Come on, spelunking requires way too much equipment!

Continuing on with the Exposes of special interest groups, this week we look at two. The first, being the ‘Save the Mountain’ crazies.

Yes, save the mountain indeed. It really needs saving. It is in danger of becoming only a ‘hill’ and losing its ‘mountain’ status in the world geography books.

Anytreehugger, if you check this “band of extremists’’ site, and click on their “mission”, you actually find they don’t have one. Odd. Because, if they were to really list what their mission is, it would say something like, “Our mission is to protect what the small group of us has already bought into by keeping anyone else from getting their own piece of the pie. We also strive to make life hell on earth for those already here before us, by any means possible, but mostly through lack of development and sustaining jobs, thereby forcing them all to just go away and never darken our corridor again.” But if they were to write that down, it would look bad, right?

So on their mission page, they instead do the tattle-tale method of listing who’s hell bent on destroying the mountain by means of tourism growth, and encourage you to write to them and tell them to fu@* off!

I don’t know, they have really opened my eyes to the dangers that the mountain is facing. I mean, if too many fat skiers are on that mountain at once, it would become a crater. Then we have to change all of our promotional materials from “come ski Belleayre” to “come spelunk Belleayre”. That is going to cost god knows how many dozens of dollars to do! Geez people, go on a diet already!

Next, is ‘Friends of Catskill Park’ a lunatic run “organization” with a membership of one. With the amount of crazy bitches running around this town, you would think there was going to be more of a membership.

They don’t even have a site.

‘Nuff said

So, I thought I would start my series of exposes on some of the candidates running for office next week, but before I do so, wouldn't it be awesome to just highlight some of the more unusual characters not running in the town of Shitdaken?

Today, we look at the Catskill Heritage Alliance. Made up of the friends of the friendless, you know, those that have no friends because they have:
-No personality
-No Booze
-No chance in hell of me ever liking them (you know, because of the personality thing, I have my own booze)

They meet each month in the Pine Hill Community Center (Hey, where does the Community Center get funded from? Does the Town fund them? If so, why come government is supporting a special interest group?).

Anyhippy, As you may or may not know, the Pine Hill Community Center is the hub for the friendless fugglies. A place where fugs and trolls alike can gather and meet in the safety net of their common interests in NIMBYisms.

So far, the Catskill Heritage Alliance's accomplishment is that they have successfully kept economic development out of our area, and thwarted a guaranteed easier way of life for full time residents. They have successfully defeated job creation, financial stability, and that nagging, pesky work force housing that is so needed. Yea! Go Team!

I wish that Richard Dreyfuss would run down main street with a plate of mashed potatoes shaped like Mount Tremper, urging the nimbiciles to follow him to the mother ship. Don't laugh, you know those bitches would follow. Lemmings, every one of them. They're the kind of people who would make the late Reverend Jim Jone's man-titty nipples hard. Ahhh, yes, drink my children, drink.

The Catskill Heritage Alliance,or as I'm gonna call them from now on, Nimbicilian (quicker to type) says on their web page that their mission is:

"To promote the revitalization of our diverse communities and the preservation of our open spaces"
Uhm... how do you propose to do that? Artist and garden tours are only gonna bring so many gay couples here, trust me, they have better places to go. And just how do you "revitalize" an area without economic growth?

"To support sustainable economic growth that will retain local talent and maintain our way of life"
Uhm...first, you have to actually have "sustainable economic growth" to sustain it, and since you've already made sure that no economic growth will ever darken our corridor...no brainer, right? Don't even get me going on local talent. Every time I try to display my talent in town, Officer Neher makes me close up shop (my overcoat) and move along! Manbitch! Oops, I mean Officer Manbitch!

"To advance development that helps our hamlets thrive"
Yeah, right

"To protect the unique wilderness environment that is the region’s abiding treasure and its most reliable economic engine"
You seeing a pattern here? Nimbicilian are experts at speaking in circles. You suspect they're saying something, but you're not quite sure exactly what the frig they're saying.

"To serve as a resource for information about life inside the ‘Blue Line’"
What the Fu@* is the 'blue line'? I've heard of 'blue balls', 'blue movies', 'blue moon', the 'blues', but 'blue line? Last I knew, that was a subway in Cali. See what I mean, now they're just makin' shit up!

"To keep our Catskill heritage — and to keep it vital "
Now these bitches are just getting corny. I've translated this line for your convenience, and it says in real people speak, "to buy up each parcel of land and drive the rest of the population out because they are leaving a smelly carbon foot print."

and last but not least...

