A new show is coming to town, but it's a one trick pony!

Helena is so excited to hear that the dating game is coming to Shandaken! Okay, so it's not the actual dating game. It's a debate being hosted by the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Ahhh, alright, it's hosted by the League of Women Voters, but they are Extraordinary Women (not to be confused with the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, a trademark of Wildstorm/DC Comics, all rights reserved).

On Saturday, October 17th starting at 1:30pm, Town Hall will be the scene of a debate between Democratic contenders Peter "the 'stache" DiSclafluffy, Snoris "the boris" Barflett, and newcomer Barbara Redbarnstormer, and challengers Rob "pretty boy" Stanley, Jack "all work and no play" Jordan, and Pat "brainiac" Ellison.

Now, I'm not sure if it will be televised or not, but Helena is pressing her prettiest dress for this one folks. This promises to be a day to remember. Do you suppose the questions will mirror those from the Dating Game?
" If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be"?
Nah, maybe it would be more along the lines of something from Hollywood Squares?

In that case, I'll take Paul Lynde for center square please! No one can make me laugh like the late great Paul Lynde. That Bitch passed too soon. And here is a little ditty from the original show
Peter Marshall: "Paul, does a female frog croak?"
Paul Lynde: "If you hold her little head under water long enough she does."

I'm holding my shot of Reserva up to you, my heavenly homie Paul! You go boy!



And now a few October predictions from groovy 70's spicy God:

October proves to be a groovy month, my children. Though you've become accustomed to backwards ways, you will soon see changes in the way your town is run.

First, at the debate, someone will shart themselves...you'll have to guess who, I don't want to ruin the surprise, you know how I am. I'm not vengeful, just playful.
Then, fourteen days after it opens, the Walkway over the Hudson will close as too many people will be using it to jump off of (some with bungee cords, some without).

Maurice Hinchey will be embroiled in a scandal involving Andrew Cuomo. They will be caught attempting to have Governor Patterson knocked off to pave the way for Andrew's bid for his rightful place at Satan's right side. I'll let Satan have Andrew.

Finally, frustrated by a lack of governmental cooperation (notice my co and operation are still together, because I believe in the sanctity of marriage), Chuck Perez decides to begin fixing Route 28 himself, and while cleaning out some of the pot holes, uncovers gold, making himself very rich! Unfortunately, the new budget increases push the property taxes up so high, Chuck is still forced to work seven days a week.

That's it my groovy babies, Keep on truckin' ! Love and Peace,
70's Spicy God.

There you have it my Behbeh's. God has spoken to you directly. Now it's time for sacramental wine.

Get out and support your candidates on the 17th! Don't be lazy...or drunk.

ROCK THE VOTE!

Hahahahahahahahahaha, it's just so ridiculous!

The best piece of entertainment this week, came in the form of a half page ad by our embattled Supervisor in the local rag.

Helena needs to start giving lessons on how to put together political ads. Now, I don't know who wrote this bitch's copy for the ad, but DAMN! Get a thesaurus (most word programs come with them, I know... my drunk ass uses it all the time)

Here are some tips for future ads so that this travesty will not burn our eyes again.

Tip #1: Do not, for the love of all that is holy, feel compelled to use your best Olan Mills pose. Leaning on a chair rail, a wagon wheel, or an anvil is not appropriate. Nor is sitting on a bail of hay or a shag rug, or on a rock in front of a babbling brook, or a passed out drunk (my family portraits were always so awkward) on the floor.Peter used his bestest ever Olan Mills pose. Strike one.

Tip #2: Do not let your friends write your copy. I don't care how many high school newspapers they helped to edit in 1978, they are not writers and they will only make you look like a bigger tard than you already are. Case in Point;
"The art of listening" is the first line. HAHAHAHAHAHHA. This bitch has kept a deaf ear and a blind eye to the troubles of his community.
"the good of the many." WTF? They speak ingerish much goodly. Now that part I actually believe Peter wrote, it sounds like him in a "wordly" way.
"Good Government is the careful balance of providing services and saving money." Uhmmm, we still have no cell service or sewer service, so he must be talking about the lip service he has been providing. Saving money...I don't know where he is going with this one. The Bitch has increased our taxes drastically in the short time he grabbed his box of crayon and took the helm of the SS Shandaken.
"Co-operation."..... ? ....Why was the Co separated from the operation? Did they not get along during the editing process? Is the operation doing its own thing now? Is there dissent in the Democratic party in Shandaken? Someone needs to find out by tracking down either the co or the operation and ask why? Bad grammar, syntax, editing...
Strike Two for Petey.

Ahh, I'm laughing so hard, this really made my day. Helena needed a good laugh after the news that there may be an absinthe shortage in Europe and the Americas. Ah, who needs liquor when you have..."Petuor" By the glass or by the shot, guaranteed a laugh.

Just for the record, I was not co-erced into writing this article. But I was coerced.

Helena is busting a gut laughing!

