Vote row A?

Debate a success for DiSclafani, everyone else chokes...

Hand to God, that will be the Phoenicia Rag's headline. But, in reality, our current "burden" otherwise known as TOWM, Tardo, etc. was not impressive at all.

But Helena is jumping ahead of herself. First, let's get to the first chuckles. They came as the candidates introduced themselves, and we in the home audience got to do shots each time someone stated a hypocritical statement when describing themselves. Helena was wasted by the time Petey finished his introduction.

First to do this was Mr. Sclafluffy himself, who began the evening with a bouquet of lies, to keep in step with the whole theme of his administration and current campaign.
During the forty seven hours (purple-three days in Peter time), Mr. Sclafluffy went on to extol the virtues of his long career in the pretend town administration industry. He talked about all that he had planned to accomplish, if only given another chance and a new coloring book. Perhaps if someone chips in for a magna doodle, he will be encouraged to actually do something this time around.




Then, our favorite sleeping beauty, Snoris Barflett, went on to describe herself as a volunteer who loves to...volunteer. It is a big part of her life, and then said that she saw her position on the town board as just another facet of her volunteerism...

HUH?

Wasn't this the bitch that was the only board member to vote no on the issue of keeping town board pay the same for now? She wanted a raise to feed all of her ferrel cats.

Yeah, volunteer my ass! She only volunteers for special interest groups that agree with her agenda (i.e. nimbosylian)


Randi Ostrander said something about how he rode in on some Belgian waffles. He also brought Belgian waffles, but I did not see him share them with anyone. Barbara Redbarnstormer really wanted Randy's waffles. She too, by the way, is a great volunteer. Not on anything important, just in the same special interest groups that Snoris is involved in.




Jack Jordan Had some great views on cost cutting for the taxpayers, I hope my beh-behs were paying attention to that. Pat Ellison was excellent with her answers, and her lack of fear of the issues, even bringing up the dreaded "s" word (nooooo, not that one, the other one, sewer) and explaining that Shandaken was basically still in medieval times when it came to infrastructure.

Now, town justices, it's simple. Tom Crucet for sure, Helena liked his tie, so for that alone, he gets extra marks. He is well spoken and has done a good job. Charlie Frasier, while seeming a bit uncomfortable at first, quickly relaxed and did a good job going head to head on the issues. Those other two gents, Miranda and Brown, eh. Miranda looks like the used car salesman that sold Helena her Yugo in 1987. And he looks like the used car salesman who sold Helena her 1975 pacer...in 2008. Don't judge me! Brown, well she seems nice, but working in the mental health field does not a judge make.
Wait, actually, being a mental health professional could work in your favor when dealing with issues in Shandaken.

Highway guys Eric and Keith were there. Nothing exciting happened in their questioning, 'cept Keith made a funny when he said, "I used to be the Superintendent, but that was interrupted by an election." Bitch got mucho points for that!

Assessors. Now, you have to admit, this was an obvious win for John Horn and Joann Kalb. Come on. When the questions of qualifications came up, John blew 'em away. He was king of a Westchester Village for many years, and was the go-to guy for assessor issues in the same kingdom. Joann also had impressive credentials, not to mention, nice clothes and hair. She happens to volunteer with real community organizations, not the "special kind" like Snoris and Barb. But that shouldn't give her brownie points, not when her other competition is ...dadadaaaaa.
A photographer.

So, this Sietz lady says she could be an assessor, even if she has no clue how the formula for assessing goes, because she can take really neat pictures of the houses.

Thanks. Really, thanks a lot for the picture abilities. I was just saying the other day how our troubles within the assessors office could all be solved if only we had a professional photographer in that office. Done!

Peter DiMoldy, after John horn mentions that one bitch is assessed at 31% while another bitch is assessed at 12%, goes on to say how he's been working in the assessors office for twelve minutes and he proclaimed it to be super efficient. Never mind the data cards are marked in pencil and date back to the 18th century. All is right with the assessors office and rest assured Peter knows how to screw you out of your property so he can claim it for the town or Zen Monastery and turn it into a thinking spot for the brain trust he is involved in. The Zen Monastery needs more room for the new dance/photography/puppet therapy studio they want to build anyway.

Now, on to Rob Stanley who had a little disturbing information to share with everyone. Seems someone is messin' with his beh-behs. Now, Helena may not have any kids (odd since I was raised Gosselin) but I know that you don't mess with a mama and daddy bear's cubs. That's just not cool. But this only means one thing, again it is painfully apparent that these bitches have nothing to run on, and they are scared of Rob and his superpower abilities to actually get things done...

