Happy New Year, my bitches

Helena is sorry for not writing for a few days, but as you might imagine, the holidays keep me busy, what with all the parties, the food, the drinks. This year, I decided to give myself a present, and after our annual Aruba trip, I took a little vacation on my own. You know, a little me time (i.e. a place where I don't have to share my booze), to unwind from a busy year of blogging and bitching.

So, I headed for the Port Authority and took the last train to the land of misfit toys. It was marvelous! Of course I took some toys home, I still have a few people to give gifts to and
let's face it, nothing says you don't belong in this town, like a toy that even Santa wouldn't hand out.
I know someone special who will be getting a raggedy- ass "Raggedy Ann" knock off dolly. There is also a special little boy who will be getting the cowboy who rides an ostrich.

The train with the square wheels I'm saving for myself. It reminds me of how things have moved along in this town. Until now that is.

Helena has great hope and great expectations for the coming year. I think we will see some positive changes (except for the ritualistic rantings that will continue from the peanut gallery) and perhaps some progress will finally find its way to Shandaken. And maybe, just maybe we will no longer be looked upon as the "Hooterville" of upstate New York. Well, a few residents will have to leave town for that to happen, and that ain't gonna happen my chirrens.

So, to all my lovelies, I thank you for a wonderful ride, and to you all, I wish you the

HAPPIEST OF NEW YEARS

Now, I have a column to write, so see you in the funny pages!

Santa Baby

With Christmas eve only a few days away, and Mr. Weaver and I planning our annual Xmas getaway to Aruba, Helena thought she had better put down the Absinthe and pen a poem for her beh-behs before she plants her ass on an Air-Aruba flying air bus...

But then She remembered after the Absinthe fog wore off, this bitch hates to write poems.
Oh Hell, anything for my beh-behs!

The twelve days of Christmas Non denominational Holiday

By Helena Handbasket- Weaver

On the first day of Christmas Non denominational Holiday

My true love gave to me, a sewer to bring economic development

On the second day of Christmas Non denominational Holiday

My true love gave to me, two shots of Cabo and a sewer to bring economic development

On the third day of Christmas Non denominational Holiday

My true love gave to me, three flasks of Benedictine, two shots of Cabo, and a sewer to bring economic development.

On the fourth day of Christmas Non denominational Holiday

My true love gave to me, four liters of Captain Morgan rum, three flasks of Benedictine, two shots of Cabo, and a sewer to bring ergonomic diverpiment

On the fifth day of Hannukkkkk, Chankahola, Christmas Non denominational Holiday

My boyfriend gave to me, fiftyleven murple shirts with zzzippers, foursh litters of captain puppies, free burpee seeds , two combos and think I fell in a sewer of ecoli diverisplement

On the sixth day of a party thing, mmmmmmmmmy guy gave on me six monkeys swimming, five things with stuff on ‘em, four furry fluffies with tails, tree flats of beniment drinky stuff, arhhhhggggg, I feel sick, two, hiccup arrrrghghghhhh, so sick.

On the seventh day, Gahd rested… wif a hangover

On the eighf day…I don’t memember anyfing

On the ninfth day, I arrrgbhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can never make it to twelve. Sorry.

I hope Santa brings you everything you want, be it Dolls

or Harleys! Or dolls on Harleys in some cases!

Merry Christmas, my bitches!!! Happy New year!!!!!!

Yippie

That was the word expressed at Tonight's "Town Board Monthly Meeting Show" by outgoing Supernard- Peter DiSclafluffy, as he half-heartedly congratulated the winners of the recent election. Don't cry for him, Argentina. No, really, don't. Bitch has plans, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Helena sat in her finest season finale gown, sipping Crystal, and waxing nostalgic over the last two years. So much has happened, so little of it good. Ahh, like sands through the hourglass, yada yada yada.

Most of the meeting went without incident, due in part to the low attendance (none of the witches of Eastwick showed up, so the seventh circle of hell ritual could not be performed). Peter and the entire board were taken to task over the "memorialising resolution" to not let any bitches smoke in town parks. Vin Bernstein, voicing concern that this was just another "example of increasing government" voted against it, as did fellow board member, soon to be Supervisor, and current smoking fiend, Rob Stantastik (eh, stretching, I know). When asked how this would be enforced, Peter went on a ten minute grasping for words serenade, until someone pinched the bitch and the meeting continued on.

Words like "amorphous" and "esoteric" were not harmed during the making of this meeting, I'm happy to report. When all was said and done...well, he didn't say anything at all really, 'cept, 'this isn't a law." Someone asked then why do it? Insert cricket chirpping sound...here.

So, the next hot-button issue (a new ambulance) came up again. Rich Muellerlalalalalalalala was in attendance, dressed to the nines, or course, we expect nothing less (if taffeta didn't chafe so much, I would recommend the Ambulance have their uniforms made of it, and I would "roll" with them homies, fo sho!).

Anyway, Lala was once again trying to appeal to the common sense of the board, explaining that an ambulance purchase was needed before they are forced to buy either a regular gas engine model from Ford, or a Chevy vehicle run on pee-pee and the sweat of labor camp prisoners in Thailand. You think Helena's kidding my chirruns, read the minutes, "urea" powered vehicles. Yummy!

