Wow, stuff happens while I travel the thruway

Busy busy goings on in the Town of Shandaken (Here's a Shan-fact: Shandaken is Iroquois for "sore on the bottom of the foot")....Okay, I made that up...there's no such thing as a Shan-fact! Gotcha.
But Shandaken is a sore.

I won't say where though. You get it when you make nice-nice with Paris Hilton. That's all I'm gonna say.

First, the planning board seems to be having some difficulty with being able to pick their new member and the chairman of the board. No sillies, not that they can't make up their mind, but because some rogue (not the x-men kind) town board member seems to be unhappy with their choice of new member and is not letting them do what they are supposed to do.

Enter Hope Lumin. The majority of the Planning Board's choice for new board bitch. It would appear to all those in the know, that Ms. Lumin would be the perfect candidate, with a background in planning and all. However, she was missing that one key element that makes all candidates perfect in the eyes of the "NYMBOSLYAN"...a lobotomy. Also, she has never publicly declared her hatred for Dean Gitter, the Gailes, the Resort, or fuzzy little bunnies that wear vests and a monocle.

Should be interesting to see how this is handled Monday night.

Ohhh,. that's right, don't forget to watch my (used to be) favorite program, the Town board monthly meeting show. Well it might still be my favorite as I expect once again that Pete-ard will slink in to show off his mustache and smirk appropriately.

Speaking of Pete-ard, Helena was having drinks yesterday with a walrus who wore a bow tie and had a goatee (okay, I was drunk already, so it was probably my attorney who does happen to wear a bow tie and goatee) and he told me a secret.

...Oh, were you waiting for me to share the secret? Oh alright, let me put my drink down and type faster, Desperate Housewives will be on soon.

Well, my walrus source asked me to be careful with what I tell, but here goes a little info...

Nah..I'm gonna save that for my facebook page. Or you can e-mail me to find out. But I can promise it is juicy. Hey in fact, I think I found my new hot bitch riddle for this weekend!

Lastly:

Now, for your moment of "Uhhhhggg, not her again"

Main Entry: ha·rass

Pronunciation: \hə-ˈras; ˈher-əs, ˈha-rəs\

Function: transitive verb

Etymology: French harasser, from Middle French, from harer to set a dog on, from Old French hare, interjection used to incite dogs, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German hier here — more at here

Date: 1617

1 a : exhaust, fatigue b (1) : to annoy persistently (2) : to create an unpleasant or hostile situation for especially by uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical conduct
2 : to worry and impede by repeated raids ed the enemy>

synonyms see worry

— ha·rass·er noun

— ha·rass·ment \-mənt\ noun

Seems like some of Helena's Facebook bitches have been getting harassed at their place of employment (sound familiar?) by someone who has no friends of her own and doesn't want the beautiful and popular Helena to have any either. Well, really, it is all my facebook bitches fault, right? I mean, did they think they had the freedom to choose who their friends could be? Did they think they live in a democracy? Puh-leez!

Some have decided to drop me, which is fine as I understand the cross they bear ( the cross is five foot" whatever", stocky, as most bullies are, gnarled yellowed teeth, etc.) Others have told her to go "F@%* herself", in the most polite way of course, as my bitches do, and it makes me proud.

Honestly, though I did expect it, I have to laugh at the pathetic attempts this broad goes to to bring company to her misery. I wish I had time to call the jobs of the people I don't like, but then again, the people I don't like usually don't have a job. They spend their whole day watching" Springer" in their bathrobe, and eating cheese from a spray can. Hmmm, spray can cheese

Tune in next week when I show you how to run a Museum from your living room sofa.

You can't always get what you want....but sometimes

Things just have a way of working out. I'm not sure if it's the time of the year, the moon cycle, planetary alignment, a monkey who predicts earth quakes, or what have you, but sometimes things really just work out the way they are supposed to.

Last year when Shandaken Unplugged began its run following in the steps of the late great Original Fanci Colon/Barry Derrmann's The Shandaken Truth, no one could have predicted the impact both sites would have on the community and the events that eventually unfolded. Not that Helena is claiming these sites were responsible for the election results, not in the least. I think the candidates did that all themselves. However, one cannot deny the effect that was felt, both positive and negative, as was the intention, on the community. What was probably the biggest surprise to Helena herself, was that others were also paying attention to the posts on the blogs. By "others", Helena means people who live past the Hudson Valley Corridor. Yeah, I know, in school they taught you that the world ended at the thruway round-a-bout and that was where the earth dropped off flat!

