Tourism, 101

Helena is a basket case these days (okay, pun intended). The tourists are coming, the tourists are coming!

With the busy tourist season approaching, our ever competent economic development committee has been working feverishly at each and every meeting they have had since their inception (all three of them) on finding ways to promote our area to attract summer tourists to our little berg in the Mountains. Some of their original, but quickly abandoned campaigns to garner summer visitors were such treasures as, "Come visit Shandaken, but leave your carbon footprint at home" and "Come visit Shandaken, we got five restaurants and no public shitters".

Not to be outdone by Olive's recent accomplishments, they also tried such goodies as, "Shandaken, it's like Olive, but more wester" and "Shandaken is not a destination, but a State of mind (on massive doses of Halidal) and finally, "Shandaken is not a destination".

That last one was the winner.

So, with this new promotion securely put in place, I am preparing for the massive influx of city dwellers, foreign travelers, and college students with only forty-eight dollars to spend on vacation/pot this year. When all seventeen of these annoying tourists make their mass exodus from points elsewhere to here, I'm surely going to lose my temper. I can see it now, a Saturday in July and I'm trying to make my way on to route 28, waiting patiently as the stream of who knows how many cars drive by (seven) each one mocking me, taunting me with their fancy mall haircuts and that glazed look in their eyes that seems to say, nay, SCREAM, "What the fuck am I doing here, I coulda gone to the Hamptons."

When I try to purchase items in the local market, they will be there in front of me, trying to purchase items for their precious campsite, trying to put some money into the local economy. Sales of marshmallows and lighter fluid will skyrocket, the demand for these items will go up and then with that, the prices will rise! How will the locals be able to afford these items then? And what if these items can not be stocked quickly enough to fill the demand. What if the Budwieser guy doesn't deliver in time, or the Meister Brau dude gets stuck in traffic? How will all seventeen of these visitors, AND residents cope? All hell will break loose (but true to my name, I'll be prepared). Pandemonium will ensue. Riots will happen. Seventeen unhappy tourists will write letters!

Yes, I see it now, hell is coming, and it brings with it a bakers dozen plus, of needy demanding visitors. They will expect things. And not just things, STUFF. They will want things and stuff. Things and stuff to see, things and stuff to do. WTF?! Are we Disney world. No!

Howeverrrrrr... I have compiled a list of sites for guests to visit, you know just a little something off the beaten path.

1. Main Street, Phoenicia-The burned out rubble that was once the Phoenicia Hotel. Awe at the spectacle that has magical powers. One minute the rubble is being moved, and the next... it lays completely still. Then there is movement again, but AHHH, you missed it, it's still again! If you listen carefully, you can hear the ghost of Babe Ruth light his cigar (or is that the ghost of the arsonist setting the fire, we'll just never know)

2. Main Street Phoenicia- Sweet Sue's water ride. Wear your bathing suit folks, and frolic in the water park known as "Sweet Sue's Sludge-sled extravaganza" Disclaimer: The town of Shandaken, Sue Taylor, and residents who voted for a sewer can not be held responsible for frolicers who contract dysentery, cholera, hepatitis, etc. from the grey water and fecal matter that accompany the grey water. Frolic at your own risk. Some assembly required. All rights reserved.

3. Shandaken-The Town of Shandaken Cell Tower- Come one, come all! Not to be outdone by Dean Gitter and the world's largest kaleidoscope, Pete and Company bring you the world's largest coat rack! Stand and have your picture taken in front of it. See what thousands of tax payer dollars buys you in Shandaken. Tell your friends about it...but wait till you get closer to Olive, you can't actually make a call there, no service.

4. Pine Hill- The Shandaken Museum. Visit the museum and explore local history. You'll see things like... well, it's not usually open so I am not sure what they have in it, but I saw a picture once, it looked nice. Maybe call ahead and make reservations. But please exercise courtesy when doing so, and make sure not to wake the troll.

5. Phoenicia- Any dumpster hit by a bear the night before. This always seems to amuse tourist to no end. THANK GOD! Easily amused individuals are our bread and butter, apparently.
If anyone can think of other interesting places to see in Shandaken, send them this way or to theshandakentruth.blogspot.com


And...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BE PREPARED THIS TOURIST SEASON. Make sure you have plenty of batteries for the flashlights and bottled water, in case of power failure due to the overload on the grid from the seventeen extra people in town.

-Helena