Not since the cold war have we seen such a massive defection

Hello my Chirrens! I know it's been a few days since my last post, and nooooooo I was not kidnapped by evil trolls and set aflame as was previously published in the National Enquirer. I was actually out canvasing the town and picking up bits of information wherever it was offered. One thing Helena has learned over the years is "feed a man Patrone, and he will drink for days"...no wait, I'm getting my metawhores confused. What I meant was, buy a guy a drink from the top shelf, and he will tell you everything he hears in the bar.

Well, what did Helena learn from her excursions throughout town?

Something very interesting but not surprising. It would appear that TOWM supporters are leaving the flock in droves. Yup, you heard me. They're turning in their foil hats and quittin' that bitch, ASAP. Turns out people get turned off by dirty politics and lies. Don't believe me? Just read any playboy magazine since 19?? Every centerfold will tell you, their turn offs are liars and jerks (unless they are super rich) and politics doesn't curl their toes. A combination of nothing accomplished, lies upon lies, and incompetence, grouped in with a dash of crazy psycho advisers spreading a spectacularly unsuccessful smear campaign against, of all people, individuals not even running for any office, have left those that were once hopeful of Peter (and Obama, oooo, let's call them, Pobama) gravely disappointed.

He was gonna bring us together, remember? We were gonna go on picnics and group trips to Great Adventure! We were gonna plant flowers and sing crappy 60's folk music together. We we gonna work together to build a bridge (no, not the walkway) to harmony. Then Peter's stash ran out (January 3rd) and when the smoke cleared, the bitch turned rabid. The hit list was put in place and instead of accomplishing things and stuff, he and the clan set about bringing their perceived enemies down and destroying any hopes of all residents voices being heard. The segregation of the population was played out quickly. The "them and us" mentality was in full force, thanks to the round up of Peter's cronies. The only difference between Shandaken 2009 and Selma, Alabama, circa 1950's? Issue of race and the price of a burger. Republicans and Democrats who support Republicans are considered lower class citizens. Let's not pretend this isn't so, read the papers, my chirrens. You think the Dems aren't smarting from losing Pat Ellison in this election? You think they're gonna let Pat drink from their cup anytime soon? Pat's now got the stink of "red" on her, she will never be accepted back into "her kind" again. Sure, she is still a Democrat...but will they let her join in their reindeer games ever again? Helena says no. Their loss.

So the foil heads are following the path of the bunnies and heading for the Rob Side. The Rob, Jack, Pat, Tom, JoJo and John Side. The John side, you know the bunnies are going there! As soon as the centerfold money dries up! The ex-foilees having removed all hope from their hearts, and are now placing their new found hopes on the shoulders of a new representative. Hoping he does not disappoint them the way their last Messiah did (where's your God now, Moses) and praying for a town in peace, not one in pieces.

Anypoop, Helena plans on siting in front of her computer on election night, sipping gin and watching the results as they come in. Since it is a federal holiday, I'm calling in to work (let the bitches get their own fries for once).

JoJo's been robbed!!!!

Yes, that's right, my beh-behs, I got an e-mail from one of my reporters who tells Helena someone (ahem) went up and down Route 28 last night, stealing JoJo Kalb's signs, even going so far as to step on private property to take these signs! Last I heard, that was theft and trespassing ( in Peter speak, that is "ambition" and "advancement")

Ms. Kalb, I officially declare you the winner. Why else would they go through the trouble of removing your signs if they didn't think you were gonna whop their asses in November.

Oh, how the skanks have fallen.

Now, I've seen Pete-ard's followers do some low handed things, but this is the lowest of low.

Now, while you might think this is just a prank, it's outright theft. Now, let's take a moment and calculate all of the dirty tricks Pete-ard and his cronies have pulled so far:

Repeatedly stalled Declan Feehan's attempts to clean up the Phoenicia Hotel site in an attempt to take the property by eminent domain. Trouble was somebody forgot to tell them you cant take property that way. Time lost and Grants missed out on for this potential commercial sight that could have been bringing income into the town by way of construction jobs. The explanation from Peter was this was about safety for the community. We really know it was about padding the town coffers so funds could be spent on new positions created in town hall. No construction jobs, mind you, just ya know, cushy jobs. Big beefy Construction men, Think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Repeatedly attempted to close down The Hanover Farms and Alyce and Rodger's Fruit Stand with their ill fated farm stand law. A law they still have not followed through with because they know it is flawed beyond fixing. Many jobs would have been lost, not to mention gorgeous and affordable produce that would have been taken from us. This law was trying to place control within town government over what time of year and hours they could operate, and WHAT THEY COULD SELL!? Please, I'm still waiting for Al to stock Stoli for me. Nothing goes with kale and carrots better than Stoli...'cept Grey Goose. I'm just sayin'. Appreciative consumers of lettuce and liquor, Think about that when you pull the lever.