Aside from the awkward ad, the Pho'town rag was, of course, replete with rag-o-licous crap like "the AG's office does not comment of investigations, real or imagined" as if to dare imply that the investigation that Helena told you about was all in her head. Her large, liquid filled beautiful head. The rag will spend the next several weeks leading up to election day making all kinds of implications about Peter's superpowers and abilities, leading the public to believe that Petey did nothing wrong and is not under investigation. Peter even said in public on the last episode that he WAS NOT under investigation, there was no investigation, and this is just a myth that the Bush administration has perpetuated.

But remember that Peter does lie.

Some past fibs Peter has told the People of Shandaken.

"I've applied for a $600k grant"
"I'm not trying to close down a farm stand"
"I didn't say I applied for $600k grant. It's amorphous"
"I don't know why the taxes went up so high, it was the Accountant's fault"
"I've spoken with the EFC and there is no grant money"
"I spoke with soandso regarding the sewer and they liked reed beds instead"
"NYC will still entertain a reed bed system, so that is why I spent an additional 13k for studies"


Oh, why bother, the list goes on and on.

Lift your glass to Petuor tonight, and thank him for the fun he has given us over the last twenty months (that's purpleteen years in Peter time).

I'm gonna miss that bitch!

Is this the Man who will bring down a SUPERidiot

So there is a rumor going around that the whole issue that Helena snuck to her beloved behbehs is a big fat bold faced lie. No big bad officials are questioning Peter and that there is no investigation. Pete-ard eluded at the last monthly meeting show (in his usual cocky way) that he knew of no such investigation. He tried to make Helena look like an liar liar, plastic pants on fire.

I am not upset, because I understand Peter's inadequacies, and his knowledge curve makes it difficult for him to understand that when he is being questioned, it might be a bad thing and not necessarily a compliment. You see, in order to understand why Pete might not know he is in trouble, you have to think like him. Allow Helena to decipher his knowledge curve for you with a few examples.

Example 1:

The Assistant Attorney General asks Peter if he knowingly committed a felony while serving the town in an official capacity.

What Peter hears: You serve this town in an official capacity and you commit to know things in a melody.

Example 2:
The Assistant AG asks Peter if he understands that selective enforcement is discrimination and grounds for legal action by the complainant and the Department of State.

What Peter hears: You're an enforcer who is very selective with discriminating complaints. Visit the State Department grounds legally.

Example 3:

The Assistant AG asks Peter if he understands the difference between extortion and blackmail.

What Peter hears: You are a black mailman who's torsion is different.

Example 4:

The Assistant AG explains that Peter has been wrong by not following proper procedure and might have gotten himself in a bit of trouble with trying to pass an illegal law.

What Peter hears: You followed the wrong directions, but proceed for a bit or you'll have trouble passing illegals on your lawn.

See, it makes no sense at all to you or I (well, maybe not you, but I've just had my third Mango Mojito, so it's all starting to be clearer to me now) but to Peter, this all has meaning. The fact that someone in an official capacity is paying attention to him, is good. Never mind it could lead to jail time, all the better. A captive audience.

This bitch's mommy didn't hug him enough as a kid.

I'm guessing.

Peter will be remembered as the man who was brought down by a head of lettuce. Well, by a head of lettuce and Al Higley, of course.

Let me break this down in a way you'll understand

Soooo, Peter wants to give raises all the way around? Across the board he says. Never mind that the country, nay, the WORLD is facing an economic crisis, and most people are cutting back, foregoing raises in exchange for being able to keep their jobs, or worse, losing their jobs because of the breakdown in socioeconomic systems globally. Heck, Peter waves his arms in the air, like he don't care (word up!), "let them eat cake!" he says, just like Marie Antoinette. God, I could not resist, a Queen and Cameo reference. Long live the 70's and 80's.




So, while we struggle with the prospect of our next tax bill, lets think about all the departments that are standing with their hands out,

Here, in nut shell is who should and should not get a raise. According to Helena, Queen of Libations and all that is holy in Shandaken.

First, let's look at the Shandaken Ambulance.
They are on the should list.
Helena loves when Mr. Rich Muelllllllelleleleleleleleiieilalalalalala (that is how his name is spelled, right?) shows up at the meetings in his sexy uniform. Not just professional, sex-fessional! Alright,Helena likes to tease, but this is one department they better not cut back on. I don't want some half-assed resuscitation when I choke on my own vomit from one too many martoonies!

These award winning, fine individuals have our very lives in their hands, day in and day out. And their service to the community does not stop there. You will find them volunteering at various events and have put up with a tremendous amount of abuse (at times) from residents. Much like Helena does, only with better uniforms.

Above is a picture of their soon to be retired Ambulance. Now, I don't know if anyone caught this at the last monthly meeting show, but Mr. M (Rich, if you need mouth to mouth) gave the town a letter explaining the need to replace their current ambulance with one from the Ford Fleet Program. Peter looked at the words on the paper, but he really didn't understand them,they were just words to him, so there was not much response. Sweep it under the rug, Pete, just like all the important issues. Helena wants to know why we can't use the good neighbor funds for this? Since we no longer have any good neighbors left, that money should be used for something, right?