Well, long story short (keebler short), the board sadly voted NO. Oh hell, who needs a useful, fully functioning vehicle? Not us Shandakeninnies. Nah, we're tough, be don't need no estinking help!

On top of that, another bit of ambulance news, which came as a shock to everyone, was a resolution to hire...dadadaaaaaa...PETER DISCLAFANI as an ambulance driver.
Felt like Captain Morgan drop kicked me and slapped the bitch right outta my drink!

I wondered how Pete-ard would exact his revenge on the bitches that got rid of him, and now his evil plan is clear. A lot of bitches are gonna die now! Helena has decided that should I find myself falling out of a tree again (or being removed from the tree by force, police force that is) I will apply the principles of survival self medication, and I will reset my broken leg with two downed tree branches and my handy, ever present flask, rather than risk the wrath that will be "Peter D., ambulance driver. Kidding aside, kudos on wanting to serve the public in yet another capacity.

So, no new ambulance, and Peter behind the wheel, I just heard the sound of the Ambulance's coveted awards falling off the walls back at headquarters. Well, these new developments call for some new procedures when dealing with emergencies. Might I suggest the following.

-Since no new ambulance will be purchased, buy a rickshaw to transport patients.
This would benefit the town in that it would save on gas, and it would be a great workout for drivers. Since Peter is new, he can start off with local runs and work his way to the long hauls.
Hell, the town will save so much money, they will eventually be able to afford a whole fleet of rickshaws.

Never mind two or three ambulances, ambulances are for suckers and businessmen. Only corporate greed would prevent the town from following through with this idea. Are you listening, Supervisor Stanley? Rickshaw.

My next suggestion would be, if you're a town resident and you require the offerings of a local emergency services department, but you can't have them, do the following:
-Put a band aid on whatever it is that ails you ( I don't care if you stabbed yourself in the eye or accidentally sat on a light bulb, the band aid isn't going to kill you), drink a bottle of drambuie, and drunk-drive yourself to the horsepital, because you'll have a better chance of making it that way then you will waiting for the ambulance that just blew a tie-rod and didn't have a back up because the town wanted to conserve money for more important things like signs to prevent people from smoking in the Shandaken park system. Not the prevent forest fires, mind you, but to prevent children from idolizing Gerry Setchko.

The funniest part of this subject matter, was that immediately after they turned down Lala's request for a new ambulance, Peter moves to vote on Police Cheif McGrath's request for a new car. The comic tension could probably be cut with a knife in that room. I'm sure that had they even entertained that motion, Mr. Lalalalala would have jumped out of his seat, and cut some bitches a new one. Helena would have paid extra to see that. But alas, always the gentleman, class and elegance prevailed(as it does with all of us well dressed bitches) and Mr .Lala thanked them for considering it anyway. I think Pete's gonna get the shitty shifts on the ambulance for a while.

The meeting came to a close without incident (I had hoped for at least that streaker lady to come running in and try to hug Peter or Rob) and Peter thanked everyone for "putting up with me for the last two years" and as he exited, a small group of stalwart supporters started clapping (it began as the dramatic slow clap, and escalated to a rush of thunderous claps....Just kidding, I gotta stop joking like that, sorry)

Helena has to use this last paragraph to give props to the man who made all of this possible. To Mr DiSclafani, who made us laugh, cry, scream, hyperventilate, squirm, laugh some more, and sneeze once or twice, thanks for the memories. I have fought the feeling that I would not be able to do this without you...

...but then Snoris spoke once or twice tonight, and I knew I would be okay.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MY CHIRRUNS

As I was being assisted down from my neighbor's tree again (this time fully clothed, much to the relief of Officers Neher and McGrath)the last thing I remember doing was walking the woods in search of some mushrooms for a special stuffing I enjoy making for Mr. Weaver for our thanksgiving turkey. I found a most beautiful large round red mushroom with what appeared to be crystal sugar dots on its cap. It looked so yummy and inviting I had to take a bite. Not long after that first bite, I noticed a keebler elf off in the distance, giving me the side eye, and before I knew it, he was in pursuit of me and my red delicious mushroom. Must be how I wound up in the tree again.

Well, after that incident, I lost my mushroom, therefore ruining Thanksgiving dinner this year at home. So, Mr. Weaver and I have decided to pack up the Bacardi and head for New England for the holiday. Vermont is lovely this time of year, and there is no better place to spend a Rockwell Thanksgiving than in Rutland.


We once celebrated a "Disney Thanksgiving" in Florida, but I don't recommend it. Minnie over cooks the bird and Goofy drinks a bit too much and gets handsy, while Mickey gets all up in your face about the evils of holiday commercialism. Little known fact...Donald Duck eats more turkey than anyone else at the table (I know, weird! I thought he was a vegetarian too). Of course he spits all over everything on the table when he talks, leaving everyone else grossed out and refusing seconds. Never again.

So, this afternoon, we packed our bags, and by tomorrow, we will be on our way to holiday heaven. Our holiday roads trips are always filed with Christmas carols blasting on the radio, hot buttered rum in our laps, police lights flashing in the rear view mirror, handcuffs and Miranda rights, cavity searches, charges of DUI, and all the pumpkin pie you could crave!

side note: Helena kids about the hot buttered rum in the car. I do not condone it. You could seriously burn our lap! For reals people, don't drink and drive with the hard (or hot) stuff.