Peter promised cell service for the town. Then he gave the company that had constructed the tower the money held in escrow, roughly thirty thousand dollars,( or 5 billion million Peter-bucks) that was supposed to be held until the contractor found carriers for it, taking away any incentive they had to assist Shandaken in finding anyone willing to go on the ill fated world's largest coat stand. Peter's fix? Sign a petition. Bitch, please! Those still without cell service, standing and watching Verizon rip out the last remaining pay phones along 28, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Contrary to what Pete-ard said at the (hands down a win for Rob) debate, he has NOT answered every FOIA request he has gotten. He still has yet to answer the question about what other companies (he made up in his head) he allegedly called to bid in the reed bed study. People who still believe we live in a free country, Think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Desperate calls were made by both Peter and his Museum Director to the State of NY to attempt to interfere with services run by a community organization that has brought in over 6 million dollars to this community (I know, I know, not exactly what the Museum is bringing in with advanced admission sales, but hey, they get by) and demanded they be shut down. Let's see, how much has Petey brought in (on his own, not counting the grant he just signed for recently that was actually done under the previous administration) to the town? $0.00 ( 14 billion in peter-bucks). All town residents, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Without proper approval from DOT orrrrrrr his fellow board members, Peter used town funds ($1,800 or so) to have a sign placed on Route 28 in Mount Tremper to direct traffic to the apparent Gotham that this area houses. Businesses, lodging, dining, were all touted on this butt-fugly sign. Uhmmm. I know that Ted Byron and Brian Dorr have their landscaping business signs there in front of their homes. And then there is the Post office. Oh, Ken Lovelett has a lovely store (please do go in and check out his patented awesome drums), and oh,, yes, I almost forgot, Tiso's Restaurant. Best Italian home-cooking you'll get up here, 'cept for Helena's Pasta La Vodka.
Want my my recipe?
One bottle of Smirnoff. Shake well.
Drink.
Wait, what was I cooking?
Ah, screw it, order from Tiso's.

So, where was I, oh yea, Tiso's and that's it.

WAIT! I forgot one. Coincidentally, Peter's Restaurant is also there, just before Tiso's. You'll recognize it by the empty lot.

I wonder what happened to that sign? $1,800 seems like alot to have just stuffed into some darkened room, alone and ashamed. Residents who love to eat good Italian food, and those
against wasteful spending of self serving (and illegally placed) signs, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

He promised to keep the flower program running and then when SHARP spent the funds and requested their promised $5,000.00, Peter informed them that he was pulling the flower program ( a decision made on his own, no confab with the other councilmen, then tried to blame the other councilmen when the flowers hit the fan) and refused to reimburse them. The next year when SHARP made a request for funds again, Peter and Co. insisted that SHARP spend the money upfront and show receipts. SHARP said the equivalent of "Fool me once...!" Flowers go bye-bye.
Tough titties, SHARP. SOL my chirrens.
Maybe you can take up a collection and get those really nice plastic flowers, Oh, better yet, I know a place where they sell those wooden flowers with faces painted on them. A conversation piece, for sure. Flower lovers and those opposed to plastic/wooden smiley face flowers, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Peter placed his friends in unnecessary town jobs, which makes them eligible for benefits. They will one day be vested and pull in a pension while most of you suckers drive to Kingston to work for YEARS, wearing out your tires and paying for gas to the point where...nuff said on that. Those of you not listed as the chosen few, think about that when you go to pull the lever (that is, if you have enough gas left in your car to drive to the polls).

Pete-ard promised a senior lunch program, and then proceeded to place the task into Brian Shapiro's very capable lap. In case you don't get it, that is sarcasm. Brian stopped returning phone calls (until election time of course) and Peter was given the idea of a voucher system. He refused to act on it...until this past month. It only took 22 months (velveteen years in Peter time) and we now have a senior lunch program...for two or three months.

Hopefully, if Peter wins again (ouch, I just bit my tongue) it wiw onwy take anower (I bit my tongue bitches, remember?) 22 months for another successful two month lunch program. All you hungry seniors yearning for lunch companionship, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Now, add to this very long list, theft, trespassing, oh, lets not forget plagiarism (because lesser Helena 2.o, or poser as we call her in thenews room, isn't creative enough to write her own material, she just copies and pastes this one, loser).






I won't attack Peter for not having an original thought anymore.
Why, you ask Helena?