But a whole world does exist outside the little bubble you call home (Shandaken) with people, and boats, people on boats, cars and dogs, dogs driving cars, etc. And in the mix, publishers of glossy magazines exist outside the bubble. Glossy magazines with political commentaries, fancy photos, wordy editorials, and expense accounts. Ironically, publishers outside of the bubble like to read blogs from inside the bubble. They like to read lots of blogs inside the bubble. And when they see a blog they really like (read: laugh their ass off while reading) they contact the blogger and...you see where I'm going with this, don't you?

Yes, chirruns, Helena was recently offered a position writing a column for a publication that is outside the bubble with glossy pages, fancy photos, wordy editorials, and an expense account ! Do you think stoli cocktails at Tavern on the Green can be considered an expense write-off?

Of course, I know what you're thinking, I can always tell what the voices in my head are thinking, even before they say it.

"But Helena, are you sure this is the real deal, and not some dirty trick set up by the evil doers of the town?"

Yes, at first I was suspicious too. Anylunchwhore, you know how I love a good game and an offer for free drinks, so I said, "I'll bite."

But after several phone conversations, and finally a fantastic lunch at trendy (read: expensive) Nobu, it became apparent that I was in the company of an honest to goodness publisher. I highly recommend the kumomoto oysters and toro tartar- I likes my lunch still alive and kicking, Helena thought, "If this is a dirty trick being played on me, with a $375.00 lunch under my belt, I can't wait to see how they drop the bomb." Then came the almond cake with cherries...that was only eh, so bomb dropped!

Anyfoodpoisoning, long, wonderful, exciting story short...Helena will soon have a larger contingency of bitches to blog to! But fear not, my loyal beh-behs, you will not be abandoned. Not fully.

Soon enough I will no longer have the time to devote to this blog that I have in the past, but rest assured, I will continue with staggered (pun not lost on me, how 'bout you?) posts, I'll need to keep up with local shenanigans and try out new bitching methods, won't I?

The moral to this story? Wicked, with a large dose of funny is attractive and marketable. Mean without humor...not so much. That's a lesson some have to learn the hard way.

So, yes, things turn out the way they are meant too, and maybe it was the monkey who predicts earthquakes who made it all possible. Or maybe this time is was equal parts hard work and Helena's unique talent... with a dash of Smirnoff.

Okay...perhaps it was also a quarter cup of monkey prediction...but only for coloring.

Till next time, my beh-behs

In honor of Martin Luther King...

I thought with the racial intolerance that has been spewed recently, it would be fitting on this day, of all days, as we celebrate the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., we focus on bettering ourselves with openly accepting our neighbors no matter what their views are. They have the right idea in the South, and I think it's about time we Shandakeninnies followed suit.

This also goes for those who are already tolerant of others, but are hounded by a friend, family member, or neighbor who voices hatred for those who don't share their skin color, or their opinions. Tolerance means learning to accept them as well, even though you don't share their flawed way of thinking. They may not know any better. Remember, not everyone was raised the same way, and while you may have grown up with the advantages of a good upbringing, others may not have been so lucky.

Use today to perform an act of kindness to someone who has been unkind to you.

This was Helena's preachy do good moment. I hope you enjoyed it, they pass so very quickly!

P.S. my do good act today: I will forgive whoever it was that drank the last of my Merlot. You greatly wronged me, and you know it, but I forgive you...when you put the replacement bottle back on the shelf.

Still no website

Day sixteen, and still no website. I did enjoy the former web master's letter in the paper yesterday though, explaining her take on it all.

Again, she starts out with admitting voluntary service, and that the then supervisor (and restaurant/life partner) thanked her for her services.

She goes on to say how she poured all of her blood, sweat, and tears, and a little bit of cocoa, into that site, damn it! Started to sound pretty good, but then...

So, to paraphrase, "I simply asked for either monetary compensation OR a thank you from ROB STANLEY, but got neither."

First: YOU VOLUNTEERED your services, you said as much twice already. There are laws prohibiting this type of compensatory demand after the fact. It is called EXTORTION!

Second: You already received a thank you, from the Supervisor at the time of your service. You already got your thank you, now move on...with some dignity please. You did a lovely job, your hubby lost the race, now go back to the things you love to do. Have a wonderful life, even. Just stop acting like a child, stop hurting the community you profess to love.