We here locally have so much to be thankful for this year, with the promise of a new year sure to be full of progress. But let's not forget the most important thing. This is a time to enjoy and spend with your loved ones, and be thankful for having them. I myself am thankful for so many things...mostly I'm thankful for that beautiful mushroom.

To my family, my friends, and all (well, most) of Shandaken, I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving, and may you spend it with the ones you love and who love you.

Beware the elves guarding the beautiful mushrooms.

Who does she think she's kidding?

Here is an amusing link to the updated 'What's Shakin' in Shitdaken' site.

Talk about hypocrisy!



Please read it with amusement and...

Whhaaa, why do you have to be so mean? I don't like it when people are calling me on my shit! Now that I'm on the receiving end of it, I don't like it! I want to stop playing and take my ball and go home now, k?!

She wrote the book on mean, didn't she?




She doesn't think she hurt anybody, or maybe never meant to. Don't let her kid you, she is the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing. She claims she never called Jane Todd a "ho-bag". Actually no one ever called her one either.



But back to Jane...
Yeah, she called Jane everything but a ho-bag. Actually ho-bag would have been an improvement to some of the things she called her. Lets look at the list...

Real Estate swindler
embezzler
thief
murderer...

Okay, I made the last one up, but you get my drift, right?

Now, enough of poor Jane. The Shakin' blogger went on to victimize others in the town as the years went on. She knows who they are and what she did. I've heard tell of her actions while toiling away the hours in Al's and Sporto's, and as far as I can tell, her actions have been dishonest and hurtful...and very much purposeful. She had an agenda and would see it through at any cost. She played a dirty game but didn't like it when she had to face what she had done to others in the form of "taking her own medicine" and now wants it to end. She must really be haunted by that reflection in the mirror, huh?

She claims she did indeed receive harassing phone calls, and guessed she could "push it" and have the caller arrested and he would give up the "john" who gave out her number, but for some reason (unexplained) she has not. In the same paragraph, she hoped that this guy was just a pervert and not a homicidal maniac who would harm her family or herself. Well, if the calls did indeed happen like she states, then wouldn't it seem proper (sensible even) to indeed "push it" if for nothing else, than for the safety and well being of her family and herself. Serious side note: Helena does not condone this type of behavior, this is a serious problem that many people (mostly women) face. Look here to protect yourself from this type of harassment.

She was so very distraught that someone would talk smack about her around her children, finding that shameful, yet she does the same thing to others repeatedly! I guess the rules are different for her. Hey, what do you think her kids think of her when they see her rant and rave in public?

I have to have five shots of Goldschlager, four jiggers of rum, three snippets of Jack Daniels, two sips of cabo, and a partridge in a pear tree before I act that way she does in public!

She also goes on to say that she puts her name to her blog, not a hider like everyone else (the wine merchant is looking for me, I HAVE to stay incognito), well, how very brave of you dear.

However, let me remind you that when people have disagreed with you and your fellow rabid rabble rousers, their jobs are threatened, their lives are disrupted, and in a couple of cases, their businesses have burned down.

So yes, while it would be great to actually put your name to your words, lets face it, she and her cohorts are scary, dangerous people who stop at nothing, and I mean nothing, to stop you. Many peeps are just plain terrified to speak out unless doing so anonymously.





Anypitbull, you'll have to forgive me, but I don't buy your contrite bullshit for one minute honey. You don't go from throwing papers into the face of a 70 something year old gentleman at a public meeting (a gentleman who, by the by, treated you with no disrespect whatsoever) to being a suddenly morally aware woman attempting to be a victim in all of this. You, dear, are the one who victimizes. You are the bully. And bullies don't just suddenly stop, so to quote Jack Nicholson, "go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all full here."

If she were truly wanting all this "shit" to end, she would apologise to those she wronged, and live her life in a much more positive manner instead of shitting out bad karma fart bubbles everywhere she goes. She would learn to be happy instead of perpetually miserable (and you all know how misery loves company).

But I don't see any of that happening, sillies. You have to be a big enough person to admit your faults. I myself am working on a three step program to help me see the errs of my ways:

Step 1. Blame others
Step 2. Drink until you forget what you did that was so bad
Step 3. When you wake up with a hangover, blame others for making you drink so much

Done. See, easy breezy cheezy!

Alright my chirruns, I have to go now and lure little children into my house made of gingerbread and candy canes. When I get them inside, I force feed them veggies, because, ya know, they aren't expecting that in a gingerbread house, right?! Then I send them home with a tofu pie and laugh my ass off. Really screws with their heads.

God, I love kids! I hope to buy myself one someday.

A word about the Phoenicia Rag

When will they stop blowing smoke up our asses?

To read the Editorial in this week's only paper (and coincidentally the only cat box liner, bird cage liner, and tabloid rag) one would think that during his short one term in office, Pete-ard actually accomplished something. I giggled so hard the whiskey just shot out my nose.

Calling Petey's term in office "enormously helpful" and "healing", one would place him on the level of Nelson Mandela and Mother Theresa. My question is, who was he helpful to, and who did he heal? Was it a hands on healing and if so, was it with another consenting adult?

"A terrific legacy for a one term supervisor" they go on to say.