Because, of all the people who have ever run for any office in this town, I have never seen anyone of them sink this low. This is a new low for this town, and for that, I'll give Pete-ard full credit. You might argue that he is not out there doing the sign stealing himself. You're correct about that, he is not. However, he condones it. He encourages it, he allows it. Until he sends out a letter condemning the actions, of course, far too little and too late, like he did last time he ran. I've seen many types of people running for office, but never this lowly caliber before (wait, yeah, I did... two years ago, how quickly we forget). Those who want maturity, honesty and competency in office, think about that when you go to pull the lever.

Hey, Did Petey boy ever mention which insurance company he decided to go with? After all he put alot of work into pretending he didn't look at the closed bids before that meeting (roll the tape...Doris hands Peter the envelope, Peter replies, "No, I've already seen it, thanks." and passes it on to a stunned Rob) Don't believe me? Watch for yourself.
Gooder Goberment, MY ASS!


The Next Phoenicia Rag headlines...

A drunken Rob freaks out at Debate, killing two audience members. Peter brings them back to life, and saves them $200.00 on their car insurance.

SHARP gives Rob $45,000.00 for a "man cave" and a year's supply of Meister Brau... murder and mayhem ensue at Stanley residence as drunken councilman attacks party-goers. Peter holds candle light vigil for pary sufferers, making said candles from his own batch of mustache wax.

Peter uses his power of "mustache" and feeds the hungry by shaking his 'stache and supplying the needy with loaves of bread from it. Rob steals the bread and makes a sandwich to dip in his Meister Brau which he enjoys in his "man cave".

Now, Finally a quick word about my blog friend, Fanci. True, Fanci has moved,and I support her decision to do so. You go girl! As for me? This bitch ain't goin' anywhere. Bitch isn't makin' me change my totally awesome self because she wants to play poser and continue to plagiarize me. Who wouldn't want to be this fabulous? Really! Who? Keep it up, Bitch! You just keep digging yourself further and further into the grave.
My friend Fanci offers lesser Helena 2.0 love and peace.
Helena (the one and only REAL Helena), only offers to keep holding the nails for your coffin as you continue to dig. Don't worry, I can wait. I'll be here when you're done. Be-otch.

Okay, I've given lesser Helena 2.0 enough to plagiarize tonight, don't want her too busy as Dr Phil has a special on 'secret cutters" followed by a special Oprah who will give away free self help/self love kits to home viewers. and I wouldn't want her to miss either one. Stop hatin', my bitch, start lovin yoself!
Word.
hiccup*

Vote row A?

Debate a success for DiSclafani, everyone else chokes...

Hand to God, that will be the Phoenicia Rag's headline. But, in reality, our current "burden" otherwise known as TOWM, Tardo, etc. was not impressive at all.

But Helena is jumping ahead of herself. First, let's get to the first chuckles. They came as the candidates introduced themselves, and we in the home audience got to do shots each time someone stated a hypocritical statement when describing themselves. Helena was wasted by the time Petey finished his introduction.

First to do this was Mr. Sclafluffy himself, who began the evening with a bouquet of lies, to keep in step with the whole theme of his administration and current campaign.
During the forty seven hours (purple-three days in Peter time), Mr. Sclafluffy went on to extol the virtues of his long career in the pretend town administration industry. He talked about all that he had planned to accomplish, if only given another chance and a new coloring book. Perhaps if someone chips in for a magna doodle, he will be encouraged to actually do something this time around.




Then, our favorite sleeping beauty, Snoris Barflett, went on to describe herself as a volunteer who loves to...volunteer. It is a big part of her life, and then said that she saw her position on the town board as just another facet of her volunteerism...

HUH?

Wasn't this the bitch that was the only board member to vote no on the issue of keeping town board pay the same for now? She wanted a raise to feed all of her ferrel cats.

Yeah, volunteer my ass! She only volunteers for special interest groups that agree with her agenda (i.e. nimbosylian)


Randi Ostrander said something about how he rode in on some Belgian waffles. He also brought Belgian waffles, but I did not see him share them with anyone. Barbara Redbarnstormer really wanted Randy's waffles. She too, by the way, is a great volunteer. Not on anything important, just in the same special interest groups that Snoris is involved in.




Jack Jordan Had some great views on cost cutting for the taxpayers, I hope my beh-behs were paying attention to that. Pat Ellison was excellent with her answers, and her lack of fear of the issues, even bringing up the dreaded "s" word (nooooo, not that one, the other one, sewer) and explaining that Shandaken was basically still in medieval times when it came to infrastructure.

