy for a report he already did and was paid for three years earlier. Double dipping is usually frowned upon, except in the porn industry (there it is a requirement).

-Attempted to muscle his way into the Shandaken Day planning by removing Rob as chairman, in an attempt to distance Rob from the successful yearly event that he and June LaMarca, along with a group of volunteers, put together.

-Shows up on the day of popular events, and makes it look like he actually has a hand in the coordination of it.

-sent out a newsletter telling everyone about all he has done, and when dissected, the newsletter winds up saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

-Claimed to be close to a resolution with NYC over the assessment issue. When pressed at a Public meeting about the issue, Peter admitted he was no further along with it than when he first took office.

-Lied about not peeking at the closed bids for the insurance when at the monthly meeting he disclosed he did not need to see the papers right there and then, as he had “already seen them.”

Jesus, I know there is much much more, but my head is spinning from the deficits! Or is it the ‘Goldschlager’? I ran out of the Courvoisier around “listens to Kathy Nolan’s advice.”

Superpower: Has the ability to break the law, be called on it, but still do it again and again. His ability to never learn from his mistakes is astounding.

Rob Stanley (No nickname yet hmm, Helena is sad)

Employment: Plumber by day (and night) and councilman by night (and day)

Marital Status: Single and kickin’ it playah style (don’t tell his girlfriend, and don’t try to lay a hand on him either, she will cut you sideways, bitches!)

Attributes: He is “manpretty”. Don’t act like you don’t notice. His eyes are as blue as…well, as blue as Jack’s, frankly. Wait, they’re as blue as a bottle of Bombay Sapphire. Yes, Helena likes, she likes a lot. Bombay, that is, don’t get me in trouble with his lady friend. Anyhornydrunk, Rob is smart, and is unique on that board in that he actually reads the town law, studies it, you know, like it might come in handy one day. He also attends the courses given by the associations of towns (something Saltpeter has never done) in case he needs to know something about proper procedure or some other stuff that might come up and would benefit the town to have at least one elected official know shit from shine-ola (I once ate shine-ola on a dare. Tastes like chicken). He is the most experienced person on the board right now and the most knowledgeable. On any given day, you will find Rob at his regular job, and in between jobs, he is doing councilman things. He addresses issues on a daily basis. He knows where the recreation balls are kept. Because he is active in Rec., get your mind out of the gutter! He knows where all the water lines are, can fix a leak, can recite Shakespeare, knows about tertiary treatment systems, can probably spell tertiary too. Puts together the Shandaken Day events with lots of help. Works tirelessly on all town issues. Has no evil mustache guiding him. Doesn’t take credit for shit other bitches do. Keeps his cool under pressure (and sitting next to Peter that is no small accomplishment, Bitch would be dead already if Helena sat where Robby sits) Assists with Grant writing, contributes to numerous committees. Accomplishes things instead of working at breaking down the system of cooperation like his nemesis.

Superpower: He might be Superman, I’ve never seen them both in the same place at the same time, and would you be able to recognize Rob without his baseball cap? Didn’t think so. Clark Kent, table for one?

So, have I given you enough to chew on?