Damn right the town board approved the lawyer's call to you, woman. You're breaking the law by not allowing the town access to the site. THEY OWN IT. Not you.

It's about time someone in this town did something right- for a change. Let's shake things up and start acting like normal human beings!

Join me next week when I give make-up tips for coat- wearing gorillas! Don't worry, the ones I work on are heavily sedated with a combination of Stolichnaya and Vicodin. They ain't pretty, but they are fun to be around after a few drinks...so I've been told, anyway.


Note: I was not referring to the NEW webmaster when posting any story pertaining to the website, only the FORMER webmaster, Who I am happy to report did not have a recent loss in her family! My condolences to her and her family are rescinded. One anonymous commenter was kind enough to report that I am an ass, apparently. I disagree. I may be a lush, a flirt, a beauty to be envied...well maybe I am a bit of an ass. But a lovable one.

Is Shandaken a racially friendly town, or what? (hint..or what)

The mentally ill say the darnedest things.

As some of my bitches may have noticed lately, Helena has had to moderate the comments coming in because they were getting a little "tawdry" and though I like a good naughty take once in a while, these comments were just down right...well for lack of a better word, libelous.

Politics makes for bad feelings, this I understand, however, the comments that have been coming into the Handbasket pile, is something I thought I had better not fully subject my bitches to. I mean, really, you would have to down a bottle of courvoisier before you would be able to stomach some of the comments.

The focus of the anonymous commentators seem to be a non public figure they are sure is me (their guess, however, could not be further from the truth) and a Board member, of course. Some of the comments include such beauties as (names removed for fear of a lawsuit):

"Watsa [sic] matter *****, mommy doesn't want your sorry fat ass for christmas either? make sure that hairless (racial slur) hubby uses the sunscreen. you are not only ugly but a pathetic looser[sic]. "

Yeah, I get it, you hate her 'cause she is really really fat and her husband is a different race than you approve of (anything but white, I assume?). But I bet at least she can spell! SPELL/GRAMMAR CHECK ASSHOLE! Who's the pathetic loser now? See here for proper definition

"aw *****, *** must not have allowed you to give him a blow job this week...you really outdid yourself...be careful with **** ie boy, he is a carrier, but that will be okay with you, then at least you will belong to something...you know, as in the family of carriers. Aw to belong, it warms the heart but not unlike drambuie."

Now that is just sad. First, to include Drambuie in a comment like that is disgraceful, what did Drambuie ever do to you? And second, to try to steal my style of humor, and not be able to pull it off? SACRILEGE! It takes years of training and kegs of beer to get this F***ing funny, Bitch! P.S. Yes, I really did "outdo" myself, thanks for noticing.

There were plenty of others, but these were the only tame ones I could share. The one that had Helena rolling on the floor was when they meant to end one of their clever (read: asinine) comments with my catch phrase of "wait for it", but instead typed "what for it!" I'm gonna go make sure the small bus is gassed and ready to go for them. This was also the one that detailed how a town board member was *allegedly(*my term for legal purposes, but not theirs) smoking pot in the parking lot across from the Pine Hill Arms, and showed up to town hall high and drunk. Others were just down right hateful towards two particular races that happen to play a part in the lives of many people in this town.

While I have not been a victim of these awful hurtful comments myself, I have to say that I do think its a shame that someone has found it necessary to be vicious without injecting humor into their comments. I also would never stoop so low as to make racial remarks regarding residents, their spouses, and town board family members. Racism is not a joke, no matter how many 'knock knocks' you put in it. To find humor in pointing out someone is of a different skin color than you simply for the sake of denigrating them, is not just a shame, but I believe it is considered a hate crime, and is a punishable offense. But authorities don't need to be notified, your friends (if you really have any left) and your neighbors know who you are. The racist. Don't worry, I know who you are, I recognize you by the sheet hanging out your car door when you drive down 28. Careful not to trip on it! It would be a shame to catch yourself on fire when lighting a cross on a lawn.

Speaking of punishable offenses, Day 13, and still no town web site. I'm starting to feel robbed. If only there was something that could be done...

Waaaaaaaaaait for it (or "what for it" as lesser Helena 2.0 would say)

Tick tock, tick tock

Eleven days into his new administration, and Supervisor Stanley and the residents of Shandaken still have no web site.

The former Supervisor's wife, and former web master, admitted in her letter posted on the town site (the letter has since been taken down...don't worry, I still have my copy) that she VOLUNTEERED her services.