Bike Windowlickerdella seems to think that money should stay in there for infinity. Every time the good neighbor fund is mentioned, Bike chimes out, "We can't keep spending that money like it's going to last forever!" But apparently it can last forever. If everyone keeps following Bike's lead, our town will falter, probably dis incorporate, residents will leave, but god damn it that good neighbor fund will still be there, in tact, thanks in large part to Bike Windowlickerdella. That, and the failure of the town as a whole due to the lack of infrastructure, will be Bike's & Pete's legacy. Ill fitted orange shirts and shouting out obscenities at public meetings will be Dick Windowlickerdella's legacy. I understand that Bike is the cheapest sob on the planet but what good is the fund if you don't actually use it? That bitch would rather shit his own pants than pay a quarter to use a toilet.

Okay, back to the subject at hand.

Also on the Should list is the Shandaken Police Department.
Now, I have to admit that they made my should list, but with reservations. My reasons are simple. First, Officer Neher and Officer Ennist completely abuse their authority when it comes to dealing with Helena. Officer Neher never lets me express myself (and by "express myself", I mean he makes me put my clothes back on when walking around my front yard) and Officer Ennist completely lacks compassion when dealing with me (and by "lacks compassion", I mean he makes me climb down from the tree, put my clothes back on, and return my neighbor's weed whacker). Sure, from time to time, I've made one or both cry (I didn't know the bottle opener would end up there) but they are okay guys with a job to do.

Okay, so if we didn't have them to come running when we call, we would have:
1. Sheriff's Department. Ugly brown logos, someone needs to gay them up a bit, work it girls!
2. State Police. Nazi bastards. And by Nazi bastards I mean...Nazi bastards. Nice blue cars and gray uniforms though. They match well, someone totally gayed them up!
3. New York City Cops. DEP, fish cops, etc. Call 'em what you like, I just think they sit around eating packages of Pepperidge Farms gold fish crackers in their cars while listening to death metal music. I don't know why, I just do.

So, I guess if you want Officer Neher and Officer Ennist forcing you to put your clothes back on, and you like listening to them scream "Drop the bottle and come out of that dumpster now!" or "take your hands off of my gun or I'll taser you again!", then fine, let's have them. Let's give them a little more money. But I'm gonna make you work for it boys, and you know it! Tasers on 'ready'!

Now, we get to the real meat and potatoes of the budget. The essential Department. Yup, you know what I'm talking about. That's right...The Museum, without which Shandaken would fold if not for the dedication and hard work of...arhgghghg sdjghasdkfh, shit! I just choked on those words, I thought that was just a saying, but it really can happen!


The Museum director has been working hard. Without fail, two days a week, she rolls at of bed at the crack of noon, yawns, stretches, and gets back in bed until a more "human" hour, and then, if she feels up to it, she might go open the doors, but more likely, she won't. More often than not, complaints have come in to the town hall about the museum not being open when it is supposed to be. Even State officials on visits have made attempts to visit during hours of operation, only to find the hours of operation are only a work of fiction, a web of lies if you will. And those lucky enough to get the director to actually open the doors for them, are subjected to her glares as she sighs loudly, wanting to get back to the realty tv show she left to let them in. If you have not already guessed, this is on my Should not list! Why pay a bitch $11k a year to work four days a year?
Let her go work in Kingston like the rest of us ho's with no special skills, after all, she is against all development, economic, social, mental, anyway.





Okay, the Highway dept. is going to be mentioned here briefly. They get whatever their hearts desire because they are union. I guess we need 'em for road safety, etc. so Helena will cut them a break, except to say some of those bitches that "work" have imbibed more than Helena in her lifetime, and that is a whole lotta imbibing. If you spread the bottles of Jagermeister the road crew downs in a year, it would stretch across the new bullshit walkway over the Hudson that was so important to build, plus make its way down Route 9 to the Dutchess county fairgrounds. That's some imbibing indeed!

By the by, speaking of the Walkway,Thanks Mr. Hinchey, my ass shakes like I'm having a seizure while driving down Route 28, thanks to all the pot holes, but on a lighter note, a bitch can now "walk over the Hudson", ya know, like Jesus did! Thanks Maurice! Thanks so kindly from the people of Shandaken.

Town Clerk: Give this lady a raise. Flat out give her a raise! Laurilyn is Helena's favorite bitch in Town hall! Poor ity-bity has to put up with Peter and Co., all day in town hall (ya know, when he actually shows up) and then she has to sit up at the town board meetings with those clowns and listen to the diatribes for hours. Give her a raise and some liquor, stat! Below is a picture of cute kittens because ever time I hear Laurilyn speak, that is what she reminds me of. Except when she attacks Pete, then she is like one of those cute kittens who's tail you just stepped on and she goes all "ninja cat" on him. I love that!

Not to forget Wendy and Patty, give them a bone too, after all, they have to place all the phone books on chairs for Peter and heat up his kid cuisine lunch everyday!


Now, for the piece de resistance:

The town board.
Better know as Snoris, Tiny Tim, Pete-ard, Rob and Vin.

Snoris Tiny Tim



Vin



Pete-ard



Rob Stanley




You don't know how hard it was for Helena to get all these bitches together for these photos. They all insisted on posing individually, and frankly, no matter how hard I tired, Tiny would not drop that mop! I had to coax Pete with a "little Debbie" cake before he would give up the Elmo Phone. As you can see, these are the individuals who have been running the show...uhm, yeah, I don't buy it either.