Now, town justices, it's simple. Tom Crucet for sure, Helena liked his tie, so for that alone, he gets extra marks. He is well spoken and has done a good job. Charlie Frasier, while seeming a bit uncomfortable at first, quickly relaxed and did a good job going head to head on the issues. Those other two gents, Miranda and Brown, eh. Miranda looks like the used car salesman that sold Helena her Yugo in 1987. And he looks like the used car salesman who sold Helena her 1975 pacer...in 2008. Don't judge me! Brown, well she seems nice, but working in the mental health field does not a judge make.
Wait, actually, being a mental health professional could work in your favor when dealing with issues in Shandaken.

Highway guys Eric and Keith were there. Nothing exciting happened in their questioning, 'cept Keith made a funny when he said, "I used to be the Superintendent, but that was interrupted by an election." Bitch got mucho points for that!

Assessors. Now, you have to admit, this was an obvious win for John Horn and Joann Kalb. Come on. When the questions of qualifications came up, John blew 'em away. He was king of a Westchester Village for many years, and was the go-to guy for assessor issues in the same kingdom. Joann also had impressive credentials, not to mention, nice clothes and hair. She happens to volunteer with real community organizations, not the "special kind" like Snoris and Barb. But that shouldn't give her brownie points, not when her other competition is ...dadadaaaaa.
A photographer.

So, this Sietz lady says she could be an assessor, even if she has no clue how the formula for assessing goes, because she can take really neat pictures of the houses.

Thanks. Really, thanks a lot for the picture abilities. I was just saying the other day how our troubles within the assessors office could all be solved if only we had a professional photographer in that office. Done!

Peter DiMoldy, after John horn mentions that one bitch is assessed at 31% while another bitch is assessed at 12%, goes on to say how he's been working in the assessors office for twelve minutes and he proclaimed it to be super efficient. Never mind the data cards are marked in pencil and date back to the 18th century. All is right with the assessors office and rest assured Peter knows how to screw you out of your property so he can claim it for the town or Zen Monastery and turn it into a thinking spot for the brain trust he is involved in. The Zen Monastery needs more room for the new dance/photography/puppet therapy studio they want to build anyway.

Now, on to Rob Stanley who had a little disturbing information to share with everyone. Seems someone is messin' with his beh-behs. Now, Helena may not have any kids (odd since I was raised Gosselin) but I know that you don't mess with a mama and daddy bear's cubs. That's just not cool. But this only means one thing, again it is painfully apparent that these bitches have nothing to run on, and they are scared of Rob and his superpower abilities to actually get things done...

Which is what Rob went on to say. "Ask yourselves what were the promises made by Peter and what has he done?" Do we have cell service? Do we have a sewer system for Phoenicia? Do we have anything? Nope. Rob seems to be just as tired as everyone else of this bitch's false promises. He nailed Peter on several issues including his lack of accountability. He made no promises other than that he would be available to people who need him. I believe it. He drives around in a very identifiable truck. Bitches are gonna find him everywhere!

Peter starts with, "As CFO, it is my responsibility to take care of the money and I've cut our taxes..." really? You weren't cuttin' shit until you got called on the carpet for your free spending, "lets all take increases this year, recession be damned" ways. And aren't you the CFO who, last winter couldn't explain why our taxes went up, throwing the blame onto the accountants and your secretary, saying we should probably hire new accountants? Yeah, lets hire accountants who do your "rough math" so everyone can get a 40% pay raise next year. 40% in peter math is 73 peach cobblers with his kid cuisine.

After Rob takes him to task for lack of cell service, Peter begins his statement with "First of all, I never did say I'd get you cell service."

Uhm...yeah, ya did. Buttttt, remember chillens, if he says it, and then says he didn't...nuff said. Bitch has got a learnin' curve.

Rob shined on issues with youth, infrastructure, cutting taxes, and making life better for citizens

Peter shined on issues of alien abduction, cow mutilation, and coffee cakes versus apple pie.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and the Phoenicia Rag hosted this debate. The Phoenicia Rag's own Brian "I cough therefore I am" Powers and Paul "not so" Smart managed to have things run smoothly enough, though at times I could see the desire in Paul's eyes for the whole thing to break down into a three ring circus, makes for better false reporting.

Ahh, too bad.

Tune in Oct. 17th, 1:00pm. to the debate

The spin-off to Helena's favorite tv show is premiering tomorrow. Of course, it is a one time only show, but it will be exciting none the less. May I suggest a wine to go with your viewing?

This will prove to be a collectors item, I hope they sell copies of this one. There are already talks of an Emmy nod for several of the participants.