"To motivate young people through our scholarship program"
Look on their site, and no where does it show a link or give information on how to apply for this awesomely alleged scholarship.

Kiddies, these people are the products of parents who would not let them watch t.v. as kids. Instead of beautiful television, these bitches where forced to clean out their parents bongs and listen to Peter, Paul and Mary vinyls. So be careful with your chillens, love them and for the love of God, let them watch 'American Idol' once in a while.

Nighty-nite!

The babies be cryin' now!

I'm holding my sides, feeling the splitting pain from uncontrollable laughter!

Helena is so sorry for being away for several days. I was coming home from the liquor store and thought I was being followed, so naturally, I had to perform covert operations ( as you do) to shake my tail. This lasted several days.

Turns out it was my boat trailer still attached to my car. Phew! Hey, a girl can't be too careful...don't judge me.

So, my sources tell me that a couple of unexpected things happened during the Republican caucus, but not with who the candidates would be. Instead, two things happened that could not be anticipated.

Thing #1: The Windowlickerdellas stayed away. They did not come to back an opponent to Rob, Jack and Pat. They did not come to posture and intimidate voters at the last minute.

Thing #2: Eric Hoffmiester did not get the expected Republican nod for Highway Superintendent, his attempt was blocked by former Superintendent Keith Johnson. THAT WAS SHOCKING. And ironic, don't you think? Considering that Eric unseated Keith in the last election, and now Keith seems to have a fighting chance against Eric. Nothing against Eric, mind you, Helena just can't see the logic in attempting to run for a position that lasts only two years, and then have to spend half of the last year campaigning instead of actually working at the job! I've had drunken highs last longer than some of these elected positions. And then again, I've seen some elected officials high longer than they had positions. Sorry, the Cuervo is talking again. I'll make it shut up.

My understanding was that the Windowlickerdellas were supposed to show up and endorse Eric. What a letdown. I hope Eric knows who to blame for that one! Yup, the Brothers Windowlickerdella, or as they shall be known from now on in my blog, thing 1 and thing 2.

Anydoctorsuess, I thought about what the reaction was at the Democratic camp the next morning.

"Did you hear, their caucus went without a hitch, everyone was on board with the "plan", (except the Eric thing, of course), so now what will we do?"
"Yeah, they had unity and calm, no upsets (except for the Eric thing) or disruptions!"
"Rob, Jack and Pat spoke eloquently and made no outrageous promises!"
"Yeah, and they're soooooo good looking... We're fu--ed!"

So, my question is this, kiddies...
what happened to make Thing 1 and Thing 2 NOT show up?

Well, a little birdie whispered in my ear and told me a story. This story was one of greed and corruption (as they always are with thing 1 and thing 2).

Thing 1 and thing 2, both adept at playing both sides of the fence, are doing just that. Too arrogant to see the backlash that is happening against them town wide, they have been making promises to candidates on both sides ,assuring candidates that an endorsement from them is an assured win in the elections (couldn't be further from the truth, but then again, that depends on those truth you believe, right?) and as for Highway Superintendent, they could care less who gets it, they have more at stake with the other positions open in town. Thing 1 has been trying to court Councilman Stanley for some time now, but that idea blew up in their face when an off the cuff remark was made about Councilman Stanley's Dad by Thing 2. Well, seems they are still trying to court Republican candidates secretly, while still cozying up to the "train wreck" that is Towm & Snoris' re-election bid. Seems that after their super secret democratic meetings in the back of their famously renowned mexitalian restaurant, they are making phone calls to the Republican candidates to feed them information. Seems they are hoping enough influence either way, and no matter who wins the election, they are guaranteed that their wishes will be fulfilled. Whoever controls the water (or shitters)...controls the town. right?

So how ever are Towm and Snoris supposed to overcome this cancer that has infiltrated their camp? Uhhh, they're not supposed to sillies. Let nature take it's course.

Let the crying commence.

You gotta love Phoenicia Mafiapolitics!

Who's your Superman

With the election quickly approaching and the plague that is the DiSclafunny administration coming to a close I thought it wise to sit down with a bottle of Courvoisier, and go over the list of attributes and deficits of the candidates. It was enlightening. Please…enjoy.

Councilmen Candidates

Jack Jordon

Employment: Former school administrator, part time ski instructor, semi-retired.

Marital Status: Happily married

Attributes: Jack has been on the scene locally watching the travesty unfold before our eyes. Jack’s background in administration on a large scale more than qualifies him for the day to day administration of a small town. Jack knows his way around a FOIL request and is not afraid to ask the tough questions over and over again, even when he knows he isn’t going to get an answer. He and his wife are active in local civic events and enjoy outdoor activities when time allows. Jack has taken the time to study town law. Jack has pretty blue eyes. Come on, like you never noticed, Bitches!