So, in previous blogs, we have determined that peter puts in a total of "one billion" hours a week, with time off for naps. Now, how much time do Snoris, Tiny, and Vin put in? In total, combined, they put in two hours a month At public meeting. That is all. Well, not including Snoris' naps at monthly meetings. Now, Rob, he puts in close to purple hours, as he is on twentyteen committees. You would think that the other tardos would see him running around, getting things done (rec. committee, Shandaken Day, etc.) and take part in something. Well, Tiny does attend rec. meetings. In body. But you would think that the Supervisor might actually be hands on with something other than trying to get people fired from other places and attempting to shut down profitable fruit stands. That must really keep him busy! So, 3 quarters (that's eleventeen percent to Peter) of the board deserve zilch. Only one of them works at all. And that bitch is gonna be Supervisor next year, so he is already getting a raise, so that puts the town screw-ups in the Should not list!

Alright my behbehs, I gotta go, I have a dinner date with the Highway crew. What color dress goes with Wild Turkey? Please take a look at the very funny theshandakentruthblogspot.com

And remember, when all else fails, when life looks bleak, pray, because God answers all prayers (this is what God looks like to Helena, in "spicy 70's themed Heaven").

If your life is at its darkest...you should turn the lights on, the days are just getting shorter now!

Happy Autumn my Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you really want this guy doing your assessments?

After what he pulled when he lost his bid for re-election for Supervisor, you would think that people would be smart enough to make sure he doesn't see the inside of Town Hall in any official capacity whatsoever again.

For those of you who have lapses in their memory to challenge the lapses that Helena gets after a night on the town with the witches of Eastwick, I'll remind you of the shenanigans that Mr. DiModica pulled when leaving office.

Mr. DiModica (or, Mr. Clean, if his actions tell you anything), after making the residents of the town pay for an Apple Computer, compatible to NOTHING else in town hall, cleaned out the hard drive, ya know, as you do, leaving the incoming Supervisor with no information at all. A new computer had to be purchased. Cost to the taxpayers? Ah, who cares... as long as we got rid of the bastard!

So, what was Mr. Clean trying to cover-up? Helena thinks he was hiding his other career, as an online sex phone operator. Others have said he was hiding a scheme cooked up by himself and (of course) Kathy Knownothing to take Dean Gitter's properties by eminent domain. Apparently Mr. Clean and Kathy are still under the impression that you can claim eminent domain on a person's property to build a lovely grassy knoll in the center of town. That is the plan for the Phoenicia Hotel sight. Only problem is, it ain't legal! But don't tell Tiny Tim that, he has been telling anyone who will listen that they are going to do just that!

Well, as it happens, after all of this became public knowledge, Mr. Clean became the most hated individual in Shandaken. Fast forward six years, and as often happens, a reviled politician will always sneak his way out of the rat hole,and make his presence known. Lucky for Mr. Clean, his newly made friend, and current Crayon King, Peter Diwhyaretheyalldisomethingnames, hand picked him to take a position being vacated by Rose Rotella. You know, instead of waiting the fifteen minutes until the elections happen, so Mr. Clean can get some time in snooping in the files, picking the two Peter's enemies files, and figuring ways to screw them. Of course, Peter D. handpicking Peter D. (confused yet?) does not guarantee him a win in November. After all, he still is THE MOST HATED MAN IN SHANDAKEN.

As far as Assessors go, Helena is going with the Lady who always dresses like Donna Reed, Joanne Kalb, and I'm also throwing my vote to the cute little silver teddy bear they call John Horn. Johnny Horn and JoJo will be my bitches in November! They get my vote because:

1. JoJo dresses like she is going to a fancy function all the time. She never dresses down. She works in finance, volunteers on the planning board, is a member of Rotary (I think they are either a boating click or plumbers of some kind) and she sounds like Fran Drescher.

2 Johnny Horn was the Mayor or ruler of some little town in Westchester or middle earth, and he knows a thing or two about town government...granted, he knows a thing or two about functioning town government, but he will adjust fine to our dysfunctional ways.

okay these two are not JoJo and Johnny, but you feel me?

These two have it all over Mr. Clean and...who the hell else is running? Eh, who cares. JoJo and Johnny are taking this one!!!

Who are you voting for?

Bike Windowlickerdella says Olive was bamboozled!

This past Monday, on my favorite show's near finale, Shandaken Supervisor Pete-ard DiSclafuggly asked his fellow town crowned rulers if they thought perhaps it would be a good idea to put the sewer issue into the hands of The CWC since he f@*!#% it up royally, and let them work their magic like they did with the Town of Olive. All but one seemed convinced it was the way to go, and all nodded their heads in agreement, except Tiny Tim who kept his eyes glued on the audience, transfixed by Bike Windowlickerdella's glare. Bike, Tiny's boss and own personal brain trust of one, quickly gave Tiny a few hand signals, and Tiny nodded his head no, never once losing his eye-lock with Bike. Peter, attempted to explain to Tiny the situation, that he thought he would grab one of his crayons and simply write a letter to the CWC, ya know, for shits and giggles. Tard should have realized this was going to be difficult as Tiny has what my granny liked to refer to as, a "knowledge curve" and really didn't even know where he was at that moment. This was evident when I sat dumbfounded as Tiny struggled to read through the longest resolution of the night, stumbling over common words like a drunk (Helena) stumbles through the yard after a fifth of jack (Daniels, not Jordan) and a bottle of benedryl. And why do they always give that boy the longest resolutions to read? Entertainment at its best!