Ummm...what legacy? If you want to count all the stuff that Phoenicia didn't get during his administration, yeah, I'll give you that. Never before in the history of the town, did a supervisor accomplish absolutely nothing like he did! Good for you, Peter, great job. You took a challenge, and did nothing with it ("I've tried nuthin' and I'm all outta ideas!") while your cronies continued to fight wars they invented in their heads, complete with rabid blogs filled with lies and innuendo. I fill my blogs with gin and romance, because that' the kinda girl I am!

The editorial then went on to mention the "mostly Republican" planning board endorsing Bethia (NYMBOSYLIAN personified) Waterman to remain as chairman. Brian was also sure to mention how Bob Cross, ignoring the same request, kicked Beth's ass to the curb.

Hmmmm, funny but Brian failed to recall DiMoldica's "purging" of Billy Fitchner and just this year, Peter removed republican Gerry Setchko, stating "maybe we need someone with no experience for that position" yeah, someone who just happened to be a Dem. Someone who once on the Library board, saw to it that the popular and efficient Regina Johnson be removed from her position as librarian (she musta been tryin' to get into Randy's Belgian waffles) without so much as an explanation to the public. Yup, funny how the memory works huh?

My guess is the mention of Bethius Watermanus was to help sway Vin Bernstein to vote to keep her there, and have a say on the County level. Let me tell you my chirrens, you gotta be careful having NIMBOSLYIAN on any boards. before you know it, we will be a county devoid of everything.

I'm starting to suspect that the rag's publisher drinks more than Helena does! He seems to report and editorialize about things that only he and the voices in his head seem to know or care about. Much in the same way their editor and and writer report on meetings that only they seem to attend as they never seem to reflect what everyone else witnesses at the same meetings. Their take that Peter ran a bi-partisan office is the most ridiculous piece of compost they have thrown at us yet.

Healing.
Effective
legacy

I knew they would find a way to spin a golden web out of Peter's short comings, but this is really stretching it.

Lets see if they are this generous with Rob.

Let's also see if pigs can fly.

Tick tick tock, its purple o'clock!

So, elections are over, and with the favorable results, come the inevitable whining from the opposition.

Whaaaa, Rob won, that means we have to work to keep our jobs. We'll have to show up and everything! Whaaaaaaaa!









Helena has been sitting here drinking her zambuki and reading the latest headlines, laughing to herself (mostly from the liquor) and anticipating the changing of the guard. Already charges of harassment and tomfoolery have been thrown about. Mostly from a mentally unbalanced resident, mind you, but you know how these things snowball. One scatter brained resident accused a former candidate of giving out her (publically listed) number and called the State Police to argue that she received a harassing phone call. When Avon calls you, it's not harassment, they only want to make you pretty, silly....ugh.

As the clock winds down, and Pete-ard's reign of terror comes to a close (as Helena predicted...don't hate me because I'm beautiful and psychic, hate me because I refuse to share my cabo wabo) be prepared for some changes in how things get done at town hall.

Wait, okay, the irony was not lost on me in that last paragraph. I meant to say, things will actually get done in town hall. No more sleeping on the job.

Word has it, TOWM has stopped showing up for work altogether. The kid cuisines sit in the fridge, waiting to be heated and served. The phone books sit piled on the chair, waiting for an ass to sit upon them. Wendy and Patty toil away, answering calls and dragging Doris in (who is none too happy to be schlepping her ass in to sign checks everyday, sucks to be Deputy Supe, don't it?) to perform the duties of office that Mr. DiSclafluffy has so quickly abandoned. I hope he isn't breaking into the cooking sherry and all purpose "flour" again. He wanted to be your supervisor, but not that much apparently. Nah, Petey ain't seeing this bitch out to the end. He's just whimpering away...

New predictions from Helena.

Rob's first meeting as SUPERvisor will be constantly interrupted by Merry Vermin, Kathy Knownothing and Peter DiMoldy. They will hold the town board meeting up to arguing the necessity of saying the pledge, and accusing Rob of using said pledge as a means of controlling the residents. HOWEVER, unlike TOWM or Bob Cross before him, Rob will be able to keep meetings orderly and won't tkae much crap from the zealots, giving them their required time to speak and no more.

This won't stop the rabid pack from making every effort to bring misery to Rob and the town board members lives. The vicious attacks during campaign season used by Pete's supporters are nothing compared to what they will do now that Rob ousted their own "Lord of the flies" and for that he will be punished (gosh, I hope Piggy and Ralph left that conch shell on the island....wait, Piggy died didn't he?).

What remains to be seen is how people will react once this new administration takes its place. Will those who campaigned against Rob act like grown ups or will they resort to childish tactics to disrupt the work to be done for their own community? Even beautiful psychic Helena cannot predict this one.

Wait for it.

Rob Stanley, a priest, and Forrest Gump walk into a bar...

So, mommies and poppies, Helena was so caught up in the election fervor, that she forgot that her favorite t.v. show was on tonight. A specially scheduled town board meeting show took place, but I only caught the first part as I was scheduled to attend a wake being held at the Sportsman's Alamo Cantina.

