Phoenicia Rag's headlines

The Phoenicia Ragstactic News Paper, you know, the one that reports their opinion professionally and in a libelous fashion, is now the ONLY newspaper reporting on issues we care about. Due to the fact that the average person can not decipher the code that is used in the newspaper, I have taken the liberty of showing some examples of real headline and story titles and translating the actual facts from a Town Board Meeting.

MONEY MONEY MONEY
Town Board pushes good feelings, cost savings, criticisms continue.
Translation:
Pete smirked a lot. Twice he shouted "So what"! Residents questioned Peter on procurement policies and procedures, his mustache shot back a snarky response and refused to answer any further questions. Pete then refused to consider allowing funds to be used to help with the purchase of a star climber for Phoenicia's park, dashing the hopes and dreams of small children everywhere. Savings to the town tax-paying residents? $2000-3000 (of funds that will sit there unused) The cost of losing an election due to crushing kids hearts? PRICELESS
THE END OF AN ERA The Townsman stops presses after 53 years served as local civic institution.
Translation:
Nanny nanny poo poo. OH, shit ,wait, we're next.

ZONING FOR FARM STANDS Public hearing on proposed law draws fire from local businessman.
Translation: Okay, it was more than one business man complaining, more like one hundred, but, who wants to hear that. Hey, did anybody notice Pete changed his mustache wax?

BACK IN THE LIMELIGHT- Gitter makes rare appearance before a neighboring municipality's board.
Translation:
Shit, we've been assuming he was dead and was now a head in a large jar of formaldehyde. No problem, we'll just resume the rumors he is paying off government officials to get the project up and running. Hey, lets force him to do a ten year carbon foot print study, he'll definitely be a head in a jar by then!

BUDGET WORRIES- Hit the town level.
Translation:
We is SCREWED. Three Ignorami are running the town, kiss your property values good bye.

On a more serious note...

The rain came down in buckets on the sleepy town of Shandaken today, like God washing the stink of Pete off the land. Things were strangely quiet. Not much action on Main Street Phoenicia, and the same could be said for the rest of the town. Any discussions of importance that took place, most likely took place in the safe confines of some back-lit, hidden den of iniquity (i.e., back part of Sportsman's) with carefully chosen participants. Any conversation overheard would have pertained to weather and sports, not politics and strategies.

Yes, they're being careful. would you like to know why? They have no game plan. Everything they have thrown out in the open, has come to backfire on them. Now they're down to the part where they get desperate and use dirty tricks. That is what they always do. Just wait for it. That is what they did to Jane and that is what they will do to Rob.

They have nothing to run on.

What will they claim as their accomplishments?

Pete has accomplished NOTHING. Zilch. Zippo. Well, actually, he has managed to lose services to the town. Took away any prospects for a sewer, free and clear. Took away the flowers, took away the fun for kids by NOT SUPPORTING THE STAR CLIMBER. Funny thing is, the only purchase this guy HAS approved of in his entire administration, was a sign that directed traffic to his restaurant, bought using (flower money?) funds, inappropriately. He claimed that was not for his business, but happened to be a coincidence that it directed traffic to his business

Honestly, his mustache swore on a razor and everything.

What did Pete do for the town?

Wait for it...

It's coming.