Bike Panics at this point, and shouts out, "the sewer was Forced on Boiceville!"

Chuckles and out and out guffaws were heard, as audience members smiled and shook their heads, a few yelled back, "They voted on it!" To which Bike replied, "Yeah after only one meeting!"

So, my question is, how many meetings does it take to get to the center of a sewer vote?

I decided to pose my question to someone who would know for sure. So Helena called the Supervisor of the town of Olive to get to the heart of the matter, and the following is a transcript of our phone conversation:

Helena: Mr. Leifeld, I wanted to ask you about the sewer that is currently underway in Boiceville,and how it all came about.

Berndt Liefeld: Well, it was simple. The City was offering one, we needed one to be able to compete economically, so we called the CWC, they facilitated the procedure, held a couple of town wide meetings to inform the people, gave them all literature, held a vote, and it was voted in by the people.

Helena: But why only a few meetings?

Berndt: Because that was all we needed. Why? How many did you have in Phoenicia?

Helena: Never mind, let's move on.

Berndt: I guess people in Olive just think faster on their feet than Phoenicians.

Helena: Moving on, Berndt, Bike Windowlickerdella says that the sewer was forced on your town.

Berndt: Uhh, no.

Helena: Are you sure?

Berndt: Yeah, what is he, a moron? We get a sewer installed for free, and in return, we pay a nominal yearly fee, and get to expand and grow.

Helena: But were the people misinformed about the costs to them? Bike seems to think they were and he says "they'll see, down the line, they'll see."

Berndt: The only thing "they'll see" are the lines forming to get into the Boiceville Macaroni Grill, or see patrons attending the Boiceville Multiplex! See, Boiceville will grow, and sadly, Phoenicia will die. See, we'll be able to have as many restaurants as we want and Phoenicia will still have only....oh, yeah, I see where he's goin' with that.

Helena: Aha.

Berndt: Hey, get me his address, I'll send him an invite to the Macaroni Grill grand opening!

Helena: Yes, and after he removes the forks from his eyes, I'm sure he will ask me to be his escort!





On another note, I am sad to report that Kathy Knownothing has temporarily gone missing. I say temporarily because girls like him always come back, like herpes. An effort to locate her is underway and missing posters with his picture on them have blanketed the area.

have you seen me? If so, Call the Zen Monastery

Kathy was first noticed missing when he failed to attend last Monday's meeting. Search organizers said that all of her dear and close friends will be gathering next Tuesday, and all two of them will begin combing the area (with actual combs). The search will begin at the vacant cell tower in Shandaken, and from there, the group will split up and check all of the possible areas she may be found. It is advised that if you do get the urge to search for Kathy, please look in the following areas:

-Town Hall, behind the false wall in the Supervisor's office. This is where Kathy invisibly pulls the strings for Tardo and makes all of the screwed up decisions this town's tax paying residents have been suffering from.

-Catskill Rose- she has often been seen standing outside in the parking lot in the middle of the night throwing stones at Pete's bedroom window and shouting 'I have a great idea, why won't you listen to me!!!?"

-Under the Mount Tremper bridge. She might be there waiting for a jumper to save.

-In the back corner of the Sportsman's Alamo Cantina waiting for someone to ask for her opinion about anything.

-Under the bridge in Phoenicia, measuring the carbon footprint that tubers have been leaving.

Good luck with that search, Kathy friends, don't give up, you'll find him someday.

The Town Board Meeting Show

Well, it promised to be interesting, and it promised to have special guests...it didn't promise to last till well past Thursday! Damn! In Peter time, this meeting ended at eleventeen o'clock, and bitches were tired when they left.

Let me break it down for you in Helenavision, get your 2-D glasses on.

So it started with a nice man in a nice suit explaining why a sole appointed assessor would be best for the town. He talked on and on and on. He was pretty in a "plain joe" kind of way. I think it was the suit.
Some person still awake in the audience asked who had the idea to go to sole appointed assessor, and current elected chairperson and head assessor Heidi Clark raised her hand indicating she was the one. Later on in the meeting ,the board refused to entertain the notion. Now, I'm not against the idea, as Shandaken in the only town in the northern hemisphere that still employs three plus assessors. However, don't come to the meeting to ask for them to make you the only assessor, then bring some guy from some other town and ask the board to approve that he be paid to help you do your job! Some guy from Plattekill,or some Kill is supposed to help her do commercial assessments. SHE IS OUR ASSESSOR. Ummmm, she should know how to do them, or at least take a course. That has to be wayyyyy cheaper than paying some other bitch to do her job! Nothin' against Heidi mind you, but damn girl, you got brass ones, I'll give ya that!