Well, from the small portion of the meeting I did watch, the budget was discussed. And while I know that fourteen shots of Cabo Wabo will make your reasoning abilities fuzzy like Petey's math, I believe things have gotten so bad, that we are now going to be reduced to purposely injuring tourists to raise some cash for the town. I believe the board even voted on it and everything. There was discussion of breaking skiers legs or putting snow boarders in traction. Maybe I have some of the facts wrong, but I think we residents will be given assignments on who to injure, how and where. I'll keep you posted...

They also discussed how the good neighbor fund should never be touched again, except to fix the shit hole in the flood plain that is town hall. In the mean time, Peter says we should all collect green stamps to save up for the more important ambulance the town needs. In forty seven years, we will have collected enough green stamps to bring Cindy Brady to the Green Stamps store to pick out a really cool EMS vehicle...or a sewing machine, which ever Cindy Brandy really wants.

They then moved on to the trigonometry and theory of relativity portion of the meeting (apparently), as they spent fifty two minutes figuring out where $10,000 was going. Rob finally had to get up and give Forrest the right budget that the rest of the world was working on...yeah, the election results were a good thing.

As the camera panned the audience, I noticed that not many peeps showed up for the live performance taping. Only a handful of daring souls braved the bore-fest, including Mr. Rich Muelerlalalalalala in his uniformed finest, Kathy Knownothing and Barbara Redbarnstormer (who displayed an odd choice in seating position for those of us watching from home- girl, try closing your legs once in a while, that thing has had plenty of air already!). The Windowlickerdellas showed up late, and not too many more than that were there.

They then announced that they were taking a ten minute break (eleventy eight minutes in PT) and that is when I shut down the tv and high tailed it to Sporto's. Boy, you could wipe the floors with the mopey,teat (typo, but it stays) stained faces there. Good thing the Democrats have found a new home in Sporto's. They needed a "bat cave" and Bike needs the business.

Hey, just wondering, has Pete-ard congratulated Rob on his win? If anyone knows, please feel free to alert me. I'm just wondering.

And to my friends Fanci and Barry, thanks for not speaking for me, because as you know, I still have two solid months left, and plenty of Petey jokes to write. I'm gonna miss that bitch!

...Then again, I still have Snoris

Helena

Who's your Superman

That's right, my beh-beh's. Just as Helena called it yesterday, Rob is takin' home the win! We wanted our voices heard, and now they will be.

So far, another win for the team can be called, with Jack Jordan taking a seat on the town board.

Of course, the Phoenicia Rag's spin will be "Peter wins option to stay in office for two more months, wants to focus on improving relationship with restaurant patrons."

Now on a serious note (and you know how Helena hates serious notes, it makes the gin taste bitter) just last week, a nervy sort going by the name of "Sarducci" wrote on my friend Fanci's forum, that "when we find out who you are, we are going to run you and those like you outta town!"

Well, Mr. Sarducci, let me tell you who we are. We are the 588+ who voted for Robert Stanley. We are the 509+ who voted for Jack Jordan and the 389+ who voted for Pat Ellison. We are the 397+ and the 407+ who voted for Joan Kalb and Johnny Horn. We are the 442+ who voted for Charlie Frasier. And lastly, we are the 673+ who voted for Tom Crucet.

Now, if any of you have chillens reading this, make them leave the screen 'cause its about to get all "r" rated up in here.

So there you have it Mr. Sarducci. That is who we are. With that said, you better have a big fucking gun to run all of us outta town. And if you don't? Shut your ignorant mouth, take your medicine like a good boy or girl, and walk away from this one, because you are completely out numbered. You're probably the same jackass that was stealing JoJo's signs up and down 28. You're a pathetic dweeb.

Serious note over.

Yes, Chillens we did it!!!!
Congratulations to Rob and Jack, and all those who fought the good fight. It ain't over for Pat yet, the county shows her at a 5 vote lead, which is nothing yet with absentee votes yet to be counted.

And as for the assessors votes...uhm, WTF?! A photographer over a bookkeeper? Bitches, please! And the man who was once supervisor only to be run out of office two years later, now running for the lesser position of assessor beats the man who actually has experience in assessments? Bitches, please!

And on a lighter note, I wanted to wish Mr. DiSclafluffy good luck in his new career in the rodeo. Life can get lonely on the circuit, so I would encourage you all to drop Cowboy Pete a line once in a while. The up side for Petey is, horsies don't like politics and they don't vote, so Pete will never have to explain the "Farm Stand Law" or how the sewer referendum failed. And, mustaches are still really popular with the cowboys, and he has a variety of styles to choose from.


Night my beh-behs.

A word from a Peter Supporter

Hey There Shandakenites...Shandakeners? Shandakeninnies? Yeah, that's more like it. I wanted to throw my support towards Mr. DiFanny. That's his name right? Well, the reason I'm supporting him is because he wrote a letter and asked me to do so. He also sent me a picute he drew himself.




So, how could I turn down a request like that. I would have to have a heart made of ice,and we all know, as Mr. Heat Miser, that's not possible.
Anyway, since I've served on the board of directors for the dark side for some 50 years, I think I know a thing or three about keeping citizens unhappy. I think that this little fellow has what it takes to make you all unhappy for many years to come. Here is another of the many wonderful pictures he keeps sending me.
Or, it's his signature, I can't really tell. Either way, please get him to stop writing to me. I don't care how you do it... tell him I died! Oh, and if you want to stay miserable, vote for him too.

A word from Da Man

You know what to do, my groovy babies.