Which is what Rob went on to say. "Ask yourselves what were the promises made by Peter and what has he done?" Do we have cell service? Do we have a sewer system for Phoenicia? Do we have anything? Nope. Rob seems to be just as tired as everyone else of this bitch's false promises. He nailed Peter on several issues including his lack of accountability. He made no promises other than that he would be available to people who need him. I believe it. He drives around in a very identifiable truck. Bitches are gonna find him everywhere!

Peter starts with, "As CFO, it is my responsibility to take care of the money and I've cut our taxes..." really? You weren't cuttin' shit until you got called on the carpet for your free spending, "lets all take increases this year, recession be damned" ways. And aren't you the CFO who, last winter couldn't explain why our taxes went up, throwing the blame onto the accountants and your secretary, saying we should probably hire new accountants? Yeah, lets hire accountants who do your "rough math" so everyone can get a 40% pay raise next year. 40% in peter math is 73 peach cobblers with his kid cuisine.

After Rob takes him to task for lack of cell service, Peter begins his statement with "First of all, I never did say I'd get you cell service."

Uhm...yeah, ya did. Buttttt, remember chillens, if he says it, and then says he didn't...nuff said. Bitch has got a learnin' curve.

Rob shined on issues with youth, infrastructure, cutting taxes, and making life better for citizens

Peter shined on issues of alien abduction, cow mutilation, and coffee cakes versus apple pie.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and the Phoenicia Rag hosted this debate. The Phoenicia Rag's own Brian "I cough therefore I am" Powers and Paul "not so" Smart managed to have things run smoothly enough, though at times I could see the desire in Paul's eyes for the whole thing to break down into a three ring circus, makes for better false reporting.

Ahh, too bad.

Tune in Oct. 17th, 1:00pm. to the debate

The spin-off to Helena's favorite tv show is premiering tomorrow. Of course, it is a one time only show, but it will be exciting none the less. May I suggest a wine to go with your viewing?

This will prove to be a collectors item, I hope they sell copies of this one. There are already talks of an Emmy nod for several of the participants.

I'm pulling out my tiara and ball gown for this one. I'm chilling the Moet and praying no freak snow Storm keeps me from my favorite tv characters. Please, oh Please, 70's spicy God, let it rain crystal tears and not snow!

Tune in tomorrow and support your candidates! Whoever those bitches might be! You already know who my bitches are, my beh-behs!


Don't forget to throw your support to Charlie Frasier for Town Justice (pictured here). Charlie, along with incumbent Tom Crucet, will make a fine addition to Town Government.

News Bulletin...Breaking story in Shandaken

Helena has just learned that Supervisor DiSclafluffy and Councilwoman Snoris Barflett have apparently been unintentionally lifted into the air in a homemade hot air balloon during what was supposed to be a campaign photo op. My sources tell me that the two where lured to the "craft " with kibble and crayons. However, both were told not to touch the controls, but...well, kids will be kids. I'll keep you posted as I have a news helicopter following the balloon now. And by "news helicopter"I mean "a guy with a station wagon and a bottle of grey goose.

UPDATE 3:27 PM: The balloon has landed but no signs of the Stupervisor or Counciltard are in it.

UPDATE 4:55PM: Snoris was found napping on the third floor of town hall. Still no sign of DiSclafluffy.

UPDATE 5:13PM: Pete-ard was found clinging to the World's largest Coat Stand. Emergency Rescue workers are working right now to free him. He is clinging to something that looks like crib notes for tomorrow's debate. Oh the poor bastard! Let go of them, for the love of 70's spicy God, LET GO!!!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence

Aye, Mommies and Poppies, I was just notified by my Friend Fanci's site that we's been robbed! But seriously...you gotta laugh.

If you remember my chillens, I told you this was going to happen any minute, what with my favorite show in hiatus until next season (after 'lection). The attacks on innocent peeps would start because...what else was the dark side going to do? Not like they could actually devote a blog site to the things Tardo's administration has accomplished as he hasn't accomplished anything 'cept giving jobs to unqualified friends and playing with his 'stache during meetings.

Apparently two sites have pooped up with addresses close to this one and Fanci's. While Fanci listed the addresses on her site, Helena decided after a swig of Absolute, that she would not list the addresses, for two reasons:
1. These blogs are not creative enough for my beh-behs to be subjected to (unless you like looking at train wrecks, and if you is one of my beh-behs, you do) as they are simply copies of this site and the other, almost word for word, even highjacking my comments too! Sad, frowny face. They aren't even talented enough to make up witty comments, only snarky ones.