So, then came the porno portion of the meeting. YES! you read right. Dennis Doyle of the Ulster County Not in my Backyard Planning Dept. brought Brian"where is Shandaken again" Shapiro and Don "what the hell is a shandaken"Greglorious and the three stood up in the front corner and proceeded to kiss each others asses until I started to hear seventies porn music playing in my head bow chicka bow wow !
Dennis: You're so great, Brian and Don, and you too Peter!
Don: You're the most knowledgable of all Dennis.
Brian: No, YOU are Don. You've been trying to get things accomplished for Shandiggin for years..
Peter: Shandaken, you mean Shandaken, Brian.
Brian: Whatever, but Don has been in there, getting down and dirty, working his ass off..
Dennis: Yeah, Don, you look like you could use a back massage
Don: Well I am a little stiff.

Brian: Wink Wink, me too...

bow chicka bow wow




So, after this conflagration was over, Business was back to abnormal.
Peter tried to pass the farm stand law again. I laugh each time. I once had a dog that would always walk into the electrified fence in our yard (kept out the patrone thieves) and no matter how many times he did it, and knew what was going to happen to him, he still did it! It's kinda like watching those special kids on the little buses press their cute little faces to the windows...and lick them.

Peter also said that he was giving himself and the "Pips" (Councilmen) a raise. Objections were raised about that, so Peter said he "didn't' say for sure they would get raises" and it's not written in stone" as nothing is really written in stone when Peter says them. They are written in crayon, orange in particular. And remember what Helena taught you before, even if Peter says it, but then says two seconds later he didn't say it, it means he didn't say it, okay?




Oh, speaking of special kids, the Windowlickerdellas voiced their opposition about any talks of sewers with anyone anytime anywhere. Also revealed was how Dick Windowlickerdella cost the town $2,100.00 because the tard can't count (if Johnny has ten trailers in 1995, but only two trailers in 2008, how many years do you keep ripping him off until he calls you on it?) but what they didn't mention was beyond the money being returned to Mr. Fudge for his "overcharges", Mr. Fudge will also not be seeing a water bill for a few years as well, costing the town even more in revenue. Hey Dick, know how to count? Didn't think so, BITCH! And for the love of God! Buy another shirt. Every time I see him, he is wearing that frigging orange shirt. He's like an expectant pumpkin waiting for Halloween.



Merry Vermin hissed and moaned all night, having her usual "hate orgasms" every time Gary Gailes opened his mouth or anyone said anything remotely intelligent.






Strangely absent was superhero Kathy Knownothing.
I heard Tell that she is not well liked by Dennis Doyle these days, and her presence would have caused Dennis to turn into the Hulk and get angry! So Kathy sat up on the vacant cell tower, looking out over the quiet valley, and prayed for someone to call out her name, or hoping forPeter to set of the bat signal with his vacant eyes glaring into the florescent lights, but alas, the meeting was to go on without her presence. Sometimes Peter looked lost with no one to turn to for answers. Kathy's hand was far from being up his ass last night!

All in all it was a good meeting, even if it did last fourteen hours. I swear I thought I would run out of Vermouth before that bitch was over! Peter looked like the incompetent jerk he truly is, some guys stroked each others egos, everyone laughed at the Windowlickerdellas (not with them, at them) Rob, Jack, and Pat shined, so, ya know the usual.

Well, more on this later, Helena is wayyyyyy past her bedtime and I have to get up and get a second job because a bitch has to pay to keep Peter in crayons and kid cuisine meals.

-Helena

My Favorite Show's Season Finale

Eeeeeeeeee! Helena is squealing like a school girl! Tomorrow night is the season finale of her favorite show, and this is going to be an extended episode! I love cliff hangers (remember "who shot J.R.? me either) they make you feel all warm and gushy inside. Not to mention they give you something to live for until the next season starts and the cliff hanger is solved.

This got Helena to thinking (that and the fact that most liquor stores close on Sundays so there is little to stifle the thought process in my tiny brain) about her own shows possible cliff hangers. What possible tricks could Pete and Co., have up their sleeves until after Election time? Yeah, got you thinkin' too, huh? Well, let Helena make it simple for you, I'll go through the possible scenarios that might take place tomorrow night, ya know, for shits and giggles.

Season Finale episode, cliff hanger #1

Peter and Co. try to pass the farm stand law(again) illegally (again) but are thwarted when twenty people stand up and declare him incompetent. Dave Pillard screams for them to leave him alone as "he is going a great job!" An investigator from the Attorney General's office stands up and reveals herself, and hands Peter the keys to his new kingdom (think, "prisoner Cell Block H") Special guest stars: Christopher Walken as Andrew Coumo, Rosie O'Donnell as Dick Windowlickerdella, with special appearance by Dakota Fanning as Peter's mustache, and Larry King as Snoris.

Season Finale Episode, cliffhanger #2

Within the first five minutes of the special extended meeting, Peter declares:
1. A dictatorship in Shandaken, naming himself as the biggest Dick (Mr. Tater to you bitches) of all!
2. Marshal law in Shandaken, naming himself as the biggest Marshal of all!
3. Casual Fridays for all town residents, naming himself the casualist of all!
4. The museum in Pine Hill will become a shrine to Michael Jackson and Maurice Hinchey
5. All town employees will be required to feel empathy for Keebler elves
Special guest stars: Linda Hunt as Merry Vermin and Frankie Doyle as Kathy Knownothing.