Deficits: Jack is not as well known as some of the other candidates. He needs to get out more in the public eye and not just at board meetings. Unless he brings a cream pie to each meeting and threatens to throw it at Peter! People would remember that!

Superpower: Has the ability to get under Pete’s skin, and cause his mustache to twitch uncontrollably. Also has above average intelligence.

Pat Ellison

Employment: Currently a practicing attorney. Well, she is beyond practice at this point, she probably has it all down-pat by now.

Marital Status: Single and LOVING it! Girlfriend is one bitchin’ catch for any upwardly mobile professional, mentally stable man.

Attributes: Her knowledge of Law can be a benefit in keeping the town from its current trend of a continued ability to rack up legal fees and place them on the shoulders of the tax payers. Pat is a resident of Phoenicia and has been active in the community for some time. A former member and officer of the Shandaken Democratic Club, she takes a common sense approach to all issues in the town. Which is why she is seeking an endorsement from parties other than her much loved but misunderstood Democratic Party. Locally, extremists have infiltrated and disrupted the calm and order of the once noble local party and have replaced it with vitriolic “nimbiciles “, pushing out the sane member s of the party. Their stance of “Not in my new neighborhood that I bought into” attitude has made people like Pat realize that all residents, regardless of party affiliations, must work together to rid the town of the evil forces that have swept us up. God, I hope her car is one of those transformers thingies and will turn into an idiot detector/dispatcher.

Deficits: Just as Jack, Pat is still not well known. Leave it to classy calm people to not get noticed. Pat needs to speak up more at town board meetings. She too, should bring a cream pie.

Superpower: Her way above average intelligence is a threat to 4 out of 5 board members and her presence alone at the monthly meetings sends chills down Snoris’ backside. She also has the ability to have great hair everyday of the week. Let me see a mere mortal female do that!

Doris Bartlett (Snoris Barflett)

Employment: Part time Councilman, part time tax preparer, part time party girl (you know it, don’t pretend! Doris and I once downed a bottle of JD together and spent the night prank calling Maurice Hinchey and requesting federal funds to start a summer camp for disabled feline youth.)

Marital Status: Widowed. No joke here, nothing funny about losin’ your ‘boo.

Attributes: She doesn’t say mean things to people’s faces, only when they have turned their backs and are out of ear shot she talks shit about them. That is some new kinds of classy. She doesn’t cause meetings to go on and on and on. She brings candy and liquor to meetings, but she doesn’t’ share, so that is only a halftribute.

Deficits: She listens to Kathy Nolan, Mary Herrmann, Peter DiModica, Pater DiSclafuggly, doesn’t actively participate in open discussion, doesn’t know or, attempt to learn, town law, doesn’t share her liquor with others at meetings (you know that pisses Helena off more than anything), votes on an agenda and not what is best for ALL residents.

Superpower: Can thrust a knife in someone’s back without batting an eyelash, all while cracking a cool-ass smile. Watch out mommies and poppies, she will cut a bitch for sure!

Supervisor Candidates

Peter DiSclafani (Saltpeter DiSclafunny, Discflafuggly, Towm, Idiot, and so on)

Employment: co-owns an unsuccessful restaurant with his ball and chain. Works part time as a puppet who poses at a Supervisor.

Marital Status: See above. Also married to the idea that the perfect mustache wax makes all the difference in the world.

Attributes:

Check back later please.

Deficits: Oh God! How long do you have? More importantly, how much liquor do I have left in the cabinet. Hey… are you still trying to think of an attribute? Get over it, stop it, I tried, it won’t work.

-Lied about his stance on the sewer from the beginning,

-twice attempted to pass an illegal farm stand law,

-passed a debris law targeting a specific property in an attempt to confiscate said property so that Bike Windowlickerdella won’t have any future competition for his crappy mexi-talian restaurant,

-held illegal meetings in town hall while under the guise of running an open and honest government

-refused to follow proper procedures when hiring a firm for a reed bed study that the DEP would not ever approve (according to a letter dated back in 2003) and spent over twelve thousand for the study, which did not address key concerns for the DEP and when requested to address said concerns, the firm tried to squeeze more money out of the town to do what they were supposed to do in the first place.

-lied about procedure time and again during the sewer/reed bed issues

-refused to answer the FOIL requests for information regarding the reed bed issue

Oh wait, an attribute of Peter’s is…he’s not Peter Dimodica. THERE! Okay, back to deficits:

-defeated a much needed sewer for the town of Phoenicia

-defeated the flowers in Phoenicia (they weren’t really putting up much of a fight, you know those pansies, they wilt at the drop of a hat).