You know who to put in those ever important seats!

Rob, Jack, Pat, JoJo, Johnny, Tom, Charlie, Keith.

Or there will be hell to pay!!!!!!!!

Nah, just kidding!

Orrrrrrrrr am I?
Rock the vote, my children.

70's Spicy God

Ahhh, yeah, Row B is my Bitches!

So, who do you want running your town? Helena tends to vote for the guy who:
A. Is not a cartoon character
B. Has a cool goatee in place of a dated, out o' control mustache hell bent on world dominance.
C. Knows what he is doing.

With the latest (won't say last, as I'm still waiting for the "Rob molests goats" letter to show up in my mailbox today) bit of propaganda sent out by the Democrats, I would assume that NASA's successful string of launches this year can be attributed to our current ball und chain
"Peteyorite" DiSclafluffy. This mailer started with something along the lines of "some might try to convince you that things are not well with Shandaken..." no SHIT! But, then, it goes on to say things are super rosey (they forgot to include the rose-colored glasses for readers) and lists all sorts of events that take place or took place in the town this year. None of which had anything to do with Peteyorite, yet once again, his advisers have taken the liberty to give credit to Petey for all things wonderful. So, on that note, let me add to Peteyorite's other lists of accomplishments this past 20 months that he also has nothing to do with:

- saved thousands of jobs with his national stimulus package
- Helped Meb Keflezighi win the New York Marathon by coaching him and feeding him 'sgetti and meatballs
-welded the scrap metal from ground zero that is now on the USS New York.
-Assembled the USS New York from the scrap metal from ground zero.
-Convinced Afgani President Karzai to hold a re-vote in his country.

But seriously, I think my beh-behs know who to vote for.

First, you have the Assessor's office. JoJo and Johnny need to get these spots, you need unbiased assessing, because we all know that the Days of "Personal Opinion Assessments" must come to an end NOW! No more "this bitch is gonna pay big 'cause I don't like her"or "this bitch gets a break 'cause they liked my dress at the last Christmas party" shit. These two people will make everything all better.

Then, for Judges, hands down you know who has to go in. Tom (the incumbent) and Charlie can easily serve the needs of the community fairly. Don't know how long this Amy Brown has lived here, but I picture her living in a broom closet somewhere in the Monastery, waiting for her 2 hours of daylight allowance when she can come out and be among "the others". Miranda, eh, you know about him selling me that used car, so nuff said!

Councilmen. Now, you can't let me down on this one, my chillens! If Jack and Pat are not elected, Helena is going to throw a hissy fit like none you've ever seen before. Like Merry Vermin's hissy fits, only with people actually being hurt! When I throw a hissy fit, I throw furniture along with it! Antique, re-finished furniture! The heavy shit! This is where the name "cloudspinners" came from, just for your reference!

Now, on to Supervisor. You know where Helena stands on this one. If you don't then you're new to this page, and if so, where the hell have you been?

Robbie is going to walk away from this one, and you know how I know this? I was sitting with Petey, Merry, Ms. Knownothing, and "the Rose" the other night, and we were all talking about what we were gonna do after election. Pete the meat said he was going back to Colorado and take up horse back riding. Merry said she would be looking for a job at the "Blue Jay Way" on North Front Street. Ms. Knownothing said she did not have to make any changes because she did not work, was only an advisor, and would find some other poor sap to sit and listen to her ramblings for hours on end. Me, I just kept my mouth quiet. I cant' lose my job. When you drink for a living, there is real job security in it. Thank you Hennesey.

So, Rob, my Superman, I've called the election already and you've got your work cut out for you. But you are more than up to the challenge. This is what you've spent the last four years grooming for. No one was able to intimidate you, make you cry, or change your mind. You stuck to your guns, played the maverick, and worked tirelessly. Now it's up to you. Work well with the others, play by the rules, make decisions that will enable you to continue to hold your head up high, and never take the low ground.

That is why Helena is voting for you.

That is why Helena is voting for EVERYONE on row B- because all you bitches are bitches who can still walk around holding your heads up high in this lowly berg.

Good luck to my chillens!

I, along with Mr. Jim Beam, will be rooting for you.

Not since the cold war have we seen such a massive defection

Hello my Chirrens! I know it's been a few days since my last post, and nooooooo I was not kidnapped by evil trolls and set aflame as was previously published in the National Enquirer. I was actually out canvasing the town and picking up bits of information wherever it was offered. One thing Helena has learned over the years is "feed a man Patrone, and he will drink for days"...no wait, I'm getting my metawhores confused. What I meant was, buy a guy a drink from the top shelf, and he will tell you everything he hears in the bar.

Well, what did Helena learn from her excursions throughout town?

Something very interesting but not surprising. It would appear that TOWM supporters are leaving the flock in droves. Yup, you heard me. They're turning in their foil hats and quittin' that bitch, ASAP. Turns out people get turned off by dirty politics and lies. Don't believe me? Just read any playboy magazine since 19?? Every centerfold will tell you, their turn offs are liars and jerks (unless they are super rich) and politics doesn't curl their toes. A combination of nothing accomplished, lies upon lies, and incompetence, grouped in with a dash of crazy psycho advisers spreading a spectacularly unsuccessful smear campaign against, of all people, individuals not even running for any office, have left those that were once hopeful of Peter (and Obama, oooo, let's call them, Pobama) gravely disappointed.