A fact that seems to be escaping the mind of the former webmaster is that this site existed long before she sauntered into the interweb world, and just because she chose a few shades off of the color wheel and placed other people's words on it, does not mean she owns it. That would be like me saying "I've drunk seven hundred and forty three bottles of Jagermeister, so I now own the company" ('cause I have...and I should...but I don't).

I recollect an election happening, and I also recall that Mr. Stanley won, fair and square. Sour grapes is no way to bring about dignity to the former administrator. The truly odd thing about all this is that I honestly believe the former webmaster doesn't even realize how bad she is making herself look. And not only herself, but her husband as well. She could have allowed him the decency to leave office with some dignity. Now, that's been taken away, leaving him with a theft "legacy". Should Peter DiSclafani decide to run against Rob Stanley in two years, don't think this won't come up.

I know, I know, you say, "But Helena, two years is a long time, and people forget."

First, I say, "shut up, stupid voices in my head!"

Then, I say to you, "yes, people do forget, but then again, that is why there are people like me. "

To help remind you.

'Cause I have to,... and I should... and I will.

On to other news...

Looks like this bitterly cold weather, while a pain (literally and figuratively for some), has been a blessing for the local skiing centers. Belleayre has been packed with a creature known as "skiers" also known as "outdoors men, sports enthusiasts", etc. I've never seen one up close, but I here tell that they are quite healthy and have a ruddy complexion from the cold and sun ( I get it from Reserva and mint schnapps). They also spend money on food and stuff locally, so I say we pass legislation to protect this creature, whether or not they really exist (hey ,they did it for Bigfoot).
So, good for our local economy! I've been thinking of luring some of my golf course childhood friends up to slide down the mountain on their asses...for a price of course. Ain't nothin' I wouldn't do for my town!

Now, if only we could fix that damned pesky sewage problem, we'd be set.

2010 is already looking up!

Hooray!!! Life lessons part 1

Well, it finally happened. Lesser Helena 2.o and the fake Fanci Colon have gone "underground" finally! They now reside in the seedy underbelly of blogdom where they belong. My peeps tell me that if one were to try to look at the site, you must become a member. So, the handful of people who had a morbid curiosity about what these half wits posted, will now have to get their kicks elsewhere. And for the five loyal followers (tools) who still read it, they have the privilege of knowing they are among an honored few. Okay, I choked on that "honored" part.

On another note, the blogger ranted on their other blog site (geez, I can't keep up) that they are FURIOUS about me having a facebook page, and about how some of my new friends are now questionable in her eyes because they have friended me. Just before that, she had spouted on about how it was everyone's right to speak out, and so on, and people should have the freedom to be involved (a privilege she fought to stifle for others), etc. Now apparently, people should not have the ability or freedom to be on my friend list. Well, perhaps they would friend you too if you requested. Maybe they just find me funnier than you.

But pleasssssssse explain why they should be considered bad people now that they have friended me? Just because you don't like me, doesn't mean others will share your opinion. See, that is freeeeeedom, sweety. Power to choose. I had to turn down some friend requests because I simply don't know many people in this town and question their intentions. And while we are on the subject, the blogger mentions that two of the people I have friended have been very nice to her.

Here is where she gets confused.

People are nice because it is the courteous thing to do. Maybe parents failed you in this part of life lessons, as you have a tendancy to be somewhat unkind to those around you, even when they are courteous to you. Let me help you here.

Sometimes, people are nice simply because it is the right thing to do. This does not mean, however, that they desire the gesture to be taken as anything more.

Next week's blog we will focus on good touch, bad touch, so be sure to tune in.

Again, all I read in this blog is "feel sorry for me", a constant habit of playing victim. This is a somewhat unforgiving and tiresome way to slink through life, especially when you continue to curse so many with your poison pen and acid tongue. I also don't remember anyone putting the blame squarely on her shoulders for that anti-Jane letter (just her knowing about it and promoting it, as she admits on her site), but she seems to want to put focus on herself in that (or any) situation, as long as it is as a victim.

An unapologetic way to be.

There was also a comment about my blog apparently stating she or her family should be harmed.

BULLSHIT.

Helena does not now, nor has she ever,promoted violence. I promote truth and openness in our government. But here once again, the other blogger is trying to stifle my own freedom of exercising my right to disagree with her on political views, by making outrageous claims. I would state, however, someone should ban you from your computer as you're an ignoramus with far too much time on your hands and little knowledge of the things going on around you.