-defeated clean drinking water in a fully functioning facility in Phoenicia by refusing to accept the EFC’s reopening of the original grant to finish the work needed to be done as it would save the taxpayers money (?) and leave more funds in the coffers for legal fees from the legal battles he has caused.

-Listens to Kathy Nolan’s advice

-Is friends with Mary Herrmann

-Is the victim of an evil mustache that is hell bent on town domination

-illegally purchased a sign to direct business to his restaurant using town funds meant for flowers and possibly senior lunches

-Attempted to force the secretary of the Planning Board to resign, and told everyone she was quitting, so that his friend could have the job.

-Hired his friend Mary Herrmann as museum director. Mary also works for him at his wildly unsuccessful restaurant as a waitress/biker translator

-called the DHCR and claimed that SHARP refused to help Declan Feehan with the Hotel issue

-Had Mary Herrmann call the DHCR in an attempt to have SHARP’s Director fired.

-Is attempting to have the town switch to his own insurance broker in an obvious attempt to get himself a break on his own personal policies.

-The Ferrandino issue- yup, paid the guy for a report he already did and was paid for three years earlier. Double dipping is usually frowned upon, except in the porn industry (there it is a requirement).

-Attempted to muscle his way into the Shandaken Day planning by removing Rob as chairman, in an attempt to distance Rob from the successful yearly event that he and June LaMarca, along with a group of volunteers, put together.

-Shows up on the day of popular events, and makes it look like he actually has a hand in the coordination of it.

-sent out a newsletter telling everyone about all he has done, and when dissected, the newsletter winds up saying ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

-Claimed to be close to a resolution with NYC over the assessment issue. When pressed at a Public meeting about the issue, Peter admitted he was no further along with it than when he first took office.

-Lied about not peeking at the closed bids for the insurance when at the monthly meeting he disclosed he did not need to see the papers right there and then, as he had “already seen them.”

Jesus, I know there is much much more, but my head is spinning from the deficits! Or is it the ‘Goldschlager’? I ran out of the Courvoisier around “listens to Kathy Nolan’s advice.”

Superpower: Has the ability to break the law, be called on it, but still do it again and again. His ability to never learn from his mistakes is astounding.

Rob Stanley (No nickname yet hmm, Helena is sad)

Employment: Plumber by day (and night) and councilman by night (and day)

Marital Status: Single and kickin’ it playah style (don’t tell his girlfriend, and don’t try to lay a hand on him either, she will cut you sideways, bitches!)

Attributes: He is “manpretty”. Don’t act like you don’t notice. His eyes are as blue as…well, as blue as Jack’s, frankly. Wait, they’re as blue as a bottle of Bombay Sapphire. Yes, Helena likes, she likes a lot. Bombay, that is, don’t get me in trouble with his lady friend. Anyhornydrunk, Rob is smart, and is unique on that board in that he actually reads the town law, studies it, you know, like it might come in handy one day. He also attends the courses given by the associations of towns (something Saltpeter has never done) in case he needs to know something about proper procedure or some other stuff that might come up and would benefit the town to have at least one elected official know shit from shine-ola (I once ate shine-ola on a dare. Tastes like chicken). He is the most experienced person on the board right now and the most knowledgeable. On any given day, you will find Rob at his regular job, and in between jobs, he is doing councilman things. He addresses issues on a daily basis. He knows where the recreation balls are kept. Because he is active in Rec., get your mind out of the gutter! He knows where all the water lines are, can fix a leak, can recite Shakespeare, knows about tertiary treatment systems, can probably spell tertiary too. Puts together the Shandaken Day events with lots of help. Works tirelessly on all town issues. Has no evil mustache guiding him. Doesn’t take credit for shit other bitches do. Keeps his cool under pressure (and sitting next to Peter that is no small accomplishment, Bitch would be dead already if Helena sat where Robby sits) Assists with Grant writing, contributes to numerous committees. Accomplishes things instead of working at breaking down the system of cooperation like his nemesis.

Superpower: He might be Superman, I’ve never seen them both in the same place at the same time, and would you be able to recognize Rob without his baseball cap? Didn’t think so. Clark Kent, table for one?

So, have I given you enough to chew on?

Awesome video

Mark your calendar for 7/15/09

Last Wednesday night, Helena was sitting in her favorite drinking chair, and crying into her pitcher of Alabama Slammers, thinking that she had a whole nuther month to wait until her favorite t.v. show came back on.

