So, Rob Stanley’s final nail in Pete-ard’s coffin Shandaken Day was a big success. Sorry Petey! Though the clouds hung over the day like Helena hovers over a tall glass of merlot (pronounced chardonnay) , and sure, the heavens opened up and unleashed their wrath like…well, like Merry Vermin hovering over Rob Stanley and unleashing her wrath, but the day was still an outstanding example of what real work can accomplish.

However the heavens attempted to take their revenge, the day ran smoothly in spite of it, though Helena only stayed a short while, long enough to see the opening ceremonies, the wannabe tribe of white people Native American’s blessing the statue repeatedly (I never heard it sneeze once) and Peter standing under his Mary Poppin’s umbrella, looking as out of place as…well, as he does most anywhere except somewhere over the rainbow. He needs to start rollin’ with his homies from the lollypop guild. He be needin’ to get his lollipopin’ on, oh yeah.

Then there was Kathy Knownothing, running around here, there and EVERYWHERE Helena wanted to be. Hand to God, at one point, I could swear I actually saw the bitch talking to himself! She so crazy! The “stop everything in it’s tracks” Catskill Heritage Alliance made itself known by the ill fitted shirts its members wore, large letters proclaiming death to anyone who murders the woods (not really, but I was drinking from my flask, and letters get all “jumbly” when you mix kettle corn, Jagermeister, and the fat rolls in homegirl Knownothing’s shirt). No Development in the Blue Line People! Only somewhere over the rainbow. You know what they say, the definition of a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods, and an environmentalist is someone who lives in a house in the woods! SO TRUE! Think about it! This explanation fits Shandaken’s problem to a tee (golf tee, that is). Those that already got don’t want anyone else to also have! Duh. Oh, I digress.

So this year, instead of Peter and Doris showing up the day of the event and attempting to take over like they did last year, they assumed the masses would stay home, so they hardly came prepared to pretend to work. Doris placed her ass up at the front staff tent for a while, but left to do politicin’ (she spent time bending one citizen’s ear by the port-a-potties no less, hmmmm smell what the Snoris is spewing!) and the botard left after the opening ceremonies only top reappear later for a photo op and to announce the hamlet awards.

Pete’s remedial reading skills kicked into high gear, and he stumbled his way through the text. At first, I wondered by Rob, after working his ass off on this celebration, would hand the mike over to this jackass to do the glory work. But after listening to Petey struggle with his obvious lack of reading comprehension, I knew what that gloriously smart bastard (basterd to Quentin Tarantino) was up to! What better way to make this schmuck look like…well a doofus schmuck, then to make him read in front of others. The madness, the genius! Helena pee-peed herself a little from laughter (and Jagermeister).

Pete-ard’s schmuck up aside, the recipients were some fine individuals and I have to say that it was a pleasant surprise to see Bob Kalb finally being recognized for the hard working, kick ass, take no prisoners, get things done no matter what, kind of guy he is. He and his wife Joanne have been a support network for many people in this community, and because of their friendships (or should I say “feindships”) with people who worked hard and earned their money the old fashioned way (noooo, not prostitution,), they eeeearned it (insert John Houseman sound bite here) and they are vilified. Hmmm, seems to be a trend in this town. But seriously Bob, you deserve some recognition. Good on ya!

Merry Vermin announced the winners of “win a date with a crack whore” some books and such in their raffle, and Kathy Knownothing, sounding like she was stricken with Parkinson’s (and underwater, no less) announced the winner of their “take this bike and shove it” raffle.

Yes indeed, a glorious day. Rob Stanley, walking around with a mike that was seldom in his back pocket, but usually at his mouth (thank you to the lady who accidentally shut him off for a few minutes, Helena was getting a headache from the side show barking). He did a wonderful job not only pulling it all off, but he also had fun with it. Hmmmm, maybe this could be the new trend in Shandaken.

That’s crazy talk Helena!

So, I expect the headlines in the next Phoenicia rag to be “Shandaken Day a success as Peter stops the rain with his mind; Rob Stanley silenced by angry crowd, Doris stays awake”. The secondary stories will read “In spite of hurricane conditions Incumbent Peter DiSclafani braves the elements and takes time to mingle with natives” and “Doris saves a child from run away Thomas the Tank train” and finally, “Rob Stanley fails to have President Obama present at event, can’t accomplish anything for Shandaken”.

You think I’m kidding?

Wait for it.