He was gonna bring us together, remember? We were gonna go on picnics and group trips to Great Adventure! We were gonna plant flowers and sing crappy 60's folk music together. We we gonna work together to build a bridge (no, not the walkway) to harmony. Then Peter's stash ran out (January 3rd) and when the smoke cleared, the bitch turned rabid. The hit list was put in place and instead of accomplishing things and stuff, he and the clan set about bringing their perceived enemies down and destroying any hopes of all residents voices being heard. The segregation of the population was played out quickly. The "them and us" mentality was in full force, thanks to the round up of Peter's cronies. The only difference between Shandaken 2009 and Selma, Alabama, circa 1950's? Issue of race and the price of a burger. Republicans and Democrats who support Republicans are considered lower class citizens. Let's not pretend this isn't so, read the papers, my chirrens. You think the Dems aren't smarting from losing Pat Ellison in this election? You think they're gonna let Pat drink from their cup anytime soon? Pat's now got the stink of "red" on her, she will never be accepted back into "her kind" again. Sure, she is still a Democrat...but will they let her join in their reindeer games ever again? Helena says no. Their loss.

So the foil heads are following the path of the bunnies and heading for the Rob Side. The Rob, Jack, Pat, Tom, JoJo and John Side. The John side, you know the bunnies are going there! As soon as the centerfold money dries up! The ex-foilees having removed all hope from their hearts, and are now placing their new found hopes on the shoulders of a new representative. Hoping he does not disappoint them the way their last Messiah did (where's your God now, Moses) and praying for a town in peace, not one in pieces.

Anypoop, Helena plans on siting in front of her computer on election night, sipping gin and watching the results as they come in. Since it is a federal holiday, I'm calling in to work (let the bitches get their own fries for once).

JoJo's been robbed!!!!

Yes, that's right, my beh-behs, I got an e-mail from one of my reporters who tells Helena someone (ahem) went up and down Route 28 last night, stealing JoJo Kalb's signs, even going so far as to step on private property to take these signs! Last I heard, that was theft and trespassing ( in Peter speak, that is "ambition" and "advancement")

Ms. Kalb, I officially declare you the winner. Why else would they go through the trouble of removing your signs if they didn't think you were gonna whop their asses in November.

Oh, how the skanks have fallen.

Now, I've seen Pete-ard's followers do some low handed things, but this is the lowest of low.

Now, while you might think this is just a prank, it's outright theft. Now, let's take a moment and calculate all of the dirty tricks Pete-ard and his cronies have pulled so far:

Repeatedly stalled Declan Feehan's attempts to clean up the Phoenicia Hotel site in an attempt to take the property by eminent domain. Trouble was somebody forgot to tell them you cant take property that way. Time lost and Grants missed out on for this potential commercial sight that could have been bringing income into the town by way of construction jobs. The explanation from Peter was this was about safety for the community. We really know it was about padding the town coffers so funds could be spent on new positions created in town hall. No construction jobs, mind you, just ya know, cushy jobs. Big beefy Construction men, Think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Repeatedly attempted to close down The Hanover Farms and Alyce and Rodger's Fruit Stand with their ill fated farm stand law. A law they still have not followed through with because they know it is flawed beyond fixing. Many jobs would have been lost, not to mention gorgeous and affordable produce that would have been taken from us. This law was trying to place control within town government over what time of year and hours they could operate, and WHAT THEY COULD SELL!? Please, I'm still waiting for Al to stock Stoli for me. Nothing goes with kale and carrots better than Stoli...'cept Grey Goose. I'm just sayin'. Appreciative consumers of lettuce and liquor, Think about that when you pull the lever.

Peter promised cell service for the town. Then he gave the company that had constructed the tower the money held in escrow, roughly thirty thousand dollars,( or 5 billion million Peter-bucks) that was supposed to be held until the contractor found carriers for it, taking away any incentive they had to assist Shandaken in finding anyone willing to go on the ill fated world's largest coat stand. Peter's fix? Sign a petition. Bitch, please! Those still without cell service, standing and watching Verizon rip out the last remaining pay phones along 28, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Contrary to what Pete-ard said at the (hands down a win for Rob) debate, he has NOT answered every FOIA request he has gotten. He still has yet to answer the question about what other companies (he made up in his head) he allegedly called to bid in the reed bed study. People who still believe we live in a free country, Think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Desperate calls were made by both Peter and his Museum Director to the State of NY to attempt to interfere with services run by a community organization that has brought in over 6 million dollars to this community (I know, I know, not exactly what the Museum is bringing in with advanced admission sales, but hey, they get by) and demanded they be shut down. Let's see, how much has Petey brought in (on his own, not counting the grant he just signed for recently that was actually done under the previous administration) to the town? $0.00 ( 14 billion in peter-bucks). All town residents, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Without proper approval from DOT orrrrrrr his fellow board members, Peter used town funds ($1,800 or so) to have a sign placed on Route 28 in Mount Tremper to direct traffic to the apparent Gotham that this area houses. Businesses, lodging, dining, were all touted on this butt-fugly sign. Uhmmm. I know that Ted Byron and Brian Dorr have their landscaping business signs there in front of their homes. And then there is the Post office. Oh, Ken Lovelett has a lovely store (please do go in and check out his patented awesome drums), and oh,, yes, I almost forgot, Tiso's Restaurant. Best Italian home-cooking you'll get up here, 'cept for Helena's Pasta La Vodka.
Want my my recipe?
One bottle of Smirnoff. Shake well.
Drink.
Wait, what was I cooking?
Ah, screw it, order from Tiso's.