2. Because they simply attack the candidates without facts and use photoshopped pics of beautiful blue-eyed men and put them on drag queen bodies.
Side note: Jack, you look marvelous in pink! And Rob, I think the new blogger is jealous because you're a much prettier woman than she will ever be. Not enough bleach can cover up that mustache of hers. Luckily it is going gray quickly. See I can search the interweb 2


As for Jojo, Pat, John, and anyone else harmed during the making of the other awful, untalented hack sites, you keep it up. Apparently they are so very frightened of little old you. You got 'em on the run my beh-behs.

As for the non-public figures they attack, well, you hold your heads up my bitches, as at least you have not sunk so low as to fling poo like some people. You most likely have also been able to hold down a regular job for more than a year at a time without being taken away in handcuffs for stealing (twice) Have you seen my museum lately? and you most likely never had a drug problem, aaaannd you most likely never had your kids (or a relative's kids) taken away from you, and you've probably never been publicly intoxicated and made a jack ass out of yourself vomiting all over the parking lot of the Sportsman's, peeing your pants in the process. I'm just sayin'. Maybe you have, I don't know. Just sayin'.

Would have been nice if these new sites were put up to go over the issues. Where are the issues, bitches?

Too bad! I was looking forward to intelligent banter, instead, the new sites give us re-hash. Stick with the originals my chillens!

And now a word from 70's Spicy God and his son, baby Jesus:

My awesomely groovy babies,

It has come to my attention that I, your loving and righteous God, owe you an apology for the following:

-Limburger cheese
-EZ Pass lanes that fail to work properly
-Catskill Heritage Alliance and all those involved in it
-Velcro (for obvious reasons, me damnit, Johnny, learn to tie your shoe laces!)

Listen up to what it is babies, the man is speakin' and you can dig this, make sure you know you have the power to bring change to your town. Time to pack the circus clowns back in their VW Bug, and make sure that Rob, Jack, Pat, Jojo, and John take their rightful place in town hall this November. As for Highway guy, it's all good because I'm not going to give you snow this year, instead I'm working on a new form of weather for winter. Instead of snow falling, the tears of Pete, Merry, Ms. Knownothing, other Pete, et. al., will be gathered after their defeat, and I will turn them into crystals, and hang them from the stars at night. Global warming (haha, yeah, I know) will make it possible.

Catch you on the flip side.

70's Spicy God
(the "Man" fo' sho!)

Stealth Absence...the new wave of town management?

Helena is working diligently at keeping her good friend and source of entertainment, Pete-ard, front and center in the limelight. I think I'm not ready to let go just yet.

Because of this, I decided to write about a little known accomplishment that several Supervisors have employed over the years, a little technique known as Stealth Absence.

Stealth Absence is achieved when a Supervisor's lack of presence in Town Hall actually contributes to more work being accomplished. Both Wayne Guttmann and Peter DiSclafluffy have successfully employed this technique, which is only taught in darkened bar rooms and secret society halls around the country.

Evidence of the technique in action is seen at town board meetings as the Supervisor sits, not really knowing what is going on around him while things are voted on and questions from the audience are answered by other town representatives.

Chaos and frustration are unfortunate side effects of this technique. However, an easy remedy is to vote in a new Supervisor and hope the next one employes the Quick to think on their feet technique.

New Campaign Ad using random people

Helena discovered the original ad that was supposed to run last week, but was pulled at the last minute as it was discovered someone let TOWM write the ad himself. Here is a copy.



Hi! How are you? I am fine. I am Peter, and I approved this ad. Because I'm running to get re-elected at my job. I work in the Town Hall a bunch of days this year. I am seventeen + thirty four years old. Here is a vast list of my accomplishments (as per my friends list) in my two short years in office.

-For two years now, I've used words like "amorphous", and "esoteric". Pretty soon I'll use "tangible".

-I'm currently taking advantage of NASA technology to assist in getting a cell provider for Shandaken, using the interweb to inform Verizon and others that we've built it, they can now come! Please please sign on to the petition, and feel free to continue to use anonymous as this is still the most popular name so far!

-I stopped economic progress DEAD in it's tracks and I promise if that monster stirs again, I'll cut it down! No change is good change.

-I've managed to put most of my friends into town jobs, and if re-elected, I promise to have all of them employed by the town before March of 2010.

End of accomplishments.

Below is my friend Tony, we gone to school together and he promised to vote for me if he ever lived in Shandaken but he does not. He lives over the town line in Colorado, in a pretty house with birds and flowers and a dog named Sherman, who likes to chase cats and eats peanut butter cake. Tony's wife makes wigs for gerbils undergoing chemo treatments.Oh, I just remembered another accomplishment! Wait, this is my grocery list. Never mind.

The end.



Yes, my chillen's. It scared me too.