Season Finale Episode, cliffhanger #3

New York State Governor David Patterson declares Shandaken a disaster area, a shit hole, and an all around cluster fuck. No one is surprised. The Windowlickerdellas purchase small monkeys with hats and organ grinders, making a new name for themselves as street performers in Woodstock.
Nothing is accomplished, which is okay because Peter will call a special meeting next week to introduce a resolution to study the sleeping habits of Ulster County Prisons (preparing for a future career no doubt). Special guest stars: Fred Armisen as Gov. Patterson, Bruce Vilanch as Dick Windowlickerdella (Rosie might not be available) James Gandolfini as Bike Windowlickerdella, Martin Short as Peter (in character as Ed grimly as seen below)

So, as you can see my behbehs, it can go any number of ways, and that is what I do love so about my favorite television show. Hey, did you ever wonder if Rob Stanley sometimes wakes up and feels like he is Oliver Wendell Douglas and he has suddenly woken up in Hooterville? Thing 2 is Arnold Ziffel, of course, and the conniving Mr. Haney is no doubt Peter, and farm hand Ed is Tim Malloy. And while there is no physical resemblance, Jack Jordan is Sam Drucker, with his 'Dutch Uncle' sensibility, he tries to keep things in order while watching the chaos unfold around him. And if you think about it, in the show Green Acres,Oliver had to climb a pole anytime he wanted to use a phone as he had no service in his house, and if you actually wanted cell service in Shandaken, you'd be climbing some poles to get any reception yourself, I'm just sayin', lots of similarities.

Okay Dah-lings, I'm getting allergic smelling hay, so I've got to go see what my medicine cabinet has to help me out. And by medicine cabinet, I mean liquor cabinet. And by help out, I mean put me to sleep. Don't forget to set your clocks and watch the Monthly Town Board Meeting show! Right after Green Acres on TBS! You're humming the theme song to the show right now, aren't you?!

-Helena

Shhhhh! I've got a secret

Despite what Mrs. Brady imparted to Cindy Brady about being a tattle tale (she also said not to play ball in the house, but you remember how that worked out for Bobby)I will risk being branded a "rat", a "tout" and a "big mouth" and share with you a little secret of my own.

Sources tell me (and they are reliable sources, not the transients and hopped up crack whores that the Phoenicia rag uses) that The Attorney General's Office (Mr. Cuomo... Andrew if you've been to the compound in Hyannis Port)has been in touch with several residents of the community. Business owners and community leaders alike have been interviewed, and all have been questioned about the same person and one of his advisers.

Yup, you know who I'm talkin' about. Stands four feet nine inches, has a mustache made of wire (a condition known as "Pippy Longstocking of the nose/mouth area" syndrome) spends his weekends in a tree making cookies and likes to color outside of the lines. His name rhymes with "Meat". Dead meat? They have also contacted Mr. Keebler himself. Remember when Helena told you that the powers that be were watching? Well, a bitch doesn't lie, huh?!

It all started coming to a head several months back when an office within the State began paying special attention when a rabid resident from Points West of Phoenicia (Rhymes with Brine Mill) began calling them making accusations against one of Dead Meat's opponents (might rhyme with Bobert Manley... or not) in an attempt to sully Manley's reputation. Instead, however, it drew attention to the caller, their position in Town Hall, their other job (tied to Dead Meat) and Dead Meat's abuse of power. Unbeknownst to Dead Meat and the caller, State officials were making visits to the town and gathering up information, to see if:
1. The caller was legit
2. The caller was bat-shit crazy
3. Improper actions by a town employee were afoot and they were collecting information to proceed with either indictments, or offer whether or not the caller's employment with the town should be terminated, and the Supervisor be held accountable for said callers actions.

According to two individuals who were interviewed, the State is betting it all on door number three! Tell us what they've won!

They (A.G.) also began to look into complaints that have been flooding the DOS offices, which originally went untouched until the pile started to grow and the other state department contacted them, and decided someone was not playing by the rules. Dead Meat was apparently making them up as he went along, and not all rules applied to everyone. In other words, if Dead Meat didn't like you, the rule changed to make you go away! Orrrrr, he would sick his flying monkey on you and try to slander you until you cried, or moved out of town.

One of the State visitors even requested a chance to meet with the rabid caller and I'm told this wish was granted through the assistance of a local worker. Rabid Caller did not even know they were meeting with one of the officials they spoke with just days before. Two more trips were made in an attempt to "observe" the rabid caller (officially called the complainant caller) but they were not at their "post" so to speak and instead, officials decided observing the meetings on television would work just fine, as it would enable them to also observe how Dead Meat conducts himself at the monthly meetings.

One thing that troubles them is the excessive amount of "special meetings" being called, (more so than any past Supervisors already and the guy hasn't been in office for two years yet!) feeling that this was a way to conduct business in a "less than honorable" manner and makes the process of "manipulating the law and bending favor to their positions" an easy task. It is discouraged by Municipalities to do so unless urgent matters require it. So far Dead meat has called special meetings for an audience to watch him open up bids for construction work, open up envelopes for insurance bids, attempted to pass an illegal law (aha, aha, I see where the State is going with this one?!) on farm stands, held a special meeting to show off his new lunch box, and I understand he is going to hold a special meeting this month to prove that the earth is indeed flat, and not round like we currently have been lead to believe.