I'm pulling out my tiara and ball gown for this one. I'm chilling the Moet and praying no freak snow Storm keeps me from my favorite tv characters. Please, oh Please, 70's spicy God, let it rain crystal tears and not snow!

Tune in tomorrow and support your candidates! Whoever those bitches might be! You already know who my bitches are, my beh-behs!


Don't forget to throw your support to Charlie Frasier for Town Justice (pictured here). Charlie, along with incumbent Tom Crucet, will make a fine addition to Town Government.

News Bulletin...Breaking story in Shandaken

Helena has just learned that Supervisor DiSclafluffy and Councilwoman Snoris Barflett have apparently been unintentionally lifted into the air in a homemade hot air balloon during what was supposed to be a campaign photo op. My sources tell me that the two where lured to the "craft " with kibble and crayons. However, both were told not to touch the controls, but...well, kids will be kids. I'll keep you posted as I have a news helicopter following the balloon now. And by "news helicopter"I mean "a guy with a station wagon and a bottle of grey goose.

UPDATE 3:27 PM: The balloon has landed but no signs of the Stupervisor or Counciltard are in it.

UPDATE 4:55PM: Snoris was found napping on the third floor of town hall. Still no sign of DiSclafluffy.

UPDATE 5:13PM: Pete-ard was found clinging to the World's largest Coat Stand. Emergency Rescue workers are working right now to free him. He is clinging to something that looks like crib notes for tomorrow's debate. Oh the poor bastard! Let go of them, for the love of 70's spicy God, LET GO!!!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence

Aye, Mommies and Poppies, I was just notified by my Friend Fanci's site that we's been robbed! But seriously...you gotta laugh.

If you remember my chillens, I told you this was going to happen any minute, what with my favorite show in hiatus until next season (after 'lection). The attacks on innocent peeps would start because...what else was the dark side going to do? Not like they could actually devote a blog site to the things Tardo's administration has accomplished as he hasn't accomplished anything 'cept giving jobs to unqualified friends and playing with his 'stache during meetings.

Apparently two sites have pooped up with addresses close to this one and Fanci's. While Fanci listed the addresses on her site, Helena decided after a swig of Absolute, that she would not list the addresses, for two reasons:
1. These blogs are not creative enough for my beh-behs to be subjected to (unless you like looking at train wrecks, and if you is one of my beh-behs, you do) as they are simply copies of this site and the other, almost word for word, even highjacking my comments too! Sad, frowny face. They aren't even talented enough to make up witty comments, only snarky ones.

2. Because they simply attack the candidates without facts and use photoshopped pics of beautiful blue-eyed men and put them on drag queen bodies.
Side note: Jack, you look marvelous in pink! And Rob, I think the new blogger is jealous because you're a much prettier woman than she will ever be. Not enough bleach can cover up that mustache of hers. Luckily it is going gray quickly. See I can search the interweb 2


As for Jojo, Pat, John, and anyone else harmed during the making of the other awful, untalented hack sites, you keep it up. Apparently they are so very frightened of little old you. You got 'em on the run my beh-behs.

As for the non-public figures they attack, well, you hold your heads up my bitches, as at least you have not sunk so low as to fling poo like some people. You most likely have also been able to hold down a regular job for more than a year at a time without being taken away in handcuffs for stealing (twice) Have you seen my museum lately? and you most likely never had a drug problem, aaaannd you most likely never had your kids (or a relative's kids) taken away from you, and you've probably never been publicly intoxicated and made a jack ass out of yourself vomiting all over the parking lot of the Sportsman's, peeing your pants in the process. I'm just sayin'. Maybe you have, I don't know. Just sayin'.

Would have been nice if these new sites were put up to go over the issues. Where are the issues, bitches?

Too bad! I was looking forward to intelligent banter, instead, the new sites give us re-hash. Stick with the originals my chillens!

And now a word from 70's Spicy God and his son, baby Jesus:

My awesomely groovy babies,

It has come to my attention that I, your loving and righteous God, owe you an apology for the following:

-Limburger cheese
-EZ Pass lanes that fail to work properly
-Catskill Heritage Alliance and all those involved in it
-Velcro (for obvious reasons, me damnit, Johnny, learn to tie your shoe laces!)

Listen up to what it is babies, the man is speakin' and you can dig this, make sure you know you have the power to bring change to your town. Time to pack the circus clowns back in their VW Bug, and make sure that Rob, Jack, Pat, Jojo, and John take their rightful place in town hall this November. As for Highway guy, it's all good because I'm not going to give you snow this year, instead I'm working on a new form of weather for winter. Instead of snow falling, the tears of Pete, Merry, Ms. Knownothing, other Pete, et. al., will be gathered after their defeat, and I will turn them into crystals, and hang them from the stars at night. Global warming (haha, yeah, I know) will make it possible.

