Paul unSmart interviews Candidates Stanley and DiSclafani

The Phoenicia Crap times is going to be running the following article in an upcoming issue. Paul Smart (yeah, I smirk each time I say it too) sat down with Rob Stanley, current councilman and Supervisor candidate, and Peter DiSClafani, current window licker incumbent. It was billed as an attempt to report openly and transparently. Something like that.

PS: So, Pete, let's start with you, as you won the coin Toss

Rob: Coin toss, there was a coin toss?

PS: Yeah, Rob, ahh, it was before you showed up, and Pete called heads, and that was what fell face up.

Rob: Uhm, okay Paul.

PS: So Pete, is it true that through your power of the supernatural, you once parted the waters of the Esopus creek to assist a troop of boy scouts in crossing it?

Pete: What? I don't remember that...(Paul kicks Pete in the leg forcefully)...Oh, that! Yeah, I remember that time.

PS: So, basically you're always helping people.

Pete: Umm,yeah yeah. I help people

PS: What else have you done to help people?

Pete: I help people.

Rob: I think he is looking for another example, Pete

Pete: Oh, uhh, I helped boy scouts by pushing them in the water of the creek an.....

PS:You parted the water, right?

Pete: Can I take a nap now? Kathy isn't here and I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say.

PS: Alright, let me move to Rob. Rob, isn't it true you abuse puppies and killed a man in a drunken bar fight, using a broken beer bottle and stick of gum?

Rob: Ah, NO, where the hell did you get that info?

PS: I'm just reported what was told to me via the 'grapevine' of Shandaken.

Rob: You mean Mary Herrmann and Kathy Nolan, right?

PS: Ahh, well, they are both very informed women. Neither has a job and has all the time in the world to come up with this stuff...it's gold, Rob, gold I tell ya!"

Rob: next question, halfwit.

Pete: Uhm, okay, how...

Rob: Not you, you're the moron, Paul's the halfwit.

Pete's mustache/KAT: Who you callin' moron?

PS: Okay, this is getting out of hand, Pete, Rob, Kat, calm down.

Kat: Paul, I'm thirsty, I want a drink.

Paul: I have to ask questions Kat, after this is over.

Kat: Paul

Kat: Paul

Paul: WHAT?!

Kat: I want a drink. I wanta Fanta.

Rob: Paul ,I have work to do, can we get on with this.

Pete: I think my mustache is writing something down.

Rob: Yeah, Pete, it is. The paper and the pen under your nose is a good indication of that.

Paul: Rob, what would you do to improve the economy of the town.

Rob: First, I would work on making the much needed improvements in our infrastructure, then..

Pete: That's a funny word. What does it mean?

Rob: Shhhh, shhh, little man, go back to sleep.

Pete: But I wanna know stuff, I wanna I wanna I wanna!!!

Rob: Shhhh, shhh there will be plenty of time to learn...like after you leave office.

Kat: Rob, here, hand this note to Paul.

Paul: What is this, Kat?

Kat: A list of my demands. If they are not met, I'll make hell fall upon you by calling out the three witches of Shandaken, Kathy, Mary, and Judith. They will work their black magic and bring about the downfall of the town.

PS: how will they do that?

Kat: By spreading lies and innuendo...much like the last election, only, only, meaner.

Rob: Can I go now? I have work to do.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta work too!

PS: Really?

Pete: Yup, Kathy drives me in, leads me into the office, makes sure I have my sippy cup in one hand, by coloring book in the other. The crayons are usually there already, Patti sets 'em out for me the night before.

Kat: Paul!

PS: WHAT KAT!!

Kat: Will you meet my demands?

PS: Yeah, okay, a fanta...do you want that in a sippy cup?

Kat: Of course you fool. Now go!

PS: Pete, what would you do to improve the economy in the town?

Pete: I think I might try to do stuff.

PS: Uh, like what Pete, I know you must have great ideas?

Pete: blank stare

PS: Come in, Pete, don't be shy, share your great ideas!

Pete: blank stare

Rob: Come on dude, say something...anything?

Paul: Aren't you working on getting stimulus money for....

Pete: Oo, oo, I know, I would give everyone in the town a job IN TOWN HALL. Yeah! Then I would lower taxes, but by telling people to only pay, like, thirty dollars each, and we could all go to Red Lobster for lunch on Fridays 'cause that would make us get along better an...

PS: alright, even I'm sorry for this stupid bastard now. Pete, go back to being Rose's 'beard' and be the short order cook in the restaurant. Leave the real thinking to the real men.

Pete: Uhm, do you mean Rob, Paul?

PS: Uhm, no, I actually meant your mustache.

Kat: That's right bitch, I been runnin' this town so far, I'll keep doin' it.

Rob: Yeah, okay, I'm outta here. That thing is starting to scare me.

Kat: You betta be scared! YOU ALL BETTA BE SCARED!

After submitting this interview, Paul Smart mysteriously disappeared. He was last seen arguing with Pete's mustache in the lot of the Catskill Thorn. Only God help him now.