No matter what happens, my main concern is, what will happen to my favorite show, 'The monthly meeting show' if Dead Meat and this band of ill-tempered cronies are swept out to sea? Will Mr. Manley entertain as well as those frigging loons?

I think not.

Of course, once news breaks, don't expect much coverage from the official rag, and the coverage you will see might look something like this:

"A.G.'s office commends Pete on job well done", then the next line (in much smaller font ) "license plates never looked better coming out of Coxsackie."

Waaaaaiiiiit for iiiiitttttt....

I have to go, in Peter time it's quarter to purple which means it's past my bed time (in Helena time, that's seven shots past Cuervo).

So, Rob Stanley’s final nail in Pete-ard’s coffin Shandaken Day was a big success. Sorry Petey! Though the clouds hung over the day like Helena hovers over a tall glass of merlot (pronounced chardonnay) , and sure, the heavens opened up and unleashed their wrath like…well, like Merry Vermin hovering over Rob Stanley and unleashing her wrath, but the day was still an outstanding example of what real work can accomplish.

However the heavens attempted to take their revenge, the day ran smoothly in spite of it, though Helena only stayed a short while, long enough to see the opening ceremonies, the wannabe tribe of white people Native American’s blessing the statue repeatedly (I never heard it sneeze once) and Peter standing under his Mary Poppin’s umbrella, looking as out of place as…well, as he does most anywhere except somewhere over the rainbow. He needs to start rollin’ with his homies from the lollypop guild. He be needin’ to get his lollipopin’ on, oh yeah.

Then there was Kathy Knownothing, running around here, there and EVERYWHERE Helena wanted to be. Hand to God, at one point, I could swear I actually saw the bitch talking to himself! She so crazy! The “stop everything in it’s tracks” Catskill Heritage Alliance made itself known by the ill fitted shirts its members wore, large letters proclaiming death to anyone who murders the woods (not really, but I was drinking from my flask, and letters get all “jumbly” when you mix kettle corn, Jagermeister, and the fat rolls in homegirl Knownothing’s shirt). No Development in the Blue Line People! Only somewhere over the rainbow. You know what they say, the definition of a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods, and an environmentalist is someone who lives in a house in the woods! SO TRUE! Think about it! This explanation fits Shandaken’s problem to a tee (golf tee, that is). Those that already got don’t want anyone else to also have! Duh. Oh, I digress.

So this year, instead of Peter and Doris showing up the day of the event and attempting to take over like they did last year, they assumed the masses would stay home, so they hardly came prepared to pretend to work. Doris placed her ass up at the front staff tent for a while, but left to do politicin’ (she spent time bending one citizen’s ear by the port-a-potties no less, hmmmm smell what the Snoris is spewing!) and the botard left after the opening ceremonies only top reappear later for a photo op and to announce the hamlet awards.

Pete’s remedial reading skills kicked into high gear, and he stumbled his way through the text. At first, I wondered by Rob, after working his ass off on this celebration, would hand the mike over to this jackass to do the glory work. But after listening to Petey struggle with his obvious lack of reading comprehension, I knew what that gloriously smart bastard (basterd to Quentin Tarantino) was up to! What better way to make this schmuck look like…well a doofus schmuck, then to make him read in front of others. The madness, the genius! Helena pee-peed herself a little from laughter (and Jagermeister).

Pete-ard’s schmuck up aside, the recipients were some fine individuals and I have to say that it was a pleasant surprise to see Bob Kalb finally being recognized for the hard working, kick ass, take no prisoners, get things done no matter what, kind of guy he is. He and his wife Joanne have been a support network for many people in this community, and because of their friendships (or should I say “feindships”) with people who worked hard and earned their money the old fashioned way (noooo, not prostitution,), they eeeearned it (insert John Houseman sound bite here) and they are vilified. Hmmm, seems to be a trend in this town. But seriously Bob, you deserve some recognition. Good on ya!

Merry Vermin announced the winners of “win a date with a crack whore” some books and such in their raffle, and Kathy Knownothing, sounding like she was stricken with Parkinson’s (and underwater, no less) announced the winner of their “take this bike and shove it” raffle.

Yes indeed, a glorious day. Rob Stanley, walking around with a mike that was seldom in his back pocket, but usually at his mouth (thank you to the lady who accidentally shut him off for a few minutes, Helena was getting a headache from the side show barking). He did a wonderful job not only pulling it all off, but he also had fun with it. Hmmmm, maybe this could be the new trend in Shandaken.

That’s crazy talk Helena!

So, I expect the headlines in the next Phoenicia rag to be “Shandaken Day a success as Peter stops the rain with his mind; Rob Stanley silenced by angry crowd, Doris stays awake”. The secondary stories will read “In spite of hurricane conditions Incumbent Peter DiSclafani braves the elements and takes time to mingle with natives” and “Doris saves a child from run away Thomas the Tank train” and finally, “Rob Stanley fails to have President Obama present at event, can’t accomplish anything for Shandaken”.

You think I’m kidding?

Wait for it.