Catch you on the flip side.

70's Spicy God
(the "Man" fo' sho!)

Stealth Absence...the new wave of town management?

Helena is working diligently at keeping her good friend and source of entertainment, Pete-ard, front and center in the limelight. I think I'm not ready to let go just yet.

Because of this, I decided to write about a little known accomplishment that several Supervisors have employed over the years, a little technique known as Stealth Absence.

Stealth Absence is achieved when a Supervisor's lack of presence in Town Hall actually contributes to more work being accomplished. Both Wayne Guttmann and Peter DiSclafluffy have successfully employed this technique, which is only taught in darkened bar rooms and secret society halls around the country.

Evidence of the technique in action is seen at town board meetings as the Supervisor sits, not really knowing what is going on around him while things are voted on and questions from the audience are answered by other town representatives.

Chaos and frustration are unfortunate side effects of this technique. However, an easy remedy is to vote in a new Supervisor and hope the next one employes the Quick to think on their feet technique.

New Campaign Ad using random people

Helena discovered the original ad that was supposed to run last week, but was pulled at the last minute as it was discovered someone let TOWM write the ad himself. Here is a copy.



Hi! How are you? I am fine. I am Peter, and I approved this ad. Because I'm running to get re-elected at my job. I work in the Town Hall a bunch of days this year. I am seventeen + thirty four years old. Here is a vast list of my accomplishments (as per my friends list) in my two short years in office.

-For two years now, I've used words like "amorphous", and "esoteric". Pretty soon I'll use "tangible".

-I'm currently taking advantage of NASA technology to assist in getting a cell provider for Shandaken, using the interweb to inform Verizon and others that we've built it, they can now come! Please please sign on to the petition, and feel free to continue to use anonymous as this is still the most popular name so far!

-I stopped economic progress DEAD in it's tracks and I promise if that monster stirs again, I'll cut it down! No change is good change.

-I've managed to put most of my friends into town jobs, and if re-elected, I promise to have all of them employed by the town before March of 2010.

End of accomplishments.

Below is my friend Tony, we gone to school together and he promised to vote for me if he ever lived in Shandaken but he does not. He lives over the town line in Colorado, in a pretty house with birds and flowers and a dog named Sherman, who likes to chase cats and eats peanut butter cake. Tony's wife makes wigs for gerbils undergoing chemo treatments.Oh, I just remembered another accomplishment! Wait, this is my grocery list. Never mind.

The end.



Yes, my chillen's. It scared me too.

Who's your Daddy?

Ooooooooo Snap! It's on! Rob Stanley (pictured above) laid down the gauntlet, and this bitch is ON!!!!!
Tonight's monthly meeting show seemed to be running along without any surprises (except Peter's new word of the day from his calendar, "esoteric" which he used in a sentence,not really appropriately, but he used it) however, one big ass surprise came in the form of one Vin "take in on the chin" Bernstein. Notice Helena used his real name. This is a sign of affection. I affection Vinny alot tonight.

He said he was going to say something unpopular, but he wanted everyone in town hall to make the same sacrifice that elected officials were making, and not get a raise this year.

Unpopular indeed, but not with the other board members, with the Witches of Eastwick (who cackled so loud at one point, Helena thought her glass of chardonnay would crack) who were floored by this turn of events. Mostly because their lead witch, Merrily "weathered" Vermin would be affected.
Now, Helena almost pee-peed herself a few times tonight, but Merry started grousing about her $200 increase and how she worked so hard for it ("You don't know the hours I have to put in for that money ") and she made a point of directing her attack on Rob Stanley. At one point, when an audience member commended Vin and Rob on their fiscal responsibility, Merry blubbered incoherently about stolen kitty litter and plants. Someone PLEASE give this a bitch a coupon for fresh step now!

Please allow Helena to digress. Let's talk about what Merry does for the money (no, not who, what...get your mind out of the Cuervo gutter).

She wakes up at the crack of noon-noonthirty on a Thursday or Friday. She looks out her window. The museum is still there.
Time for Jerry Springer.
Around two thirty she opens her front door, the museum is still there.
Time for Judge Judy.
Four o'clock. Time for Oprah. F@#* the museum, O is her bitch.

Merry's day (work month) is done.