P.S. I would also promote Absolute Vodka if their marketing department would return my calls.

So, whether or not I do make more than four or five friends, or if I lose them all for fear the other blogger will begin to make trouble for them at their place of employment (as she has in the past) I will still have fun with it. Come to think of it, maybe those that have friended me, should consider removing themselves from my list, for their own professional safety. I would not want you to have to face the harassment that others continue to endure. I will continue to write, even if it is for my own pleasure and I'm the only one reading...because sometimes I'm a funny bitch (and sometimes, like today, I'm a bit preachy), and we all need a good laugh every once in a while.

And learn take your own advice, other blogger, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." You say the words, you write them down, but you don't seem to understand the meaning behind them, otherwise, your mouth would be shut, Miss "stone thrower" as you know better than anyone, the awful things you've done to people.

Till next time, chirruns.

Of Mice and Morons

Class act that he came to be known, Mr. Peter DiSclafani left office with the same modicum of dignity that he began with. Anyone looking to find information from the Town of Shandaken web site will be sorely disappointed, as the former supervisor's wife seems to have neglected to give the incoming Supervisor or anyone at town hall access to the town web site. Instead, one finds on the hijacked site, a self serving letter pretty much stating that nobody but Peter (her hubby, which she neglects to mention) thanked her for all the work done on the site, and until Rob thanks her, she ain't letting it go. Look here for a great read, but grab your tissues. You've been warned. Seems the page was profesh-uh-mally designed for free. If any of you recall the former site, compare it to this one. I think we pretty much got what we paid for. Real class, kids, realllll class. If they were more reflective people, they might realize that this is a perfect example of exactly why Rob is now Supervisor and Peter was not reelected.
Hey new Supervisor, don't cry your pretty little eyes out. You can always purchase a new domain name. A few suggestions (yeah, unless you're new here, you knew this was coming- and if you're new, welcome, where have you been?)

1. www.peterdoesntlivehereanymore.gov
2. www.oleblueeyesisinchargenowbitch.gov
3. www.wearenotnewarkbutalmostascorrupt.gov
4. www.givememydomainbackbitch.us
5. www.shitdaken.us

and my personal favorite:
6. www.youlostgetoveritandgivememydomainbackbitch.us

So, it was no surprise to any of my beh-behs when the freak show came to the Monthly Town Board Meeting show last night. Remember that I predicted it! Former Supernard Pete DiFluffy sat in the audience (of course he did, what else was he going to do, what with no restaurant business) smirking and generally behaving as he did while in office (i.e. bored and confused). It has become a tradition of single term Supervisors (i.e.- anyone named Pete) to continue to show up at Town board meetings, as they don't understand that they actually lost the election. I think the reason in part is because they did no work to speak of while in office, so to sit and still do no work is a rather nasty habit for them, one they can't break. Much like my Robert Mondavi Merlot and Desperate Housewives habit that will follow me to the grave (Damn you Bree and your perfect life).

Now on to the drama of the evening...the museum.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, because I do drink a lot, but this museum is important and must be opened four days...why?

Actually, it isn't even opened the days it is supposed to be already, so why so much fuss, Madame Director? Because you might actually be getting paid for the time you do (or don't) actually put in? I know it's a struggle to have to take off that bath robe and slippers and shut off that Jerry Springer show, and schlep the 72 steps to work, but bitches got to eat too, right?

I have an idea that will save the town money, and actually make it money in the process. We can purchase one of the public restrooms like they have in New York City, and place all of the museum contents in it. You know the kind, you put in two quarters, and for 20 minutes the "room" is yours, then after you finish, you step out, and the door locks behind you, filling the room with steam and solvents to clean away the stank of city scum. We could do that with the museum. If say, someone feels they absolutely must get in to see Shandaken's oldest spatula, they put in two quarters, grab a pamphlet, give themselves a "self-guided" tour, and then exit the pod, and any proof of their visit will be removed immediately after. BAWOOSH!

Another way to save around $11,000.00.
Just close the effing museum.

It would appear to me that a town entity that is causing so much grief, costing tens of thousands a year to run, and not even a necessary part of the town's structure, doesn't appear to be worth the hassle.

Or, perhaps they just need to change personnel. Yeah, that might help. ALOT!

And speaking of town entities...