But alas, as reported late last week, Helena's favorite show, is having a special showing this Wedsnesday at 3pm. The Town of Shandaken Monthly Meeting show, or as ABC calls it, "lost", will be having a special presentation.

T.V. Guide reports this episode will be about Insurance fraud and Collusion. They also promise some surprises as well, though they were careful not to spill any beans.

I haven't been this excited since Abby Cunningham moved to Seaview Circle on "Knots Landing" back in the day.

Don't miss this episode People! If it isn't broadcast on t.v., well, you'll just have to drive to the "Set" and watch the production for yourself. They might do a dry run early on (it's like a dry hump, only less satisfying, and no after-hump cocktail) so don't be late!!!

I'm already picking out my wardrobe! I wonder, will anyone on the board get an Emmy nod for their performances?

P.S. Remember to byob. They really should let people drink at those meetings don't you think? Everyone would look more attractive (except Rob, the law of intoxication states that objects that are attractive to begin with become less so after 4 ounces of liquor) and maybe everyone would get along...
...unless they just simply have a knock down drag out all hell broke loose frigin' brawl, in which case, that's good too. I loves me some brawls.

the Top ten reasons why Rob Stanley, Jack Jordan, and Pat Ellison will win the election.

10. Because Kathmandu will be caught perpetrating voter fraud by registering facial hairs already registered to vote in another State

9. Peter and Doris will accidentally be removed from the ballot and replaced with Malia and Sasha Obama.

8. Randy Ostrander will declare war on Woodstock, destroying the democratic ticket.

7. Peter Dimodica will challenge Saltpeter DiSclafunny at the caucus, only to find out he is still the most unpopular man in Shandaken

6. Let’s face it, Rob, Jack and Pat are WAYYYYY more attractive than Pete, Doris and…Randy?

5. A reading comprehension test will sideline Peter, and cause him to miss the Democratic caucus

4. The Windowlickerdellas will throw their support behind Peter…subsequently assuring a victory for Rob, Jack and Pat.

3. No one wants to hear Kathy Nolan say “Pete’s doing a great job” for two more years.

2. No one wants to watch Peter give snarky sideways glares, and swing his feet while sitting in his chair for two more years.

And the #1 Reason?

1. Rob, Jack and Pat are simply better suited and will do a better job!

Election Day is just around the corner…Be very afraid.

things and stuff

Life. Everything breaks down into lessons learned. Helena wishes she paid more attention in school to lessons, but she was too busy smoking in the boys room…ah, did I say boy’s room? I meant girls room…Alright, Helena wasn’t above a little creepy-peeking back then, but who wasn’t? Poor Helena got caught smoking in school more often than Saltpeter has been caught in a lie while in office (yes, THAT many times) but I eventually quit after my school principal caught me lighting up, unaware of his presence. His big beautiful purple eyes (did I mention what I was smoking?) staring daggers at me. So, I quit none too soon, as it allowed me to grow to become the voluptuous 6’5” Amazon goddess that I am today. Thank you Mr. School principal. Thank you kindly…and no I won’t join you for a drink after class.

Anypedophile, back to lessons. Some of the basic, yet neccessary lessons Helena learned while growing up can be summed up into the following:

Lesson #1- What is “Honor”

Honor isn’t a name a celebrity gives their new born child. “Apple” and “Citron” are celeb-u-baby names. Honor is a code you follow in life…until you’re elected Stupervisor. After you’re elected Stupervisor, you take honor, along with integrity, ball it up into the size of a hair scrunchy, and throw it out the window.

Lesson #2- Don’t mess with the “Funky cold medina”

For reals- that shit will knock a bitch on her ass. I once had that wonderful fruity peachy concoction and went home with who I thought was a ripped stud. Turned out to be Rip Torn. Eh, he was okay I guess , but, we’re not hosting an intergalactic kegger here (sorry I couldn’t resist a ‘men in black’ reference).

Lesson #3- Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty.

Nuff said on that one. Now, good luck with that jar of olives. Your martini won’t be the same without one.

Lesson #4- Think positively

Smile, and the whole world smiles with you, Cry…and you’ve probably just realized your only friends in the world are Merry vermin (Marryy Herrmmaann) and Kathy(I have an answer for everything because I have a BS in everything) Nolan.

Lesson #5- Every community has the “special people” who are treated with respect to their face, but mocked behind their backs, their sense of self a bit askew.

The Windowlickerdellas are our “special people” and must remain as such otherwise they will serve no purpose and will implode. Let them continue to believe they run the town, for their own safety.

Please commit these lessons to memory, there will be a test later.

-Helena