So back to the important shit. Merry bellowed that if Rob wanted her $200 so badly, he could have it. Like he was actually taking it himself (though I know that if he did take that bitch's money, he would use it to buy him and me shots of Petrone at the "Arms" till our faces were numb). Hand to God, at one point, I swear Merry was gonna get up and shove a grapefruit half in Rob's face, or throw a cream pie at him. The tension was palpable. Note to Peter: That word will be on your 'word a day' calender on November 12th. Watch for it so you may use it appropriately.




So Rob goes one better than Vinny and recommends that the employees not only don't take a raise, but that the councilmen should actually take a cut! He went on to say something about how it was supposed to be an honor and privilege to serve the town's people, not an entitlement, and that they should be happy to just be doing the job. He lost me at "serve the town" as when I hear the word "serve" I automatically think a drink is on its way.

I'm still waiting for that drink.

F@#*ING BRILLIANT!!!! I mean it Rob, brilliant!

Anygenius, if that wasn't enough, Rob continued to push the issue and requested that each board member be polled. During discussions, Tiny Tim and Vin were with him , but nary a peep came out of Snoris' mouth, or Pete-ard's pie hole. Snoris fell asleep a total of 47 times tonight during the meeting and one of those times that she picked to nap was unfortunate for her as it was at the moment of roll call, and as she woke up and was asked her vote for the salary reduction, she voted no.

Bitch voted NO.

But that was okay she thought, as Peter would back her up on this. True, they lost Timmy and Vinny to the common sense side, but surely Peter still had his home girl's back. They're a team after all, right?

Right?

So, when Laurilyn calls out Peter's name, he does his usual gesturing, moving his bobble head from left and right, smirking, and then, he says..."Hmmmmmmmm, yeah, ya know, I kinda like it, I like the idea, yeah we need to be fiscally...yeah, yes...okay, why not."

If you were watching closely, and if you listened carefully, you could actually hear the veins in Snoris' eyes popping. Bitch threw Peter a look like, "Oh no you d'int!"

But... oh yes, he did!

He threw that bitch out to the wolves. Snoris now goes down at the season finale as the only bitch who voted no to a pay decrease!

BRILLIANT!!!!! I can see the votes for Jack and Pat flowing in from here on out!

So, as Helena sees it, two birds were killed with one stone tonight. 'Cept one of those birds is gonna kick Peter's ass!

Other notables tonight:

We learned that Dick Windowlickerdella cost the Town yet more money, with $200.00 being returned to Debra Jo Ryan for another Dick screw-up. Honestly, can this bitch count or what? When is this going to stop? Take away his pen, calculator, and the keys to his truck, and give him one of Peter's crayons and coloring books, and send him on his way to Tenbroeck Commons where he belongs. The good news is Dick wore a coat so Helena could not tell if he finally changed his shirt or not, but who cares. He was quiet and sounded like a wind up toy on its last rotation.

Bike Windowlickerdella, in his best Soprano impersonation yet, kinda attacked Rich Muellerllliiiiiillalalalalalallala, head of the Ambulance, even though Rich (who of course showed up in all of his uniformed glory) explained that he did not request that much money from the Town for his department's budget. I hope that if the day ever comes when Mr. Windowlickerdella needs the services of our sexational paramedic, that Rich acts professionally... and tries to remember to make sure that the knot is tied securely to the back of the ambulance bumper as they drive off dragging Mr. Windowlickerdella behind. You don't want him coming loose and just laying in the street. That would be a waste. You want him to arrive at the hospital as a fresh corpse to help the med students learn about compassion and "good neighbor funds".

I kid.

Another notable was the low turnout. As the camera panned the room, Helena noticed not too many asses filling those seats. Mostly it was the Peter supporters who didn't show up. I guess everyone has pretty much figured out who the returning cast of characters will be. Representing the lullaby league was Evil Smith, who talked about giving out cakes and pies to Pine Hill indigents (Frank Nazzaro) and wanted to know if anyone knew where the yellow brick road started. Helena thought that this being the season finale, more peeps would pop up.

I hope that when Pete-ard loses, he turns up on future episodes as a guest star, like Peter Ditestical does, ya know, as a ghost of supervisors past. Those who have not been able to move on and have a life, and are doomed to sit in the second row, spouting out things like, "well, when I was in office, we did things this way..." and "when I was working with the State on the Pine Hill Water Department purchase..." yeah, right. SHUT UP YOU TOOL! If you did it the right way when you were in office, I would think YOU"D STILL BE IN OFFICE!

Also discovered: Someone gets paid to clean the museum...WTF?! Why can't the director pick up a broom and toilet brush and do it herself? IS she too good? Are there that many throngs of visitors clamoring to get in and use the facilities that we have to pay an additional bitch to clean it up? I think not! Give Helena that job, I'll do it for a pack of orbit gum and a set of soggy matches (don't ask).