Helena, sitting in her finest taffeta, and sipping Bailey's on ice, laughed her ass off at the t.v. when the group of museum mummies (Board of directors and close personal friends of the Director) claimed they have independent non-profit status, and choose their own board members. Not letting this misinformed cadre of misfits and their stylish (read: outlandish) comments get by without notice, former candidate for town board, the lovely lady Pat Ellison, asked if they were actually a 501 (c) 3?

"Uhhhhh. Well, we have that status under the Town's FIN #".

Sooooo, you're not really your own entity, and you report to the town board, sooooooooo...

Correct me if I'm wrong kittens, but wouldn't it make sense that the town board itself should be appointing the board members. Not like this is some independent corporation with its own FIN and tax exempt number reporting only to the charities bureau. This is a department in the town of Shandaken government, yet it serves at the pleasure of itself. Hahahahahah, I said "pleasure itself!"

I say town government needs to pull in the reigns of this bastard step-child of a department and give someone a spanking, PRONTO!

A final note on the Director of the museum. She made a point of accusing the Executive Director of the SHARP Committee of stealing and opening Museum mail. Is someone needing some attention again? What? Did Avon stop calling?

Is the SHARP director that bored? Is there not much out there that needs fixing in the town of Shandaken that she needs to do this to occupy her time?

Right.

So we're supposed to believe that SHARP is being all EVIL again, and they are after the museum bank statements for the purpose of destroying everything within it. Paranoid much? Bitch needs to be medicated STAT!

STAT is medical term for "Like, get her some lorazepam Fucking now"!!!

Okay Chirruns, it's time for dinner (Pasta LaVodka, followed by an irish coffee for dessert- if you really must know) so Helena must bid you farewell for now.

P.s. For those of you who asked about the comment status of this blog, yes, please do leave one, and it will be posted. I apologize as I neglected to check to see if there were any for a while. The reason for the comments now being moderated is because some anonymous (ahem, rhymes with fairy) person was leaving vulgar comments using a town resident's name along with the New Supervisor's, and town clerk's name. Yup, reallll class!

Later beh-behs.

The very first episode of The Town of Shandaken Monthly Meeting Show will be airing live, Monday night, January 4th, 2010. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, "Woohoo!" A newly elected council (save for holdovers Snoris, Timmy, and Vin) will be dealing with many many resolutions at the start of business for the new year. Probably 20 resolutions or so (eleventy-seven for those Peter holdouts) will be gone through during the evening's proceedings. Look for special guest stars, I'm sure there will be plenty.

Sales of torches and pitchforks have increased in town, as rabid residents get ready to tar and feather any member of council that attempts to drag their fair berg into the 20th century (yes, I know we are in the 21st century, see where I'm going with this?).

Convenience, infrastructure, lower taxes, and basic services are not something that transplants want while living here. Damn it, they moved here for the distressed ambiance and they will stab anyone who attempts to cover those pot holes that make their road look quaint and old fashioned. Hell, I say cut off their water supply while you're at it, and they can also have that distressed aroma to go along with the ambiance. See, I'm always trying to help. I got your back, city bitches!

I think Mr. Stanley will work well with all of the councilmen up there now. Having suffered the slings and arrows of the last four years, and in particular the last two, Mr. Stanley surely is used to difficulties on the job. His biggest challenges are yet to come, however, as I predict that the psychologically disturbed individuals that have exhausted every town resident and every legal channel with lawsuits to stop everything revolving around progress, will once again be present and vocal at every meeting as they:
1. Don't have jobs
2. Don't have a life
3. Don't have enough Cabo Wabo in the liquor cabinet

What are they afraid of?

Progress, of course. They can't function in the real world, so they found this little darkened blot on the map, a blot that didn't even see real cable television until 1994. It was a safe hiding place. When sunlight was threatening to peek in, they began a law suit and the sun moved to Delaware County. Helena came here for the lack of golf courses (you know of my childhood misery), men with at least one wood chipper in their yard, people who say "all's I know", and the lack of accountability in wardrobe choices.

So, to Mr. Stanley, the best of luck, you have your work cut out for you. Crazed sun fearing albinos will try to unseat you, but hang in there sunshine, you're gonna make a difference anyway. Might I suggest a Valium before each meeting? A port wine chaser should also be applied. Or, perhaps this little spray might help...


Later my bitches!

P.S. Those nasty rumors that have been circulating around about me...well, they're true. Yes, I have pleasured Tiger Woods on more than one occasion. But I swear, it stopped when he got married. I'm a bitch, but I'm no ho!