So, where was I, oh yea, Tiso's and that's it.

WAIT! I forgot one. Coincidentally, Peter's Restaurant is also there, just before Tiso's. You'll recognize it by the empty lot.

I wonder what happened to that sign? $1,800 seems like alot to have just stuffed into some darkened room, alone and ashamed. Residents who love to eat good Italian food, and those
against wasteful spending of self serving (and illegally placed) signs, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

He promised to keep the flower program running and then when SHARP spent the funds and requested their promised $5,000.00, Peter informed them that he was pulling the flower program ( a decision made on his own, no confab with the other councilmen, then tried to blame the other councilmen when the flowers hit the fan) and refused to reimburse them. The next year when SHARP made a request for funds again, Peter and Co. insisted that SHARP spend the money upfront and show receipts. SHARP said the equivalent of "Fool me once...!" Flowers go bye-bye.
Tough titties, SHARP. SOL my chirrens.
Maybe you can take up a collection and get those really nice plastic flowers, Oh, better yet, I know a place where they sell those wooden flowers with faces painted on them. A conversation piece, for sure. Flower lovers and those opposed to plastic/wooden smiley face flowers, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Peter placed his friends in unnecessary town jobs, which makes them eligible for benefits. They will one day be vested and pull in a pension while most of you suckers drive to Kingston to work for YEARS, wearing out your tires and paying for gas to the point where...nuff said on that. Those of you not listed as the chosen few, think about that when you go to pull the lever (that is, if you have enough gas left in your car to drive to the polls).

Pete-ard promised a senior lunch program, and then proceeded to place the task into Brian Shapiro's very capable lap. In case you don't get it, that is sarcasm. Brian stopped returning phone calls (until election time of course) and Peter was given the idea of a voucher system. He refused to act on it...until this past month. It only took 22 months (velveteen years in Peter time) and we now have a senior lunch program...for two or three months.

Hopefully, if Peter wins again (ouch, I just bit my tongue) it wiw onwy take anower (I bit my tongue bitches, remember?) 22 months for another successful two month lunch program. All you hungry seniors yearning for lunch companionship, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Now, add to this very long list, theft, trespassing, oh, lets not forget plagiarism (because lesser Helena 2.o, or poser as we call her in thenews room, isn't creative enough to write her own material, she just copies and pastes this one, loser).






I won't attack Peter for not having an original thought anymore.
Why, you ask Helena?

Because, of all the people who have ever run for any office in this town, I have never seen anyone of them sink this low. This is a new low for this town, and for that, I'll give Pete-ard full credit. You might argue that he is not out there doing the sign stealing himself. You're correct about that, he is not. However, he condones it. He encourages it, he allows it. Until he sends out a letter condemning the actions, of course, far too little and too late, like he did last time he ran. I've seen many types of people running for office, but never this lowly caliber before (wait, yeah, I did... two years ago, how quickly we forget). Those who want maturity, honesty and competency in office, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Hey, Did Petey boy ever mention which insurance company he decided to go with? After all he put alot of work into pretending he didn't look at the closed bids before that meeting (roll the tape...Doris hands Peter the envelope, Peter replies, "No, I've already seen it, thanks." and passes it on to a stunned Rob) Don't believe me? Watch for yourself.
Gooder Goberment, MY ASS!


The Next Phoenicia Rag headlines...

A drunken Rob freaks out at Debate, killing two audience members. Peter brings them back to life, and saves them $200.00 on their car insurance.

SHARP gives Rob $45,000.00 for a "man cave" and a year's supply of Meister Brau... murder and mayhem ensue at Stanley residence as drunken councilman attacks party-goers. Peter holds candle light vigil for pary sufferers, making said candles from his own batch of mustache wax.

Peter uses his power of "mustache" and feeds the hungry by shaking his 'stache and supplying the needy with loaves of bread from it. Rob steals the bread and makes a sandwich to dip in his Meister Brau which he enjoys in his "man cave".

Now, Finally a quick word about my blog friend, Fanci. True, Fanci has moved,and I support her decision to do so. You go girl! As for me? This bitch ain't goin' anywhere. Bitch isn't makin' me change my totally awesome self because she wants to play poser and continue to plagiarize me. Who wouldn't want to be this fabulous? Really! Who? Keep it up, Bitch! You just keep digging yourself further and further into the grave.
My friend Fanci offers lesser Helena 2.0 love and peace.
Helena (the one and only REAL Helena), only offers to keep holding the nails for your coffin as you continue to dig. Don't worry, I can wait. I'll be here when you're done. Be-otch.

Okay, I've given lesser Helena 2.0 enough to plagiarize tonight, don't want her too busy as Dr Phil has a special on 'secret cutters" followed by a special Oprah who will give away free self help/self love kits to home viewers. and I wouldn't want her to miss either one. Stop hatin', my bitch, start lovin yoself!
Word.
hiccup*