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO BRING YOU A MESSAGE FROM 70'S SPICY GOD:

My groovy children,
If you want to make the almighty far out dude in the sky feel super righteous, change the course of your town NOW. Don't make me loose my mellow vibe and start smiting people, because you know how I can get. I take things to extremes sometimes (Re: Noah, Abraham, Lot, etc.) I ask alot from my hip young babies. When I'm not craving your adoration, I'm making crazy requests like, "kill your first born" or "build a boat, but make that bitch BIG, 'cause it's gonna RAINNNNN". But in return for your adoration, I give you groovy things. Things like sunsets, ESPN, and self sticking stamps. So right now, what would make this groovy dude love you even more, would be to bring about change in your town. Change you can live with (I swear to me, Obama stole that line, I had it first) and change that will make your lives better. Vote in my normal children. You dig my babies?
Later,
70's Spicy God

Okay Mommies and Poppies, Helena has to go now. I have to get up early and drive to Kingston to look for work. My days in Nirvana are numbered!

Hola chicas!

P-Scliddy is down with the bitches and the ho's!

Alright my homies! Oh yeahhhhhh, in only 45 minutes, Peter be pimpin' out the new budget for next year. He be bringin' in the numbers to dole out the benjamins. Oh yeahhhh, ya'll better watch it, y'know what I'm sayin'?
No?
Okay, let me speak in English and forego the pimponese.

The season finale (my girly giggle is starting) of the monthly meeting show will be under way in 45 minutes, and Peter will show you the money. Or not. Morel likely he will show you his inadequacies and lack of comprehension, but either way, it should be a good show. I'll be taking notes and writing things down as I see 'em. We will see which bitches took a hit and which ones will be thanking their lucky stars that they still have a job and actually saw a raise. From all indications, this is going to be an interesting one.

Lift your glass to the mack daddy of all mack daddies!

I swear, you probably don't believe me, but I'll say it again.

I'm gonna miss that bitch! I might have to actually eat in his restaurant to get my sclafluff-fill!

Oh yeahhhh, word to your mother.

The lines are busy as the Monthly Meeting Show prepares for its season finale!

Yes Mommies and Poppies, this Monday will be the last show of the (election) season, but fear not, we will be able to see our favorite characters on the special edition known as the Debate when it hits the air waves October 17th.

Anyone recently trying to access the Town's official Website had difficulty as the powers that be tried to keep up without the proper bandwith, as citizens tried desperately to retrieve past budgets to see how much more (or less in some cases) of their money was going to be spent and on what. Some questionable items such as $2000.00 for undisclosed usage, and $25,000.00 for the same made there way in as new items. Was this a way to bring in more money for the Stupervisor and his councilmen without actually calling it a raise? Just sayin'! After all, he was kind enough to give Merry Vermin a raise, for what I'm not sure, as well as the welfare officer, again, for what? Did these women work any harder than the rest of town hall? Did these women put in the hours that Patty and Wendy did? Musta, 'cause these two are getting the same kind of raise as Peter's Secretaries.

So unfair that other elected officials who work full time had to go without a raise because the tard who puts in zilch time realized a raise for himself would cause a riot and figured ALL elected officials would suffer along with him. Too bad, so sad.

As for the talks of the Farm Stand Law being pushed, if anyone paid attention to the recent polls, they would know 83% are against it. Then again, if anyone paid attention, they would have also seen that Rob is favored to beat anyone in the upcoming elections, 83% to anyone's 17%, and anyone would have been smart enough to quit this bitch weeks ago.

Oh! Speaking now of campaign issues, I've uncovered the "friends of Peter" who paid for that travesty of an ad last week. They have asked that their identities be hidden as they are ashamed. But don't blame them, they are only doing what they are told. At some point, we all do things we are ashamed of. I once woke up after a night of partying to find myself at the National Democratic Caucus in New Hampshire (won't say what year and who was running) next to John Kerry...fully dressed clutching a bottle of Heinz ketchup and screaming! Cheer up Peter Friends, you live, you learn.

I have to go press my dress and say my prayers, 70's spicy God doesn't like to be kept waiting!He's hangin' in the mansion, waiting to hear from Helena.


This is 70's spicy God's mansion. Looks like a cross between the Versaille's Palace and something you find in Disney World (Euro-Disney, not one of our parks). He has llamas and elephants. He drinks Cristal out of glasses made from the tears of tree huggers. He has a huge John Candy dvd collection. He likes Halloween and often trick-or-treats dressed as the devil. He loves irony.

Tune in Tomorrow night!